Category: South Park
Fan Art: John-SP150
Rated T for swearing and stuff.
Synopsis: How many puns can you make off the name Stan Marsh? It becomes the game of the day for the boys of South Park Elementary. Stan The Man does not count.
He took his seat in class and glanced to his right. He sat next to Bebe Stevens. She had a nice figure and an even bigger mouth. But the name Bebe was odd in itself, uncommon, but suited her for how extravagant it was. But it was pronounced in a weird way.
Bebe looked up and their eyes met for a moment before Stan looked down. He avoided looking her body, since that would get him in trouble in more ways than one. Instead, he focused on her shoes. Fur lined snow boots, the logo embossed on the side catching his eye. "How do you pronounce the name of your shoes?"
"Not like my name, though I like the brand because of that. Bebe." Bebe smiled and held out her left foot, the boots were a favorite of her collection at the moment.
"Like a buzzing bee?" Stan asked.
"Yes. What, you want to discuss the birds and the bees, Stan?" She let out a little laugh, happy to have a chance to tease like she saw the other boys do to each other.
Stan blinked and sat back in his chair. "What?"
"Hey, Stan." Butters interrupted. "When you go to college are you gonna go to Stanford University?"
"Oh god, not this again." Stan groaned.
"Hey when's your birthday? It is in March?" Butters said a bit louder this time.
"My birthday's in March!" Kenny volunteered from the desk on the other side of Bebe.
Bebe looked at the boys who sat around her, confused out of her mind. "What the hell is wrong with you guys?"
"Don't ask, Bebe. Butters, why don't you go fuck yourself." Stan turned around in his desk, not wanting to look at any of them. His head hurt and he had a bad taste in his mouth.
"Are you tryin' to do that to Bebe?" Butters asked as he looked over his shoulder, hoping the other boys could over hear him.
"I said, mind your own business, I was curious about her shoes, that's all." Stan heard you could cure a hangover by drinking more alcohol. Judging from the way this day was going this would become a routine for him.
"Why do you care about her shoes all of a sudden? You tryin' to get Bebe to have a one night stand with you?" Butters leaned forward in his desk, giving Bebe a nudge with his elbow.
Bebe recoiled in disgust, hurt once again for trying to make friends with the opposite sex. "What? Is that why you're talking to me? You think I'd do anything with you? I'm not like that!"
Kevin Stoley, who sat behind Stan, was now poking his head on the conversation. "Yeah, leave Bebe alone. She's pretty nice you know."
Bebe looked right at Kevin, who she never noticed before. "Thanks, I think. What was your name again?"
Stan pounded his fist on his desk. "Goddammit, Bebe I'm not trying to flirt with you, Goddammit, Kevin go back to being a one off character and Goddammit, Butters, you better come up with a more creative explanation for why you keep ruining my day than the lame puns you keep trying to make."
Butters kept quiet, wondering if honestly was always the best policy or did he have another stupid pun he could throw at Stan.
Before Butters could make up his mind, the classroom door opened. Mr. Wyland, the substitute entered. Maybe classroom pranks would cheer Stan up.
Mr. Wyland wrote his name on the board and turned to face the class. "Hello, for those of you who don't remember, I am Mr. Wyland. I hope you remember me from almost six months ago. I remember most of the faces of this class but not all of your names."
Faces but not names? Maybe this could go Stan's way after all.
"The lesson plans Mr., Garrison left seemed illegible." Mr. Wyland continued." "So any school work you had to turn in will be postponed until your teacher gets back."
Stan finally looked past Bebe, who probably still thought it was all about her, to Kyle. Kyle pressed his lips in a tight smile as he folded Stan's botched report in half and shoved it into the back of his trapper keeper.
"I thought I'd continue with a curriculum I picked up from substituting at Middle Park Elementary. The students there score much higher on standardized tests. Each of you will work in pairs and pick a country of your choice to do a report on. But I'm not choosing names in alphabetical order, since the kids who have last names near the end always get last choice. I believed in fairness, also this will be a quick way to further the plot." Mr. Wyland looked at the school roster. "Where is, Butters Stotch? Who do you pick as your partner?"
"That's a good one. Standardize Marshmallow!" Butters called out while laughing.
There was a chorus of snickers from boys in the class. Finally Butters was getting attention. Mr. Wyland didn't seem to notice as he looked on his roster. "You mean Stanley Marsh? Fine you two are partners now. What country do you want to do your report on?"
"Why don't you choose, Butters Scotch-Stoch." Stan said in a low voice. "You're so good at coming up with ideas."
"Uhh, Japan!" Butters said, jumping up excitedly in his chair, before sinking down as Stan made a fist.
Mr. Wyland nodded as he picked out another name. "Where is, Kyle Broflovski?"
Before Kyle could answer Kenny sat up at his desk. "Here!"
"Hmm interesting." Mr. Wyland said as he looked down his list. "With a name like Kyle Broflovski I would've expected..."
"Expected what?" Kenny asked.
"It's just from what I'm getting from a name like that...you don't look that particularly Jewish." Mr. Wyland shook his head and set down his clipboard.
Eric Cartman burst out laughing and pounded his fist on top of his desk. He wiped away the tears of joy from his eyes. "A really Jewish name! This is the best day ever!"
"Oh I was adopted, from Canada." Kenny said quickly, trying to shush Cartman, he didn't want to be busted.
"You don't look particularly Canadian either, but this is how teachers get sued." Mr. Wyland shrugged. "Who do you pick as your partner?"
"Kenny McCormick." Kenny said, looking over at Kyle.
Kyle was trying not to lash out at Cartman, in defense of Kenny's fake Canadian Jewishness. It took a moment for him to realize what Kenny was doing. "Oh um, here, I guess."
"What country do you choose?"
"Israel." Kenny said at the same time Kyle said. "Canada."
"What is it, boys?"
"Ah, Germany." Kenny said, as Kyle frowned at him. "What? We can do our report on Amsterdam, Kenny!"
"But Kyle, Amsterdam is in... you know what. You deserve to find out on your own." Kyle sighed and sat back in his desk, it was one over on Cartman he and Kenny stole a project on Germany away from his fat racist ass.
"Excellent choice boys." Mr. Wyland picked another random name. "Where is, Kevin Stoley?"
"Here!" Kevin raised his hand.
"Who would you like to work with?" Mr. Wyland asked.
Kevin's eyes scanned the classroom, before deciding to take a risk. "Bebe Stevens."
Bebe had been scribbling in her notebook trying to come up with some kind of list to make Stan look bad but still trying to stay on Wendy's good side. She jumped at the sound of her name. "Me? Why me?"
"Why not? You just learned my name, give me a chance. I'll let you pick the country and everything." He waved his hand in front of her. "You will enjoy working with me."
Bebe's eyes glazed over for a moment before she smiled at Kevin. "Okay. Italy, the fine fashions would be fun to study."
"Good job, reaching outside of obvious social circles." Mr. Wyland skimmed down his list. "Let's see, how about Eric Cartman?"
Cartman let out a dramatic sigh. Kyle and Kenny were together so he couldn't torment either of them. Butters had already called Stan. He searched the room for the other person he hated the most. "I choose Wendy as my partner."
"What!" Wendy said in a high voice. She was trying not to be focused upon in yet another Stan story, but being next to Cartman would be very uncomfortable for her.
Wendy's annoyance was too sweet, though Cartman had to rub it in Stan's face one more time. "And the country I choose for our project is, Afghanistan!"
Wendy's took a deep breath to calm down. "Okay, I'd be happy to do a report on the plight of women's rights there."
At least Wendy wasn't in on the joke. For the rest of the class, the male students kept being partnered up. The countries they chose were obviously made to infuriate Stan even more.
"Pakistan." Token said while chuckling next to a terrified looking Tweek.
"Ka-ka-kazakhstan." Jimmy had sputtered out as he and Clyde tried to hold back their laughter.
"Timmy-Timmy-Stan." Timmy had called out after Bradley had chosen him as a partner.
"Turkmenistan!" Jason had blurted out. Good thing he chose Mark Cotswalds as his partner, due to home schooling Mark was one of the smartest kids in the class. But Mark rolled his eyes; he never had anything against Stan, like Gary or Gregory would have. He would rather screw over Kyle for what that kid did to his sister.
Choosing Turkmenistan was really reaching and getting ridiculous. Stan would try to hold back since Jason had always been an attention whore. He kept his eye on Wendy. Maybe he could score points by hanging out with her at recess, with the added bonus of getting away from his asshole friends. God knows what Bebe would tell her.
Butters was useless on their project. While Stan was trying to rack his brain for a good subject, Butters kept trying to come up with more lame puns on Stan's name. Instead of freaking out on him, Stan kept leaving class to go to the water fountain to wash out the gross hangover taste in his mouth. After about the fifth time of getting up, the bell rang for recess, so Stan remained in the hall.
The first out of the classroom was Kevin and Bebe. Kevin still couldn't believe his luck, since most unlikely pairing stories started with being forced to work on school projects together. "We can study at my house and have dinner with my family after! My mom would love to meet you!"
Wendy had come out next, a scowl on her face after spending the last half hour being bothered by Cartman while she did most of the work. The fat boy hadn't blurted out anything brilliant yet so she was still loyal to Stan, for now.
"Hey Wendy, did you want to play together at recess?" Stan asked catching up with her in the hall.
"Cartman and I are project partners, that's it!" Wendy yelled out before regaining her composure. "I mean sure, this is a nice surprise. Any particular reason?"
"I'll tell you outside, come on." It might be a nice change to spill his problems to his girlfriend, instead of being made fun of by his friends.
The two started to head out before Cartman caught up with them. "You forgot this, Wendy." He held out his hand in a fist and let go. Out tumbled a small heart shaped token carved out of rose quartz, suspended from a rough leather cord looped around Cartman's finger.
"No one's supposed to know I have that; I keep it hidden deep within my back pack! How dare you try to steal my heart in front of Stan!" Wendy said, grabbing it from him.
"Oh I'm sorry. Go off with your pussy marshmallow boyfriend if that's what you want. You two deserve each other since both your names are stupid." Cartman had his hands on his hips, but the smile on his face was different than the one he would have if he was making fun of Kyle or another male friend.
"What are you talking about?" Wendy said, looking over her heart to see if Cartman had done anything to change it.
God the name mocking had spread to his girlfriend. Stan narrowed his eyes. "Cartman, fuck off. Can I be happy for one minute before you try to drag Wendy into our typical bullshit?"
Cartman pushed himself even closer to Wendy, getting right in Stan's way. "Oh fuck off, marshmallow. No one cares about you when it comes to me and Wendy."
"I care." Kyle said walking up next to Stan. Kenny following behind.
"Yeah, you would." Cartman pointed his finger at Wendy. "Your name is Wendy Testaburger. It's a direct rip-off of the Wendy's hamburger restaurant. I'm not the only one who's sees this right?"
"You're only thinking of that since you're a fucking fatass." Stan yelled, trying to shove his way back next to Wendy.
"I don't know, judging from the commercials I think Wendy is a fat girl's name." Cartman laughed in Wendy's face. Stan stopped trying to push his way forward since he knew what was coming.
"You're calling me fat? You're calling anyone fat? Fuck you." Wendy grabbed Cartman by his coat and shoved him against the lockers. She pulled up Cartman's hat and grabbed a tuft of his hair, slamming his head against the lockers several times.
Wendy released him and he dropped to his knees."Wendeeeaahhhh, I'm sorryyyyy! I just like yew so muuuuuuch!" Cartman got up, pulling up his constantly falling down pants and continued crying down the hall and out to the playground.
"Look he is straight! I told you guys!" Kyle yelled out as the door slammed behind Cartman, notcing Stan glaring at him. "Sorry, dude. Good job, Wendy. Glad to see someone else put Cartman in his place. Maybe I'll finish off the job on the playground." Kyle gave her a small salute before he hurried out the door.
"Do people seriously get off on that love/hate crap?" Stan asked Wendy, who shrugged and looked away from him.
"Whatever floats your boat." Kenny said, loosening his hood, he had pulled it tight in response to how scary Wendy and Cartman could be.
Butters was peeking out of the classroom. "Lookit that, Stan. Your girlfriend beat up Cartman for ya. That's funny, right guys?"
Stan grabbed Butters out off the doorway and slammed him against the lockers where Wendy had slammed Cartman only a moment ago. "You. You started this. Everyone would've gotten over this cheap gag a chapter ago, but you keep fueling the stupidity! No more, I'm going to kick your ass."
From his position from being pinned, Butters tried to squirm away or see if anyone would help. Maybe Wendy would take pity on him instead of siding with her boyfriend. Or if that twenty bucks he paid Clyde would still count for protection from beatings from Stan. He was saved instead with the worst person you can go to for help in elementary school.
Mr. Wyland spied them from inside the classroom and pulled Stan off of Butters. "Boys stop fighting and report to the principal's office. You have one minute to get there as I call ahead."
"Fine." Stan spat before he started down the hallway. "I'll catch you later, Wendy, Kenny."
"Bye, Stan." Wendy said softly. She stood there holding her heart in her hands and trying not to freak out. Rose Quartz was a stone meant to calm and Wendy was an easily angered person. She kept it as a good luck charm, though maybe Cartman had tainted it somehow.
Kenny was left in the hall with her. He put a consoling hand on her shoulder. "There, there. Now that Stan and Cartman are gone, I'd love to get a bite of your Wendy's cheeseburger, sometime."
Butters meekly followed Stan, trying to form the words into some kind of an apology. "Stan, I'm awfully sorry. I was tryin' to do what you guys always do to me."
Stan ignored Butters as he took a seat next to Craig on the bench outside the principal's office. The hall door slammed open and out came Kenny chased by Mr. Wyland.
"Kyle Broflovski, you can go see the school counselor for sexually harassing Wendy Testaburger!"
"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried out.
"That's what I was saying!" Kenny yelled as he ran by.
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose as Butters rubbed his knuckles together. Craig flipped them both off.