Tuesday, April 24, 2012

"Dude, This is Pretty F***ed Up Right Here" Chapter 3: YK2

South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, sexual themes, and pairings (albeit sarcastic ones)

"I still think you guys are assholes," Cartman pointed out, holding his bloody nose.

"Think what you like," said Stan, "but this is still partly your fault. Goddamn it, Cartman, why did you have to kiss Wendy and give these crazy fans more crazy ideas?"

"Ay!" Cartman yelled. "That ho kissed me!"

"Don't call Stan's girlfriend a ho, you fat fuck!" Kyle yelled.

"Don't me fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!" Cartman retorted.

Kenny sighed. "Why did you guys have to bring me into this?" he mumbled through his hood.

"Because I read ahead a little bit," Stan answered, "and I think you might have something to say about this next part.

Kyle was at his house, pacing. He hadn't heard back from Stan all afternoon, and he was starting to get worried. Was Stan going to go back on their relationship? Would he actually get back together with Wendy? The thought was unbearable.

It wasn't fair; Kyle already knew what he felt, and he had known for a long time. He had always been in love with Stan. But of course, he hadn't said anything to Stan before now because it would have been extremely awkward, and Stan had a girlfriend. Now that he and Stan had hooked up, everything was going smoothly. But if Stan got back together with Wendy-hell, if he just decided not to stay with Kyle-well, things really couldn't go back to the way they were. It was all or nothing.

At that moment, there was a knock at the door. Stan? Kyle went to open the door, but Stan wasn't standing there.

It was Kenny.

"Okay," Kenny said. "So I'm in this fic, huh? What am I? An irresistible ladies' man? A smooth womanizer?"

Not trusting himself to speak, Stan chewed his lip and motioned for Kenny to continue reading.

"Hey, Kyle," Kenny said. "May I come in?"

"Um, sure," Kyle said.

Kenny stepped into the house, exuding confidence.

Kenny kept reading.

"So I hear you and Stan have gotten together?" Kenny said, smiling.

"Sort of," Kyle said. "Actually, we're still trying to work that out. I have a suspicion he may not be as over Wendy as he thought he was."

"Oh," said Kenny, twirling his finger through his blond hair. "What would that mean for you?"

"Well, if the two of them get back together, I don't know what I would do," Kyle said. "I've finally come out of the closet and confessed my love for my best friend, and what does he do? Get my hopes up, and then run back to his ex-girlfriend."

Kenny smiled. "Don't worry too much about it, Kyle," he said. "There are other gay fish in the pond. I'm sure you'll find one."

Kenny narrowed his eyes, as he started to see what was going on. "Wait a minute..."

"They won't be like Stan," Kyle sniffed. "He's my best friend."

"Well, what about your second best friend?" Kenny asked.

Kenny's eyes widened. "No! No no no no! What's wrong with those people? How could they possibly think I'm gay?"

Apparently, the fictional Kyle was just as confused...

"You mean, you?" Kyle asked.

Kenny nodded.

Kyle couldn't even picture that. How could Kenny, the pervert who ogled at girls and kept about a hundred Playboys under his mattress, actually be gay?

"Good question," muttered Stan. Kenny, meanwhile, was still babbling incoherently.

Kenny must have noticed his confusion. "I'm bi, Kyle. Didn't you guys know that?"

Kyle shook his head. Whenever Kenny had gotten tangled up in one of his sexual exploits, he and Stan had always tried to ignore him. Maybe they genuinely just hadn't noticed.

Kenny looked at him like he was an idiot. "I mean, why would I agree to give Howard Stern oral sex if I didn't lean that way a little bit?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other. Could Kenny actually be bi?

"He was offering me ten dollars! I would have done anything!" Kenny came storming out of his stupor. "And it was the worst minute of my life."

That was enough for Stan and Kyle. They went on.

"I guess that makes sense," Kyle said.

"Well, let's get on with it," Kenny said, taking off his shirt.

"What? But, but...Stan," Kyle protested.

"Stan's not here," Kenny said, tugging at Kyle's own shirt. "Besides, you guys are apparently having issues."

"Well, you're not helping," Kyle insisted. "Besides, I don't even feel that way about you."

"What's feeling got to do with it?" Kenny said, crossing his arms on his bare chest. "I'm a guy, you're a guy. That's all there is to it."

"Okay, this is starting to look more like Kenny," Stan conceded. Kenny glared at him. "I mean...you know, if this was a girl..." Stan quickly amended.

Kyle spoke up. "It looks like this is bothering you even more than it is us, Kenny."

"That's because I actually have something to lose!" Kenny yelled. "You guys don't care about sex yet, but I won't get any hot chicks or blowjobs if any of the girls at school read this and think that I'm actually gay!"

"Not everyone looks at partners the same way that you do, Kenny!" Kyle shouted. "Some people only want to sleep with the right person, instead of screwing everything in sight."

Kenny looked confused. "But how can you know if it's the right person if you haven't slept with them?"

"You just do! And I don't know that I could be with you. I mean, what about every time you die? It's hard enough to scrape you off the sidewalk as your friend, but as your boyfriend? I don't think I'd be able to handle that."

"Okay, this is just not making sense anymore," Stan said. "What's all this about Kenny dying?"

Kenny jumped up and stared at the screen as though he had seen a ghost. "It can't be..."

"You never know until you try it," said Kenny. "Don't worry about Stan; he and you would be better off as best friends. And he won't mind; he's probably making up-and out-with Wendy as we speak."

Kyle hesitated. He didn't want to betray Stan's trust, but Kenny was probably right about him and Wendy. Besides, if Stan did care, he didn't have to know. "Alright, we'll try it. Just this once."

Having all the permission he needed, Kenny pulled Kyle towards him and kissed him. And Kyle had to admit...he was pretty good at it.

"Okay, this is just getting retarded," Kyle said. Then he noticed Kenny, who had clearly just lost it.

"It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!" Then he ran screaming from the room.

"Wow," said Stan. "He's taking this even harder than I thought."

Then they heard a commotion outside. Cartman looked out the window. "Uh, guys..."

Stan and Kyle looked outside. The whole town was gathered outside the house, headed by Bebe. They were all carrying signs that said "Don't hate on slash." And it was unlikely that they were talking about the guitar player.

Kyle turned to Stan. "I guess Bebe wasn't convinced."

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Goddammit."

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