Thursday, June 7, 2012

"Dude, This is Pretty F***ed Up Right Here" Chapter 7: Stendy as She Goes

South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, sexual themes, and pairings (albeit sarcastic ones)

Stan checked his phone, and noticed a text from Cartman: "im with jew boy now. fuk u bitch."

Kyle groaned. "We've already seen this. Get on with it."

Outside, the NAMBLA members continued to cheer.

Stan sighed. Kyle and Cartman as a couple? That sounded even more disgusting than Cartman with Wendy. Still, if that was what Kyle wanted, who was he to get in the way?

"Wrong," Stan said. "Friends don't let friends be with Cartman."

Cartman started to say something, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

Then he remembered Tweek's advice. He had said that he choose his partner after the other became unavailable. Now, Kyle was in a relationship with someone else. And with Wendy's old partner no less...

The time has come, Stan decided. He pulled out his phone and dialed Wendy's number.

"You know, I just realized," Heidi said. "This story started out with Stan in love with Kyle, and Wendy in love with Cartman. Now, Kyle's in love with Cartman, and Stan's in love with Wendy. Twisted..."

"Yeah, it's giving me the bends just thinking about it," Bebe replied. "The next thing you know, Kyle will be in love with Wendy, and Stan-"

"SHUT UP!" Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Cartman all yelled in unison. The NAMBLA members began chanting, "Stanman! Stanman! Stanman!"

Several minutes later, Stan was ringing Wendy's doorbell. Wendy answered. "You said it was urgent," she said.

"It is," Stan insisted. "I've been unfair to you these last few days. I shouldn't have just run off to Kyle after we had that one fight."

"No, it's my fault," Wendy replied. "I was being unreasonable. I can't expect you to spend all of your time with me. I was selfish. And besides, I ran off to...someone else, too."

"Yeah," Stan said awkwardly. ", noticed."

"Indeed, seeing someone having sexual intercourse with Eric Cartman would be a very uncomfortable topic to bring up in conversation," Gregory pointed out.

"Timmeh!" Timmy agreed. The NAMBLA crowd, still cheering, obviously did not.

"You're still a fucking faggot, dude," Cartman told Gregory.

"But enough of that," Stan said. "I want to talk about us."

Wendy's eyes narrowed. "What about 'us?'"

"I've seen some weird stuff go on in this town before," Stan said. "But somehow, it all ended up making sense in the end, like there was some point to it. Never in my life have things been this random.

Stan shook his head. "Yeah...I still don't think this author's really been paying enough attention to the real South Park."

"Stan! STAAAAN!" The door to Stan's room burst open and his dad, Randy, rushed in. "Why is there a crowd of people outside our house?" Then, he looked around in confusion, having just noticed that the entire town had gathered in his son's bedroom. "What is everyone doing here?"

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Dad, seriously...we've been doing this for six chapters already. Get with the program."

Stan continued. "In the few days since we broke up, this whole town has gone insane. Most of my friends turn out to be gay, and they all suddenly want relationships with lots of sex and stuff. And even the ones who sleep around, like Kenny, suddenly expand their horizons. All completely without explanation."

"Yeah, it's been crazy on my side, too," Wendy agreed. "I just heard that Bebe hooked up with Heidi last night. I couldn't quite believe it."

"Agh! Sick!" Heidi squirmed.

Bebe looked equally uncomfortable. "You guys are right," she said. "There definitely is some gender disparity to this whole thing."

"It's like, we're the glue that keeps all the romance the way it should be," Stan said.

"The One True Pairing," Wendy replied.

"And once we're just pulled apart, for some stupid reason, nothing else seems to go right," Stan concluded.

"You know," Dogpoo said, "we can all agree that the author is trying to explain away the crazy pairings that were going on earlier. But I think he forgot that Craig, Tweek, Damien and Pip were already in relationships prior to the story. So his reasoning here is a bit flimsy."

"Good point."

"That's true, kid," Kyle said. "But at this point, we've all pretty much stopped caring."

There was a long moment of silence. Then Dogpoo jumped for joy: "I got a line? I ACTUALLY GOT A LINE!"

"So, I guess what I'm asking is, will you take me back?" Stan asked.
"To set the universe right?" Wendy smiled.


"For better or worse?"


"Ugh, this is so sappy," Cartman said. "Lame!"

"Yeah, it's not really that exciting," Kyle agreed.

Stan was strangely silent.

"Of course I'll take you back," Wendy agreed. "We're not perfect, and we have our differences. But I know that we can get through it. We've been happy for years; we obviously have something good here."

"Thanks," Stan said, as the two of them embraced.

"Here we go again," Kyle said.

"There's just one request I'd like to make," Stan added.

"What's that?"

"Let's not have sex."

"BOO!" shouted the NAMBLA crowd.

"Boo!" shouted Mr. Garrison, before he realized everyone was giving him the evil eye. "Oh, crap."

"Why do you say that?" Wendy asked.

"Well, it's just that everyone has gotten so tangled up in the idea of sex that it's all anybody cares about. Well, screw what everyone else thinks; I think our relationship should focus on what's really important, which is love, not sex."

"Now, that's being a nonconformist," the curly-haired Goth kid said.

"Yeah," the rest of them agreed.

"I guess what I'm saying is...if I just wanted sex, well, I could do that with anyone. Even..." Stan shuddered. "...Cartman."

"Don't even go there!" Kyle warned.

"But since I want you, it must be for another reason. Because I don't want to be in a relationship with Cartman, or Kyle, or anyone else. Sure, sex has its uses, but it's not a stable enough foundation on which to build a relationship. I think we should make sure our relationship is secure before we start thinking about sex."

"Oh, come on!" the NAMBLA crowd groaned. "This story sucks now." One by one, they threw down their signs and began to disperse, having lost all interest in the story now that there was no sex between minors.

"And good riddance."

"You did that?" Kyle asked. "You stopped writing the sex and slash so you could drive them off?"

"Yeah. Once I saw the kind of audience this story had attracted, I decided it was time to take the hint."

"Oh, that's so sweet," Wendy said, smiling. "Kisses are still allowed, right?"

"Sure," Stan grinned.

Wendy leaned over to kiss him.

And he promptly threw up.

"Oh, come on," Stan said. "I don't do that anymore." Then Wendy kissed him on the cheek. "Bleech!"

"Gross, Stan!" Wendy yelled.

"Thank God it's finally over," Kyle said. "That was grueling." 

"Eh...I kind of liked that last chapter," Stan admitted, wiping vomit off of his face with his sleeve. There was an immediate cry of outrage from the rest of the fourth grade boys. "I mean," Stan quickly spoke up, "sure, it was far too late to make up for how bad the rest of that story was, and I guess it was a little sappy. I was just glad I ended up with Wendy. And at least I was being more noble there than I was in the rest of the story."

"Hard to argue with that," Kyle said. "But the way he did the complete about-face with the sex was very sudden and not realistic."

"Jesus, if there's sex, you complain, and if there's no sex, you complain. There's just no pleasing you guys, is there?"

"But at least we learned something today, guys," Cartman said.

"We did?" Clyde asked.

"Yes, Clyde," Cartman explained. "We learned that I, Eric Cartman, am awesome."

"That's not what we learned, you fat fuck!" Kyle spat.

"Alright, if you're such a fucking genius, what did we learn from this whole mess?" Cartman challenged.

Kyle thought hard. "We learned that people are...imaginative. They envision the people and characters they like in new adventures and stories. But we also learned that some of these people are not great writers, and that they usually try to make up for this lack of talent by resorting to cheap romance."

"Gah! Don't you think you might be insulting some of the people reading this?" Tweek asked.

"Well," Kyle said, looking out towards the readers, "chances are, if you people have stuck around this long, you probably agree with us, and are not the hack writers that we're talking about."

"Hear, hear," Gregory said.

"Yeah," Stan agreed. "We also learned that romance is not necessarily a bad thing. The key to good storytelling is to make it realistic. If people can believe it, they'll enjoy it. Wendy and I match up great together in fics, because she really is my girlfriend. Some other romance works, too, but let's face it; making someone gay when they're really not isn't realistic. Bad storytelling."

"True," Kyle said. "And if you really feel the need to write a story like that, go ahead. Just don't expect people to take you very seriously."

"Think about it this way," Stan said. "You write stories about us because you look up to us, right? Well then, wouldn't you want write a story that makes us proud? Instead of one that makes us feel uncomfortable?"

"Of course, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed," Kyle said firmly, clenching his fists. "We understand that some people like to write erotic stories, and that some people like to read them. But people...we're TEN YEARS OLD! Even if you age us, erotic fiction based on characters our age is just wrong. You want to write a good story? Great. You want to make it romance? Fine. You want to make us gay? That's...weird, but not criminal. You even want to include sex, as long as the characters aren't, like, under twelve? Again, a little creepy, but not terrible. But if you write romantic stories about us, using sex to try and've probably crossed the line. And that skips being creepy and just ends up being sick. That leads to the sort of thing that people end up in jail for. Like NAMBLA. And you don't want to be like NAMBLA, do you?"

"It sure seems like there are a lot of people who think like NAMBLA, aren't there?" Butters said.

"That's right, Butters." Stan said, then he looked back out at the audience. "But YOU guys can make a difference. Just keep writing good stories, preferably without weird pairings and stuff like that, so you can focus on comedy and quality storytelling. And together, we can beat the slash writers and take back control of our fandom!"

There was a silence. Then Wendy said, "Yeah, guys, that's probably not going to happen anytime soon. They're just too powerful."

"You're right," Kyle replied. "Dude, I think we've started getting preachy and up our own ass again."

"Well, what else is new?" Stan pointed out. "Besides, some things just need to be said." He looked around to see if anyone else had something to say. "I guess we're all done here."

"Almost. There's just one more thing."

"What's that?" Kyle asked.

At that moment, the door to Stan's room opened, and Kenny walked in, stretching.

"Oh, there you are, Kenny," Stan said. "Thank God you missed all that. You wouldn't believe all the stupid shit that just went down."

Kenny sighed.

"Fuck you guys."


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