Wednesday, July 18, 2012


South Park fanfiction. Rated T for language.

Here's a story that's been brewing in my head for awhile, and it FINALLY turned into this one-shot. I really have no idea if this is any good, so please review and let me know.
Eric Cartman had combed his hair, put on his best shoes, and tightened his belt to try and look slimmer. It didn't do that much good, but hopefully it would be enough.

Today was the day. All or nothing. He had finally worked up the courage to ask Wendy out.

As they waited at the bus stop, he asked the other boys how they thought he looked, just to get their opinion. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski just laughed at him like they always did, Kenny McCormick really did try to look like he cared, but he involuntarily turned up his nose at Cartman's getup. Cartman sighed.

Why do I hang out with these guys? he thought. He tried so hard to be their friend, and they did nothing but ridicule him. Kenny at least had social status as an excuse, but Stan and Kyle just did it to be mean. But even though they all made fun of him, they insisted on keeping him around, like he was their bitch or something.

The bus pulled up, and the boys got on. Ms. Crabtree greeted them warmly, and they all took their seats. Cartman ended up sitting next to Clyde Donovan, if only to get away from Stan and Kyle for a few minutes. Then again, Clyde wasn't much better.

"Hey, fat boy! Want to see a cool trick?" Clyde asked.

It was pretty rich for Clyde to call Cartman fat, since Clyde wasn't exactly skinny himself. But Cartman decided not to bring that up. "Sure, Clyde?"

"Say, 'I won a Math Debate' really fast," Clyde snickered.

Knowing Clyde, it was probably going end being something embarrassing. But Clyde just pulled pranks to be funny; he wasn't mean like Stan and Kyle.

So Cartman obliged him. "Iwonamathdebate." And immediately, everyone on the bus burst out laughing.
Cartman joined in. "That was a good one, Clyde."

"Thanks. It's cool that you have a good sense of humor about these things," Clyde admitted, patting Cartman on the back.

"Oh, please," Stan snorted. "You wouldn't believe how annoying it is." Kyle nodded in agreement.

"Aw, you guys need to lighten up," Clyde insisted. "You could learn a thing or two from your fat friend here."

Cartman grinned. At least Clyde wasn't quite as mean.
"What do you mean, recess has been cancelled?" Stan demanded. "Is this some kind of joke?"
"I never joke," Jimmy Valmer said gruffly. "I'm just relaying what Coach Mackey told me."

"So, no recess," Clyde frowned. "What do you think, Craig?"

Craig Tucker jumped. "What? What're you asking me for?"

Clyde shrugged. "Just wondering what your opinion was. No need to get all defensive."

Craig shivered. "Well, actually, I heard-" he paused and looked around to see if anyone else was listening "-that Professor Chaos struck again last night."

"Huh? What about Professor Chaos?" Butters Stotch walked up, looking nervous.

"Wait, that's why we don't get a recess?" Stan said incredulously. "Because of Professor fucking Chaos?"

"Yeah. He attacked the Bennigans'," Craig continued. By now a small crowd had started to gather in the hallway. "He poisoned all the soup, so that everyone who got the soup died instantly. Then he killed the rest of them with his laser vision."

Kyle raised his eyebrow. "He killed all of them?"

"Yeah," Craig said.

"Then how did anybody know what happened?" Kyle finished. Stan burst out laughing.

Craig just gaped with shock. "I-I...I just...I h-heard that-"

"Ijustheardthatmehmehmeh," Stan mocked. "Grow up. Professor Chaos is just a myth, used by the media to scare people. 'Don't go out at night, or Professor Chaos will get you,' and that sort of thing."

"Oh, he's real, fellas," Butters said.

"Oh yeah?" Kyle asked, raising his eyebrow. "How do you know? Have you ever seen him?"

"Yep!" Butters said. Everyone gasped. Cartman himself was just as shocked as the rest of them. Usually, Professor Chaos left no witnesses alive (or at least, so the rumors went), so it was naturally possible that these stories could be exaggerated or even just made up. But if Butters had actually seen him...

"Well, I actually didn't see him, but Tweek did," Butters said. "Go on, tell them, Tweek."

"Well, it was about a month ago, and Butters and I had just gotten finished delivering my dad's dairy shipment to the grocery store," Tweek began in his very even tone. "Then we saw the Underpants Gnomes."

"Underpants Gnomes?" Token asked.

"You know, the gnomes who go around giving people new pairs of underwear? Anyway, Butters offered to go and buy us all some ice cream. After he left, Professor Chaos came out of nowhere and killed all the gnomes with a machine gun. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Run if you want to live." So I got as far away as I could. Butters caught up with me a few minutes later."

"Weren't you scared, Tweek?" Cartman asked.

Tweek shrugged. "It's always best to keep calm under pressure. Drinking warm milk always helps me."

"Yeah, that's true," Stan commented. "It also makes you about as interesting as a lump of shit." Tweek gave no reaction as usual.

"But guys," Craig said. "if Chaos is real, then he might come and kill us, too!"

"Oh stop whining, Craig," Kyle snapped. "He's not going to come and kill anybody. And even if he were, that stuff only happens to other people. Nothing interesting ever happens to us, so we should be safe."

"Um, actually," Cartman said, "There was that one time that-"

"Shut up, fatass," Kyle interrupted. "We're not talking about that."

"Yeah. Although," Stan said, turning back to Craig, "to us, you would be considered 'other people.' So Professor get..."

"YOU!" Clyde shouted from behind Craig, who jumped about a foot in the air. "Hahaha! You should have seen the look on your face!"

"Stop it, guys!" Craig wailed. Then he ran off, scared out of his wits.

"Jesus, that guy needs to get some thicker skin," Clyde said. "He lets too much bother him."

"Should I offer him some milk?" Tweek asked. Clyde nodded, and the two of them walked off.

"Are you guys still talking about Prof. Chaos?" Kenny said, having just walked up. He shook his head disapprovingly.

"Hey, don't act all high and mighty on us, Mr. I've-Never-Had-A-Girlfriend-In-My-Life," Jimmy snarled.

"I told you, I'm waiting for the right girl," Kenny said, with his nose in the air. He continued on his way.

"Right girl, my ass," Jimmy said. "There isn't a girl in the world who would meet his ridiculous standards." Cartman had to agree.

"Well, what would you expect from the guy who bought his own theme park?" Stan growled.

"I think someone should teach that snob a lesson," Butter said softly.

"Yeah, and who's that going to be, Butters? You?" Kyle laughed.

Butters frowned. "Just you wait..."

"And that concludes our lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill," Mr. Garrison announced. "Tomorrow, we'll get started on Valley Forge."
Cartman packed up his books. It was a good thing that they had such a good teacher, or everyone's grades would really be slipping. Mr. Garrison would get them through this.

There was Wendy, flirting with Clyde. That made Cartman feel even more nervous about asking her, but the last period of the day had just ended. It was now or never.

"Thinking about asking that bitch out? You'll be sorry." Cartman turned and saw Stan glaring at him.

"Actually, I was, and you really shouldn't call her a bitch. It's rude," Cartman pointed out.

"So?" Stan shrugged. "Why should I care? She's a slut." Seeing Cartman about to get even more defensive, Stan said, "Not a real slut, obviously. I mean, she'll go out with anyone, so even if you do get her on a date, it won't mean anything. And if she rejects you, you'll just be even more of a loser."

"It never hurts to try," Cartman said.

"I think Kyle could probably prove that statement wrong."

Kyle? "She's going out with Kyle?"

"This week? Yeah, that's what I heard," Stan said.

Kyle...that could change things a bit. "But she's flirting with Clyde?"

"It's just like I said. She's. A. Slut," Stan said. "Besides, Clyde is at least cool enough that Kyle wouldn't mind losing Wendy to him. It's not like he cares that much about her. But he sure wouldn't want to lose her to someone like you. So, like I said, if you ask her, you'll be screwed no matter what happens. And not in a good way."

Cartman gulped. This could be really bad. Still, he had resolved to ask her, and so that was what he would do. Damn the consequences!

He walked up to Wendy. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"

Wendy giggled. "Sure," she said, pushing Clyde out of the way. He stormed off in a huff.

Cartman took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. "I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me tonight." Then, noticing that Wendy was busy admiring her nails, he repeated himself a little louder. "I said, I want to go on a date with you tonight."

"Tonight?" Wendy frowned. "What time?"

"About 6, I guess."

Wendy sighed. "Oh, I couldn't make it for 6. I've got dinner with Kyle at 5, and that's sure to last two hours. Then I'm going to Stark's Pond with Jimmy at 7; he's so romantic, don't you think? And then a late-night ice cream date with Butters."

"Butters?" Cartman couldn't believe it. Even Butters?

"Yeah, I thought it was so sweet when he asked me. But I might be available tomorrow night, as long as you don't mind going after the school play. I always wanted to hear Timmy recite Macbeth; he's so eloquent and dreamy."

Cartman knew that Wendy wasn't the most ideal girl to fall in love with, but she was definitely the one he had a crush on. But now, he just felt sick to his stomach. "Never mind," he muttered politely, and walked away.

"Hey," Wendy pouted. "You can't just ask me on a date and then get cold feet! Meanie!"

But Cartman didn't hear her. He was already running home.

Cartman managed to outrun the Marsh's psychotic dog all the way to his house. After what had happened with Wendy, he was feeling rather depressed.
Mr. McElroy was just leaving, presumably conducting his visits around town. He noticed Cartman and waved.

"Hey there, kid," he called out. "How's it going?"

Cartman shrugged. "Bad, I guess."

McElroy cocked his head, "Oh really? What's so bad about it?"

"Chef, I don't know what to do. I try to be nice to everyone, but no one's ever nice to me. I ask out the girl of my dreams, and she doesn't take me seriously at all. And above all, why can't South Park be a place filled with crazy adventures every week, instead of a town that's really boring, other than constantly being terrorized by a supervillain? Why can't we live in a better world?"

McElroy blinked, as if unsure of where to begin. "First of all, young man, I'm not a chef; I don't even like cooking. Why do you and all the other kids insist on calling me 'Chef?'"

"I don't know, Chef," Cartman said, then covered his mouth as he realized he had done it again. "I mean, it just sort of feels natural."

McElroy groaned. "And another thing, why is it that you kids are always coming to me with your problems? I'm not a wizard; I'm just a salesman. Don't you have parents to talk to about this? I don't know why I try to ask you kids a simple question when all you do is unload all your woes on me." Then he angrily back in his car and drove off.

Cartman sighed. "Yeah, I did like the other Chef better."

"What was that about the other Chef?" Cartman turned and saw Stan and Kyle. Kyle punched him in the face. "We told you not to talk about that, you fat fuck!"

"Don't worry you guys," Cartman said, wiping blood out of his beard. "I wouldn't tell anyone about it. I was just dreaming of living there. Where the people were nice and peaceful."

"Well, you'll just have to get used to the idea of living here," Stan said. "No matter what alternate universe you may want to wind up in, you're going to stay here and do what we say. Besides, even if you did tell someone, they wouldn't believe you; people around here are too smart for that."

"I know that, guys," Cartman said, smiling.

"Oh yeah," Kyle punched him again, this time in the stomach. Cartman keeled over. "That's for speaking to my girlfriend!"

Cartman stood up with difficulty, clutching his chest in pain. "I'm deeply sorry, Kyle. I won't do it again. Have a nice day."

"Yeah, fuck you," Stan said, flipping him off. Then he and Kyle walked away.

Not for the first time, Cartman's thoughts drifted to the other Stan and Kyle. The ones who didn't beards and were actually nice. And the Kenny who was poor and humble instead of snobbish. And the world where animals didn't always try to kill you.

"Come back here!"

Cartman turned and saw Kenny running for his life down the sidewalk. There was a man in a teal and silver mask and cape running after him, whom Cartman could only assume was Professor Chaos. Chaos was holding a machine gun and shooting wildly, but Kenny remained unhurt.

"Why won't you die?" Chaos yelled.

"Maybe you're just a lousy shot," Kenny retorted as the two of them raced off into the distance.

Cartman shook his head.

"Oh, why did you have to send me back here?" he whispered.


Okay, reader, out of curiosity, did I surprise you? Or was it really obvious?
Since everyone was purposefully out of character, this was pretty tough to write. So hopefully it turned out okay.
It recently occurred to me that it might be fun to see the "Mirror" version of certain episodes, so I may write those some of those later and publish them here. It won't be a real multi-chapter, but it might become a series of short one-shots, depending on how popular it is.
See ya'll!

1 comment:

  1. I pretty much knew when Tweek said that The Underpants Gnomes GIVE underpants rather than steal them.