South Park fanfiction
"Now," said Cartman, "let's get back to reading this awesome and cool story."
Cartman shoveled the food into his mouth like the fat piece of-
"Ay!" Cartman yelled at the author. "I'm watching you. You better not say that, or I'll make you eat your parents!"
"How exactly will you do that when it's my story?"
"Well, just try calling me fat one more time, and you'll find out," Cartman sneered.
Cartman finished his dinner with surprising vigor, and waited impatiently for Butters. The little dork had barely touched any of his food; it was like he thought that a "romantic dinner" shouldn't involve eating. Well, fuck that. If that was Butters' idea of romance, there was going to be some changes made.
"Butters, if you don't hurry up, we're going to be here all night," Cartman snarled.
"Well, don't you want to spend time together?" Butters asked. Not if you're going to be a complete fucking wimp, no.
"Frankly, I'm getting tired of sitting here," Cartman said. Butters started to say something, but Cartman held up his hand. "I don't think you understand what 'being my bitch' means, Butters. It means that if I tell you to do something, you do it, right?"
"Yeah, but Eric-"
"And I say it's time to go, you black asshole!"
"Oh, all right," Butters whimpered.
Butters had to go home after that, because he said that it was past his bedtime and his parents would probably ground him once he got back. Cartman considered making him stick around longer just to get him in trouble, but decided that he had had enough of Butters' company; that guy was just so annoying.
"Ah, don't you like me, Eric?" Butters asked.
Cartman considered that. "You have your uses."
The next morning, Saturday, Cartman got up and checked his phone. Eight text messages from Butters. That guy obviously still hadn't figured out how this whole "bitch" thing worked. Butters was being WAY too needy, and if he was going to insist that Cartman reciprocated on this decidedly one-way relationship, Cartman was going to have to put a stop to the whole thing.
Cartman found himself wandering around, and he eventually found himself at Tweak's Coffee Shop.
"Really?" Stan said. "Again?"
Peering in the window, he noticed that Kyle was sitting at one of the tables all by himself, sipping his coffee and looking depressed. Snickering, Cartman walked in and sat down. "'Sup, Jew?"
For once, Kyle didn't seem to have the resolve to be angry. "I'm just feeling torn."
"Oh, really?" Cartman asked. "What about?"
"No way would I tell him," Kyle insisted.
Kyle threw up his hands in disgust.
"...I've been trying to decide what to do about Stan and Kenny. Stan seems to want a relationship, but he isn't not sure with who. Kenny just wants to fuck, and he doesn't care with who. And all of their antics over the past few days have gotten me a bit confused myself."
Cartman began filing everything away; you never did know when information might become useful. "Do go on," he said.
"I do have feelings for both of them. But if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that relationships are about decisions, not feelings."
"What?" Stan exclaimed. "What's the justification for that lesson? Where did the characters learn that? You can't just pull that out of nowhere!"
Cartman shrugged. "I still kick ass."
"What do you mean?" Cartman asked.
"Well, think about it," Kyle said. "When two people get married, they say 'for better or worse.' They're choosing to stick together no matter what happens, not just if things happen to be going well. Feelings come and go, but a relationship has to be more stable than that.
"And that's why I don't think getting in a relationship with either Stan or Kenny is a good idea. Because that relationship will only last as long as things are going smoothly; the minute things start getting tense, it would be all over. But I want a real relationship. With all the ups, downs, and conflicts that come with it. I don't think Stan and I could work like that. We can be friends through thick and thin, but boyfriends? It would be too painful. And Kenny would never work because he doesn't want a relationship at all."
Kyle looked up and asked him. "What do you think?"
"I think you're a stupid Jew, and you've put way too much thought into this."
"Hahahaha!" Cartman laughed "Oh, man, that was so awesome! Hahahahaha! Can you picture the look on his face? Haha, sweet."
"Maybe you're right," Kyle said. "But-"
"STOP AGREEING WITH ME!" Cartman yelled.
Kyle froze. So did Cartman.
"Stop listening to everything I say! It's no fun bossing people around if they already agree with you! You're just the same as Butters! You think all the problems in the world will just solve themselves if you just shut up and let them walk all over you! But the world doesn't work that way, you have to make it your bitch! God, I hate you guys!"
At that, Kyle turned red. "You want a fight? I'll give you a fight any day of the week, you fat piece of shit!"
"Bring it on, bitch! I'll take you down!"
"Such thrilling dialogue," Kyle commented.
Kyle and Cartman stared at each other for a long time. Then Kyle smiled. "See, Cartman, you understand what I mean."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Kyle," Cartman insisted.
"You want a real relationship just like i do," Kyle said. "With all the benefits and all the hardships. You don't want something that's fake. That's why I think you and I could be a perfect couple, because we've always stuck together, even when we've been completely at odds with each other. If our relationship can survive just being able to stand one another, it can survive anything."
"Bullshit!" Kyle said. "Total bullshit! If you choose to stay in a relationship with someone you hate, you'll still be miserable. This is fucking retarded!"
Seeing that his fictional counterpart was about to lean more towards "real" romance, and less towards domination, Cartman bit his lip in irritation.
"Yeah, it can survive anything but another holocaust! Cause then you'll be dead!" Cartman laughed.
Kyle punched Cartman in the gut. "You fucking fatass! I hate you!"
"Yeah?" Cartman said. "Well, I hate you too!"
There was another moment of silence. Then Cartman asked, "So, you want to go grab some ice cream or something?"
Kyle smiled. "Sure."
Kyle started beating his head against the wall.
Cartman grinned. "Sweet." Then he looked Kyle right in the eyes. "You're not going to try and make me change my ways, are you?"
Kyle shook his head. "No. You don't have to change who you are to be with me."
"Although," Kyle laughed, "you could probably stand to lose some weight."
"Wow, way to cheapen relationships, you crappy story," Kyle muttered. "'Oh, even though romantic relationships are totally important and required in order to be accepted, you don't have to change at all.' More bullshit. That just undermines everything they tried to say about relationships being a commitment, because it implies you don't have to work for them."
"Not only that," Stan replied, "but this means that, with this flimsy logic, a writer can feasibly justify any pairing whatsoever. They'll be all over the place: Craig and Butters, Wendy and Dogpoo, or Clyde and that red-haired Goth kid. I mean, if they'll find an excuse to pair up Kyle and Cartman, they'll do it with anything."
The two of them look over at Cartman, who had finally blown his top.
"What the fuck is with all this romantic bullshit? Where's me being awesome? You're just going to make me Kyle's boyfriend? You can't do that! You hear that, you fucking son-of-a-bitch author! You can only do that if I'm starting rumors that Kyle's gay, or getting Butters sent to gay camp, or making everyone my bitch! Otherwise, it's not me! And for the rest of you guys, you better not be spreading more lies about me, or I swear, I'll make you WISH I had ground your parents up into chili!"
"So, does that mean we can vote to ban the story again?" Kyle asked. Cartman nodded, too furious for more words. And this time, it was unanimous.
Just then, Cartman remembered Butters. He quickly took out his phone and sent Butters a text: "im with jew boy now. fuk u bitch." Then he sent the same text to Stan, just for the hell of it. Oh, if only he could see the look on that guy's face.
Stan sighed. "It's like every time this story seems like it's about to wrap up, it introduces one more thing, just to keep this shit train going! Well, fortunately for us, now we can just go ahead and ban it without being interru-"
Just then, they heard a chorus of accusing shouts coming from the street: "Hatemongerers! Hatemongerers!"
"Oh, NOW what?" Kyle groaned.
Everyone went to the window and looked out. The street was filled with a group of middle-aged men, most of them holding signs identifying them as "NAMBLA." And given that none of them looked like Marlon Brando at all, it had to be the..."other NAMBLA."
Seeing that they had gotten everyone's attention, the NAMBLA leader grabbed his megaphone and began to speak. "First you deny us our rights to love like everyone else does. Now, you speak out against our erotic stories as well. Does your intolerance have no end?"
There was stunned silence for a long time. Then Stan finally managed to choke out the words "Erotic...stories? Based...on...children...characters?" Then he promptly vomited. And everyone else felt just as nauseous.
"Well, I guess that's the real problem here, isn't it?" Kyle realized.