Monday, May 7, 2012

"Dude, This is Pretty F***ed Up Right Here" Chapter 4: A Dip in the Creek

South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, sexual themes, and pairings (albeit sarcastic ones)

"Now what, Bebe?" Stan asked. Somehow, all of South Park was gathered in his room, and they looked ready to pin a anti-gay crime on him and Kyle. Why did people have to be so stupid?

"We've put it to a vote," Bebe announced. "And we've decided that your criticisms of this story are slanderous and hateful. This story isn't affecting you, so who cares what you think as long as it's entertaining?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other. Then they gave Bebe the highly effective Simultaneous Double Facepalm.

"What about the stories being slanderous towards us?" Stan asked. "Stories like this one are spreading lies about us, and if we speak out against them, we get called hateful?"

"Besides, it's not entertaining," Kyle added. "Someone just wrote a boring, cliched love story that doesn't make sense between characters they didn't even come up with, and then think they've accomplished something. It's completely unrealistic, and that makes the story suck."

"Oh, please," Bebe snorted. "I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone to think you and Stan could be gay for each other." Cartman snickered. Not him too, Stan thought.

"Even if that were true," Kyle said, "that would be one thing. But with all the characters that slash stories are written about, it's clear that isn't the real motivation."

"You guys are clearly exaggerating," Bebe said. "It's not that many characters."

"Oh, really?" Stan challenged. "Well, now that we've got everyone here, why don't we let them read for a while and decide for themselves?"

Stan sat in Tweak's Coffee, unsure of what to do next. He was now more confused about his feelings than ever.

He had certainly enjoyed last night with Kyle, much more so than any alone time he had ever spent with Wendy. He felt like Kyle had always been there for him, even when Wendy hadn't been. After all, they had been best friends since before either of them could remember. And Wendy hadn't been exactly nice about dumping him for Token all those years ago. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that rushing to Kyle was a bit premature.

And then there was that feeling he had had when he saw Wendy going at it with Cartman-

-"Ew," Wendy cringed. Cartman snickered-

-that he couldn't quite define. Was it just disgust? Or was there some jealousy buried in there somewhere?

Just then, Tweek himself passed by Stan's table with the kettle. "More-GAH-coffee?" he asked.

"No, thanks," said Stan. He wasn't really all that thirsty. The coffee shop really was the best place to sit and brood.

"Because we all love hearing about your problems," Craig snorted. Stan glared at him.

Then he got an idea. "Tweek, I need some advice."

"AH! About what?" Tweek asked.

"How long have you and your boyfriend been together?" Stan asked.

"I'm gay, too?" Tweek yelled. 

Craig laughed. "Guess the writers put some pressure on you, huh?"


"About two years," Tweek said, fidgeting.

"And you've both been satisfied with your relationship?"

"I-AHH-think so," Tweek said. "What's this about? Oh God, did he tell you he wanted to to break up with me? Oh Jesus no!"

"I can't take this!" Tweek screamed, pulling his hair out. Stan could tell Craig was getting a kick out of this whole thing. That asshole.

"Oh no, Tweek, Craig didn't say anything like that," Stan insisted-

-In Stan's opinion, the look on Craig's face at this point was priceless-

-"I just wanted to know if you guys could help me out with my relationship problems. I can't figure out whether I like Wendy or Kyle."

"Well, I think you should-GAH-probably just stay single until you can get that worked out," Tweek said.

"You don't want your relationship to-AHH-control you."

"You know," Kyle said, "that's probably the only smart thing this story has said so far."

"Are you sure that will work?" Stan asked.

"AHH! Of course I'm not sure! I can't predict the future! That's WAY too much pressure!"

"Is that how I actually sound?" Tweek wailed. "Oh God!"

"Don't worry, Tweek," Stan assured him. "I won't hold you accountable. What I meant to ask was: did it work for you?"

"Uh huh," Tweek nodded. "Back in middle school, I couldn't decide whether I liked Craig or Kevin-

-Kevin Stoley looked up from his Nintendo DS. "I'm in this too?"-

-so I waited, and tried not to make a decision too fast. It-AH-was a lot of pressure. On the one hand, there was that whole business with that fight Craig and I had in elementary school, so there was a little bit of tension there. On the other hand, Kevin was always obsessed with his nerd stuff, so I thought he wouldn't be really committed."

Craig and Kevin looked at each other, unsure of how to react.

"How did you finally decide?" Stan asked.

Tweek continued. "Eventually, Kevin hooked up with Clyde, so I decided I should choose Craig. He's a little-AHH-rough around the edges, but he's a very protective guy."

"So what you're saying is that, if I'm not sure, I should wait and see what happens?" Stan asked.


"There it goes with me being a pussy again," Stan said. "...Why?"

"Yeah," Craig droned. "What was the point of that whole scene?" Tweek, Kevin, and Clyde all piped up in agreement.

"The story has clearly been all about Stan and Kyle so far," Clyde added. "What does making us gay have anything to do with anything?"

"Well, in this case," Bebe admitted, "it was kind of stupid. But maybe if the story focused on you, it would be much better handled. People would be better about doing their research."

"Oh really?" Craig challenged. He checked the frontpage. "Okay, out of these first 25 stories involving me, about 20 of them have me in some kind of slash story, usually with Tweek. That's a lot of people that didn't do their fucking research."

"Yeah," Tweek said, his irritation starting to overcome his nervousness. "Is that all we're good for? That's not very-GAH-flattering."

Bebe didn't have a response.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in South Park, Kyle was having a similar crisis. As much as he had enjoyed his brief affair with Kenny, he couldn't help but feel that he had betrayed Stan somehow. Even if it turned out that Stan didn't mind, he knew he would still feel guilty about it.

"Really?" Kyle said. "Another stupid dilemma? We just had one of these with Stan! God..."

"God..." Kyle prayed, "I need your help. I can't decide whether I like Stan or Kenny."

Instead of an answer from God, a thundering crack resounded through the room. A flaming portal opened up, and Damien, the son of Satan, appeared.

"'Flaming,'" Bill laughed. 

"Hehe, that's gay," Fosse added.

Stan couldn't shake the feeling that they were right.

"You've been very sinful, Kyle," Damien said. "Hooking up with Kenny when you and Stan had practically just begun a relationship. You're giving homosexuals a bad name."

"Yeah, like this story hasn't done a good job of that already," Stan muttered. 

"What do you mean?" asked Bebe.

"This fic makes it seem like all gay people think about having sex or having a romantic partner all the time," Kyle pointed out. "You think we hate this story because we're homophobic? This smut is not empowering at all. It's degrading."

"Yeah!" Big Gay AL agreed.

"Wait, you mean we don't think about sex all the time?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"No, that's just you," Mr. Slave said. "Jesus Christ."

"But I couldn't help myself," Kyle wailed. "I thought Stan would be getting back with Wendy, and Kenny was right there, and-raped! That's right, I was raped. Kenny forced me to do it."

Damien shook his head. "Don't lie to me, Kyle, you're not very good at it. He didn't force you to do anything. You had full control of the situation, and you could have turned him down. But you didn't."

"What do you know about my problems?" Kyle demanded.

Kyle slapped his forehead. "Oh, why did you ask him that?"

Damien raised his eyebrow. "We are not so different. I was in a relationship with this guy Ryan, until Pip died and came down to Hell. I decided that Ryan was too boring, so I told Pip that he was going to be my bitch, and he was all too happy to do whatever I said."

"So, you just completely abandoned your old boyfriend?" Kyle asked.


"But..." Kyle asked, "that's exactly what you told me not to do."

"That's true," Damien agreed. "But I'm the Antichrist."

Kyle shrugged. He couldn't argue with that.

"Man, that's just wrong," Stan said. "Slandering Pip like that. I mean, I know we made fun of Pip all the time when he was alive, but he's not here to defend himself anymore."

"But let's not talk too much about that," Kyle said. "The last thing I want is to wrap Satan and Damien up in this; this is already too messed up as it is."

"Timmeh!" Timmy added.

"That's r-right, Tim-Tim," Jimmy agreed. "I'd hate t-to see how they p-p-pair up the r-rest of us!" Token nodded solemnly. Even Bebe started to look more and more uncertain of her position.

"Honestly, I can't imagine how this could get any worse," Kyle said. Then: "Oh, shit, I just jinxed it, didn't I?"

And then, a voice called from the street outside: "Hey, you guys!" Everybody ran to the window to see.

It was Kenny. And he was carrying a gun.

"Good. I see I have your attention."

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