Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Reflection: "Toothache"

South Park fanfiction. Rated T for swearing.

The first "real" addition to my evil universe series. Y'all should be able to guess the episode :)

Cartman barely had time to react as the satelite came crashing down from orbit. Fortunately, he wasn't the one who had to dodge.

"Wow, Kenny, that was a close one," he remarked.

"Yeah," Kenny replied, brushing a few dust particles off of his jacket.

Cartman shook his head. That guy was just untouchable. If he had been where Kenny was standing, he would have probably been crushed. But Kenny either had really good reflexes, instincts or just incredible luck. Or all three.

Nothing else happened that day, October 30th. The boys went to school as usual, and government agents came to take the satelite away. But what they didn't know was that the satelite was carrying a very potent space virus.

The next day, the boys all showed up at the bus stop in their Halloween costumes.

"What are you supposed to be, Kenny?" Stan asked.

"I'm a zombie," Kenny said, and made a face, trying to imitate a zombie.

"But, you don't have a costume," Kyle pointed out. "You're wearing the same thing thing you always wear. You could have just worn something a little torn up; that would have been more convincing."

"I don't have any torn clothes," Kenny said.

Stan slapped his forehead. "Kenny, you could have bought some clothes that were already torn up, and it wouldn't put a dent in your allowance. In fact, you probably have enough money to buy a working, full scale replica of the ED-209 from RoboCop, and used that as your costume."

Kenny turned up his nose. "Who would want to dress up as something from RoboCop? That movie is retarded."

"Hey, guys," Cartman piped up. "Let's not be overly critical of Kenny's costume choice. We should be more supportive of each other. For instance, Stan, I really like your...um...bear costume."

Stan nearly exploded. "Bear? I'm Chewbacca, you fucking idiot!"

"But I thought you were going as Raggedy Andy," Kyle said. "Isn't that what you told Wendy the other day? Then she would dress up as Raggedy Ann and you two would be a match. That way, you two would win the costume contest."

"I just told her that so she would show up in a ridiculous costume, and get laughed at," Stan said. "No contest judge would pick Raggedy Ann and Andy anyway. Besides, who would want to wear matching costumes with Wendy?"

"That's true," Kenny snorted. "And Kyle, you're..."

Cartman didn't know why Kenny seemed to be hesitating. It seemed pretty obvious from the uniform who Kyle was supposed to be.

"I'm Adolf Hitler," Kyle said. "Seig heil! Seig heil!" he saluted, to not one in particular.

There was a moment of silence. "Dude, that's messed up," Kenny finally muttered. "Aren't you Jewish?"

"Just because my family is doesn't mean I am," Kyle snapped. "I don't need their brainwashing religion."

"Kyle, you really should be more tolerant of your family's beliefs, and not hate them just because you happen to disagree," Cartman pointed out.

"What? Do you like Jews, Cartman?" Kyle asked.

Knowing full well he would get beaten up for saying it, Cartman said, "I try to be respectful of all people."

One black eye later...

"Still feeling respectful, fatass?"


Another black eye later...

"Thanks, Kyle, that'll make a great addition to my costume."

Kyle frowned. "Why, what are you supposed to be?"

Cartman smiled. "I wore this white shirt and black pants so I could be a panda, but I couldn't find any black makeup. Now, I don't need any."

Kyle blinked. With that outfit and those two black eyes, the fatass really did look like a panda. Well, shit...

Meanwhile, elsewhere in South Park...

The doctor sighed. This was the third patient today that had come in complaining of a toothache. As soon as he examined them, he could tell that their teeth were changing shape...sharpening...and it was happening to so many people...

It was almost like the whole town were becoming vampires. But of course that was impossible.

Upon arriving at school, the boys were even more surprised than the doctor was.

Kyle gaped in shock. "What? Everyone dressed as Hitler?"

It wasn't quite everyone, Cartman noted, but it was at least ten people. More than one might have expected.

"Another one?" Garrison sighed. "Well, go ahead and sit down." He didn't look too happy about all of his students' outfits.

Wendy was one of the few who wasn't dressed as Hitler. But her costume also looked rather familiar.

"Oh yay!" she cheered, hugging Stan. "You dressed as Chewbacca, too! Now we still match!"

"Uh, yeah," Stan muttered, trying to hide his shock and disgust. 'How come you chose Chewbacca?"

"I knew the judges wouldn't be able to resist such a popular Star Wars character," Wendy giggled. "And it looks like you thought the same thing. I knew that great minds thought alike!"

Stan looked too angry to even speak, but Wendy didn't seem to notice. Cartman looked around the room at the rest of the class. "What are you supposed to be, Token?" he asked.

Token chuckled. "I'm a ghost, obviously."

Cartman thought his costume looked suspiciously like something else, and judging from the frustration on the teacher's face, he thought the same thing. "Token, I told you that your costume is offensive," Garrison said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Token insisted, but Cartman could tell the redneck boy was smiling underneath his white hood. He knew what he was doing. "Besides," he said, "you didn't make all the Hitlers go change."

Yeah, Cartman thought, but it wasn't for lack of trying, I'll bet.

"Uh, Mr. Garrison," Clyde interrupted, "I don't feel so good.

"What is it, Clyde?"

"My tooth hurts really bad. I think I need to go see the nurse."

"Alright, go ahead," Garrison said.

By the time the evening rolled around, Stan was thoroughly pissed off. Wendy had stuck to him like glue practically all day, and he disliked her more than pretty much anyone else in the whole school. More than Cartman, and that was saying something. Even winning the costume contest hadn't cheered him up, because he had to share the prize with Wendy.

Then, when Wendy had asked to join them for trick-or-treat, Stan finally put his foot down. "No, you can't come with me to get candy, you stupid, self-centered, stuck-up, annoying, BITCH!" Wendy had run off crying.

"Don't you think that was a bit harsh?" Cartman asked. Stan looked rather unapologetic.

"Uh, guys? It looks like there's something wrong here..." Kenny said.

"What do you mean?" asked Kyle.

"I mean, there's a bunch of people walking around with pale white skin, dark cloaks, and pointed teeth. The whole town is filled with vampires!"

"Hey, you're right!" Cartman said. "We need to get out of here!"

They would have all run home, to try and forget the whole thing, but a large group of the vampires blocked their way. They ran to the nearest house they could find, with the bloodthirsty undead hot on their tail.

"You guys get help," Stan said. "Kenny, you and I will hold them off." He grabbed a loose fence post from the yard, and stabbed the first vampire in the chest. The vampire fell to the ground.

"C'mon, you fuckers!" Stan yelled. Cartman had thought Stan trying to fight the vampires was uncharacteristically noble, but now it looked like he was just enjoying it. Then he noticed that Wendy was at the back of the group. She was dressed all in black, and her skin was pale.

"So she's a vampire, too, huh?" Stan said, smiling. "I guess that means I'll get to pay her back the painful way." He stabbed his way through the vampires, making his way to the back of the group.

Cartman tried to yell for Stan to be careful, but then he and Kyle finally reached the doorbell.

Mr. McElroy opened the door. "What is it?" He had on an Elvis costume.

"Chef, there's a bunch of vampires in town, and they're trying to kill us!" Cartman screamed.

"There you kids go with that 'Chef' thing again," McElroy snapped. "That's not my name. And those aren't vampires, they're just trick-or-treaters."

"No, Chef, they're all over town."

"Being a vampire is popular this year, I guess," McElroy said. "See, that 'vampire' over there is just getting candy." He pointed across the street, where Clyde, who was dressed just like a vampire, was getting Candy from the Stotches. He seemed to be perfectly normal. Checking all the other houses, all the kids dressed as vampires were just acting like kids.

So, they're not vampires?

"Then, what about those contagious toothaches that were going around?" Kyle asked. "At least a dozen kids in class had to go see the nurse."

'Well, they're just toothaches," McElroy explained. "I got one, too, and the doctor said it was some virus, which weakens the enamel on your teeth and makes them look pointed. See?" He smiled, and Cartman could see that his teeth did look pointed, and he certainly wasn't acting like a vampire. "Naturally, that makes your teeth hurt. But he's making an antidote, and he should have everyone healed up in a few days."

So everyone really just has a toothache? But that meant-

"Stan! Stop! They aren't really vampires! They're just in costume!"

Stan froze. He was right in front of Wendy. She smiled. "You like my vampire costume? My teeth looked kind of pointed, so my dad suggested I go as a vampire. But this costume is stupid; it doesn't look anything like those real vampires from Twilight."

Stan sighed. Well, she was definitely acting like herself. Now he didn't have an excuse to drive a stake into her heart. Rats.

Then he looked back at the pile of dead kids behind him. "Oh, fuck."

So Stan was quickly arrested for killing a bunch of innocent trick-or-treaters. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny just sat dumbfounded as he was hauled away screaming.

"What are we going to do, guys?" Cartman asked bleakly.

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to start a rumor that Cartman's mom is on the cover of 'Crack Whore Magazine.' Does that sound like fun, Kenny?"

"It sure does," Kenny smiled.

Cartman squirmed uncomfortably. "Guys, come on. I know that's not true-" but Kyle and Kenny had already run off.

Oh well, some things never change. But seriously, what would he do? One of his best friends was in prison for murder. That wasn't the sort of thing that just becomes undone, with everyone forgetting about the whole thing. Like a universal reset button.

Was it?

Let me know what you guys thought of my alternative to "Pinkeye." If I get enough positive feedback, I just might do more of these from time to time.

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