"Dude, This is Pretty F***ed Up Right Here" Chapter 2: Hard Candy

South Park fanfiction

Rated T for language, sexual themes, and pairings (albeit sarcastic ones)

Originally published on April 17, 2012

"What the hell is this?" Kyle asked, outraged. "Someone went to all the trouble of writing a story about us, making us older, staging you to breakup with Wendy, all to just have the two of us make out? That's messed up!"

"I know," Stan said, still unable to believe what he had just read. "I can't even process that right now."

"It's like these people have never even watched our show," Kyle said. "This is nothing like what we actually do."

Opening a new tab, Stan spent a few minutes shifting through some other stories, but they were all the same: "Stan and Kyle figure out that they're in love with each other." He frowned. "This story isn't the only one; lots of people write us that way. You don't think there could be something to it, do you? I mean, that we just might give off that impression, whether it's true or not?"

Kyle stared at him. "No."

"I don't know, man," Stan said. "I know that 25% of the population is retarded, but this...that has to be at least 75%."

Kyle said nothing, but went on reading.

Stan put his pants back on-

"We had sex, too?" Kyle yelled. Stan vomited.

-and turned to his best friend. "My parents should be back soon; we should probably start cleaning up."

"Yeah," said Kyle, buttoning up his shirt. Even though it had actually happened now, he still felt nervous. His parents were going to kill him when he found out that he was actually gay.

"Okay, that's a more understandable reaction," Kyle said.

"What are we going to do about this?"

Kyle blinked. "I changed my mind. Quit bitching."

Stan thought about it. "We'll just have to be discreet about it. My parents would probably have their little freak out, but it wouldn't be too bad. I guess your mom won't take it as well."

"Probably not," Kyle said. "She considers herself pretty tolerant of homosexuals, but she probably wouldn't be too happy to find out her son is one."

"Oh man, I just had a scary thought," Stan said, shaking. "What if Cartman finds out? He'll have us out so fast—"

"It'll be okay," Kyle said ("Oh, come on," Stan said. "The writer isn't even going to bother coming up with a joke there?"). "It's not like we've ever cared about what Cartman thinks anyway. Besides, it's not like we've done anything wrong."

"No, but these writers did," Stan groaned.

"No, but why give him any more reason to make our lives hell?" Stan replied. "We should probably just see how things play out."

Kyle kissed him. "Sounds good to me," he said.



"God, how much more of this is there?" Kyle muttered. "Don't these stupid things usually just end with the sex anyways?"

"Apparently, this writer just wants to torture us," Stan said.

Stan's first day of school as a homosexual seemed to be going well. No one had made fun of him or anything. But then again, none of them knew of his discovery, and most of them wouldn't care (even though Cartman would). It just didn't seem like the kind of thing to just bring up in conversation: "Hi, I just found out that I'm gay, and I'm in love with my best friend."

Still, he felt like he was hiding something by not telling them.

Kyle started banging his head against the wall.

Just then Wendy walked up. "Hi, Stan." Just like yesterday had never even happened.

"What do you want, Wendy?" Stan growled. He was not in the mood to talk to her. One, because he didn't want to get all confused ("Too late," Stan said) about who it was that he was in love with. And two, because she had definitely been a bitch about the breakup yesterday.

"I…just wanted to apologize about how I acted yesterday," she said. "I was unreasonable."

Stan fumed. After she had just dumped him, she just expected him to drop his new boyfriend and get back with her?

"You dumbass," Stan said. "So you just had one fight? That's not a breakup!"

"Well," Stan replied, "it's too late, Wendy. You had your chance, and you're not going to get another one. Because I've found someone else."

Wendy looked shocked. "Who?"

Stan bit his lip. "Kyle," he finally admitted. There. Now it was out for all to see.

Wendy shuddered. Clearly, that had been the last answer she had been expecting to her. Bewildered, she just walked off.

"Hold it right there, you homophobes!"

Stan and Kyle turned to see who had spoken. "Bebe?" Stan exclaimed. "How did you get in here?"

"The fanfiction writers called me up and told me to stop you from slandering their stories," Bebe said, folding her arms.

"Well, that's because their stories suck," Kyle said. "And if they're allowed to write bad stories, I think we're more than allowed to criticize them."

"You just don't like them because the characters are gay," Bebe accused. "Homophobes!"

Legitimately confused, Stan said, "So...do you like them because they're gay?"

"Hell yes!" Bebe yelled. "Boy on boy is hot!"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other. "You know," Kyle said, "that explains a lot of what we've been seeing here."

"Yeah," Stan said. "Kyle, why don't you explain it to her? I'll keep plowing through this."

As school went on, Stan became more and more upset about the way he had reacted towards Wendy. She did seem to be legitimately sorry about what she had said yesterday, and he had spat in her face. What was more, he was becoming more and more confused about what he was actually feeling.

Kyle sat down next to him. "Hey, what's up?"

"Not much," Stan said, poking at his food.

"Hey, did you tell anybody about us?" Kyle asked.

"Well, I might have told Wendy about it. Why do you ask?"

"Because Cartman's been giving me weird looks. He hasn't started taunting me or anything, but he definitely knows."

"Kyle...about us..." Stan began. "Do you think that, maybe, we're not doing the right thing?"

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked, tilting his head.

"I mean, I only broke up with Wendy yesterday," Stan replied. "I think I love you, but...I need to make sure this is not just a rebound reaction."

"Finally, someone showing some reason," Stan snorted.

"You see, Bebe," Kyle began, "it's not that the characters are being portrayed as gay that's the problem. It's that we're the characters who are being portrayed as gay. We're being written as people we're not."

Bebe considered that. "Still, though, what's the big deal? People can write their story however they want."

Stan intervened. "Well, if that's what they want to write, then they can make their own characters and force them to do all the sex that they want, and good for them. We don't mind that. Just not us."

"I still think you guys are making way too big a deal out of this," Bebe insisted.

Kyle sighed. "Alright, Bebe. Let's try this. You're straight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Wouldn't you think it was creepy if someone wrote a story where you made out with, say...Wendy-"

Stan grimaced.

"-because they thought it was 'hot?'"

Bebe paused. She hadn't thought about it that way.

Stan wasn't able to find Wendy at school to properly apologize, so he hurried to her house after school. He didn't really want to get back with her or anything like that; he just needed some kind of closure to this whole mess.

He knocked on Wendy's door, but there was no answer. Funny, she should have been home by now. Her car was here, so she must be home. Hmm...

Maybe she was in trouble?

He picked up the fake rock where the house key was hidden and let himself in. He walked into the living room. No sign of Wendy. He made his way upstairs, and then heard faint sounds coming from Wendy's room. He opened the door...

...And there they were. Wendy and...

...and...

...Cartman.

"CARTMAN?" Stan, Kyle, and Bebe all yelled at the same time. Shelly called from the other room and told them to keep it quiet.

"All...that...fat..." Bebe shuddered.

"Cannot...unsee," Kyle said, clutching his face. "Must...burn...eyeballs."

"Wait a minute, guys..." Bebe pointed out, though still a little bit shaken. "As disgusting as this one is, it's at least based in fact. Cartman and Wendy have kissed before, right?"

"Don't remind me," Stan gagged.

"It's still...just...wrong," Kyle said.

"Come on, you two," Stan said, bookmarking the page. "I need to go beat the shit out of Cartman."

Bebe and Kyle looked shocked. "That's...not going to solve anything," Kyle pointed out.

"No," said Stan, "but it will make me feel better." Kyle couldn't argue with that.

Go to Chapter 3