Authors: John-SP150 as Kenny and NoseBridgePinch as Stan
Fan Art: John-SP150
Rated T for swearing, violence, perversion on Kenny's part and underage drinking on Stan's part.
Synopsis: The Marsh family is having a reunion for the holiday. Stan's realitives are causing him a great deal of worry. In additon to dealing with his parents, sister, grandfather, Uncle Jimbo and Ned, Stan must also deal with his Uncle Dean, Aunt Joanne and cousin Stephanie. Hopefully Kenny can help ease things, right?
Stan sat at his computer desk, eyes half lidded as he enjoyed the sweet, syrupy rush of alcohol coursing through his veins. He was trying to hold back his gag reflex, one of the more annoying side effects of chugging a soda that was half whiskey. He wondered if his dad had wanted to throw up this much when he started drinking. Stan had a new found respect for his dad, getting his ass kicked to defend him. Of course it had proved ineffective as ever but Stan could give an "A" for the effort. It was the most he could ask for; someone trying their best even if they failed. Look, the effects of the alcohol were working already!
Stan's couldn't help but smile, even if he was nauseated. He laughed as he pushed himself back from the desk in his chair and whirled around slowly. Any faster and probably would blow chunks. Oh, the fun one can have alone by themselves in their room when mildly buzzed. No one in the house really wanted his company anyway. He stopped mid whirl in the chair, and frowned as he faced the pile of birthday gifts by the door. The skirt was on top. Uncle Dean said he was just like him when he was ten years old. It was bad enough Stan worried he'd be like his own dad when he grew up but given the choice he'd be his dad rather than his weird uncle.
His eyes scanned his bedroom, very boyish in every way, even though the walls were painted a hideous shade of purple. Left over from when his mom had had the brilliant idea to paint the living room that color. He remembered trying to protest but his mom putting her foot down, accepting no excuses and saying he should be grateful his parents would go through the trouble of repainting his room.
Being forced to have purple walls was one thing, but being given a pink skirt with the strong implication he should go out in public wearing it? That was just too much. He had to get rid of it. A month ago he would have passed it off to Wendy; she always liked frilly stuff like that. Who could he give it to now? Butters? Butters would probably like it but the teasing that poor dumbass would receive was way too cruel to put him through.
He couldn't think of many other options, but Stan's thoughts were interrupted by a knocking at his door, "Uh, dude, Stan, you in there?" Stan raised an eyebrow and sat up as Kenny poked his head into the doorway.
"Oh, it's my very good FRIEND Kenny. At least, I thought you were my good friend but with my sister around I'm nonexistent, not that I'm already used to that. God, you're even worse than that asshole, Butters." Kenny shook his head, "What? You think I'm kidding? You're a dick, dude. Just a total... dick. Fuck you, okay? Just... fuck you! Stop trying to take over my family! It's my family, not yours! You don't see me trying to go to your family and be all cool and likeable and stuff!" Stan said, jumping up and going over and poking Kenny in the chest, "Are you listening to me, man?"
Kenny rolled his eyes as he carefully closed Stan's bedroom door: he'd wanted to spend Thanksgiving with the Marshes to avoid this kind of stuff. Stan was lucky Kenny was used to dealing with drunk people. "Come on, Stan, you don't mean that. You're being assholish enough to get along with my family though. Come on, dude, why don't you sleep it off until dinner starts before you get in trouble?"
"Kenny, I know I've never told you this before but... you're a fuckin' dick, man. I mean it. You're a total dick. You're even worse than Cartman. All you do is just mooch off everyone and then you run off whenever we actually need help! Whenever we're on an adventure you just disappear. And people say I'm the pussy! Look at right now - you're just mooching off my family and my presents and our food and as soon as something goes wrong, you'll run off like the pussy you are!"
Kenny tried to keep his composure, even though Stan had just delivered one of the lowest of low blows for him, "You f- Godammit, Stan, you're so shit-faced drunk you're saying things you don't mean." Even though he was choosing his words carefully, one could definitely hear the anger in his tone. If he didn't know Stan was so drunk he could barely stand, he'd probably be ready to murder him about now, "Look, Stan, there are some things you just don't fucking understand and you need to accept that, okay? I would never, ever try to mooch off you. Maybe Kyle or Cartman but not you." The cynical part of Kenny's brain was screaming liar, liar, "I promise you, I won't run off before I help you work things out with Stephanie, okay? If I do, I will come right back here and try again, okay? Do you fucking hear me?"
Stan stumbled as he backed off Kenny. "You're right dude, you're better than me. That's why my family likes you so much."
"Come on, dude, it'll be okay. You should lie down." Kenny reached to grab Stan by the shoulder to lead him to his bed but Stan violently shrugged him off as he stepped away from him, falling backwards on top of his pile of birthday gifts. Kenny stood over his friend, hands on his hips. "You can't handle your liquor for shit."
"Why don't you just leave me alone, you're doing a better job than me fitting into my family so why don't you just take my place at Thanksgiving dinner and maybe forever? I don't like myself very much right now."
"What, are you trying to get yourself in trouble?" Kenny landed a small kick to Stan's side as his friend curled into a ball and groaned. "You don't want to be yourself? Fine. Be me for a bit and try sleeping on the floor. I'll be you and play with your sweet Kinect system in your warm, rat-free room with forty fucking boxes filled with Legos." Kenny grabbed the Kinect box sitting on the shelf and stomped over to the TV. He saw a Lego Star Wars X-Wing Fighter sitting on the shelf and picked it up, throwing it on top of Stan so little colorful pieces broke off and scattered around the drunken boy.
"Ow, asshole."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and play some fucking video games."
Stan sighed and got up, picking up the pieces of his shattered X-wing and trying to piece it back together without the instructions booklet, doing a mediocre job, "Dammit, Kenny, did you have to screw up my X-Wing? Everyone always screws up my Legos..."
"Yes, I did. Come on." Kenny said as he turned on the Xbox and began a game of Modern Warfare 3, "Get your drunken ass over here so we can play." Stan hobbled over, "You know how to play, right?"
"Of course I do." Stan got up as the game began, "So, uh, where was I? Oh right, what about that bitch, Alicia?"
"Stephanie."
"Vanessa."
"Stephanie."
"Charlie."
"Stephanie, Stan, her name is Stephanie." Kenny shook his head, "Anyway, yes I had a very nice talk with your cousin, she opened up to me after a while." Kenny fell silent. Stan waited for an answer, but none was coming so easily.
"So, what the hell happened? Did she say anything?" Kenny set up a two player, browsing through the various user profiles on Stan's Xbox, his eyes flicking to his friend who could barely hold his head up.
"I can use your gamer tag right, Stan? Since I get to be you now and all."
"Tell me about Sarah, Kenny!" Kenny laughed as he carefully slid Stan's Xbox controller out of his hands and started making up a new gamer profile for Stan, naming it 'PussyMarshMallow11'
"You'll feel like even more of an asshole when you find out why she hates you. Her name is Stephanie, you should remember it since its awfully similar to your name, the 'ST' sound and all."
"Stanley, Stephanie. Yeah makes sense, my sister is named Shelly. My family likes "S" names."
"Yeah, my family did that too, with K names. Your cousin doesn't like you because she's jealous of you." Kenny turned from adding a pink tutu to Stan's new avatar to see Stan had fallen back onto the carpet, his eyes shut. "Goddamn, you're a mess, pay attention! I'm trying to tell you something important! You hate your family and your life so much, meanwhile your Aunt and Uncle modelled their daughter's life to be as close to yours as they can possibly make it."
Stan's eyes flew open. "Huh, what do you mean? Why would anyone possibly want to live my life? Fighting celebrities, monsters and supernatural forces? Its hell, dude, you know as well as I do. Not to mention my dad's an idiot, my friends fight all the time... I mean come on... who would want to live like me?"
"She doesn't want to live like you. That's the problem. Her parents want you to be just like you. Their whole house is purple just like yours, and your aunt used to work as a receptionist just like your mom when she was in college, and they used to dress her up like a little boy when she was a baby. It's so fucked up."
Stan unsteadily pushed himself up and picked up his abandoned X Wing, trying to fit the pieces back together from memory. "They gave me a fucking skirt, trying to do that reverse gender bullshit on both of us. Goddammit."
"It's not just that. Stephanie seems to think her parents want you as their son. They really wanted a boy but had her instead, so they gave her a name similar to yours. All Stephanie hears is why can't she be more like her cousin and she tries to escape it by burying her nose in different fantasy books but of course it's not good enough for her parents."
"My dad is stupid, we at least have that in common, but I see what you mean."
"But I think the biggest gripe I got out of her was her parents came to celebrate your birthday a month late, tomorrow is her birthday and so far she's heard nothing about it from them. She's afraid they forgot. It wouldn't be the first time according to her."
Stan finally stopped fiddling with his Legos and looked up at Kenny in shock. "They can't do that! That's really shitty- they forgot about their own kid to favor me. We have to make it right, for her sake and mine."
"Well, what exactly are we supposed to do? Your aunt and uncle seem to love you no matter what you do. They try to justify every little thing. They'd probably hide the bodies in her basement if you were a serial killer." Kenny rolled his eyes.
"Well, we have to do something. The poor girl, what if we try talking to her again? I know more about her, maybe I can connect with her better now?"
"I doubt it. I'm telling you, dude, she hates you like Kyle hates Cartman. Talking to her won't do any good." Kenny insisted. Stan could be so thick sometimes, always talk, talk, talk. He longed to tell him talking didn't solve all the world's problems.
"We have to try, dude! What other options are there?" Kenny opened his mouth but Stan ignored him, "Come on, where is she right now? Where did you talk to her?"
"Oh, she's downstairs in the living room, watching television. Your dad's in his study, your mom and aunt are in the kitchen, I dunno where your Uncle Dean is and Uncle Jimbo and Ned are talking to Shelly about something out back. They seem to really like her now." Stan unsteadily got up and stumbled out of the room and began running down the stairs, "Hey, wait up, asshole!" Kenny chased after him.
"Stanley, I could use a hand in the kitchen." Sharon's voice came out as Stan passed the kitchen. He opened his mouth to reply but Kenny shook his head, leaving Stan to his mission as he went to join Stan's mother. Normally he'd protest but he was more concerned about his cousin, and his aunt was there so Kenny couldn't molest his mom, right? Stan entered the living room.
Stephanie was lying on the couch, her legs hanging over the arm rest and her head on a cushion, her copy of Lord of the Rings held up over her face. Stan hopped up onto the couch next to her. "Hey." She ignored him. "Hey!" No response. "Pay attention to me!"
"I think my mom would rather talk to you, I'm busy, Stanley." Oh she was going to play rough was she? Stan grabbed her book and threw it on the other side of the couch.
"Now you have to talk to me."
Stephanie finally looked at her cousin as she sat up."Ugh, you're like a mini version of Uncle Randy. What do you want?" She leaned forward getting a better look at him. "You're drunk aren't you? I'm telling."
Maybe honesty would work on her. Stan was sick of tip toeing around it; he leaned in to whisper to her. "Of course I'm drunk, how do you think I've been dealing with my family lately? I'm trying to help you."
"I seriously doubt you getting drunk would help me out. You look even more like your father when you can't see straight."
"Listen; think of me trying to help you as a gift. I thought people were supposed to get gifts on their birthdays."
"You knew! I thought I told Kenny that in confidence. I knew I shouldn't trust any friend of yours."
"Why didn't you want people to know tomorrow was your birthday?"
Stan watched as her frown softened. "It's not that I didn't want people not to know. I just wanted them to remember on their own. They certainly made a big deal over your birthday and it was over a month ago!"
"Believe me, dude; turning ten has not been pleasant. Why did you think I started drinking in the first place? I know how it is to be ignored and friendless and I'm trying to help you out so you can be more accepted in this family."
"I don't want to be accepted in this family since its obvious everyone is fucked up beyond reason. I'm going to continue to ignore you and everyone else here until this whole stupid holiday is over. Now give me my book back!"
"Stanley, are you and your cousin playing nicely?" came Uncle Dean's voice as he came up from the basement, closing the door behind him, "Hey, you know, I was thinking you kids and I could maybe play some football out back! Maybe your brother Kenny can join in, too?" Dean definitely didn't come over often enough.
"Sure, Uncle Dean, sounds good." Stan said, coming up with a simple plan. No, not the band, an idea: throw the game so Stephanie would succeed and look better than him. It could hypothetically impress his uncle, "Stephanie gets to play, too, right?"
"Well, uh, sure, if she wants to. She's never been into football." Stephanie rolled her eyes but didn't argue with either male family member, "I'll get outside, you go get your brother and meet me in the front yard and we'll toss around the pigskin, huh?" Dean told them before reaching the front door and going out.
"Charming, a football game." Stephanie said, "Another stupid obsession of the adult figures in my life. How pathetic. How about the family's star quarterback going out to play what he was bred for, huh?" she quipped.
"God, can you stop being such a Negative Nancy Debbie Downer? It's a game of football." Stan told her, the alcohol raising his annoyance a bit: he was desperate to get her to play with him. "Let's just get outside. HEY, KENNY! KENNY, COME ON!" It took a moment but Kenny finally showed up from the kitchen door. "Dude, the three of us are playing football with Uncle Dean."
"Why the hell did you sign me up? You know I suck at football! Besides, the soup is getting it all steamy, I think I could totally get away with-"
"Shut up, Kenny, we're going outside and you're coming with."
Stephanie remained firmly seated on the couch, crossing her arms. "Who the hell do you think you are, Stanley? You think Kenny and I will just go along just to show off your football skills? You're awfully bossy."
Stan suddenly had flashbacks to seeing this kind of behavior going on between Cartman and Kyle. Not that he and Kyle were all that different but Stan would try one of his old tricks on her. "I think you'd enjoy trying to play football with us. Maybe I'll fuck up big time and end up pissing everyone off and you wouldn't want to miss that."
"No."
Stephanie went to reach for her novel but Stan grabbed it and held it out of reach. "Play with us, or I'll rip out the last page...and eat it!"
"Oh my God, you are such a piece of shit, Stanley Marsh. That's a library book! My parents don't keep anything in their house besides non-fiction!"
"Smooth, Stan." Kenny rolled his eyes as he longingly peeked back into the kitchen just as Sharon was carefully taking the soup off the stove with some pot holders. He didn't need this.
"I'll do it, Stephanie." Stan held the book over his head threateningly as she jumped off the couch to try to reach it.
"Fine, if I play will you leave me alone the rest of my stay here?"
"How about the rest of the day? I want to make sure you have a really happy birthday tomorrow." He smiled as he handed her back her book as he walked through to the kitchen.
"Oh, I can't wait to see how you spectacularly fuck that up as well."
Kenny leaned over to whisper to Stephanie. "Don't worry; I'll make sure everything goes okay. He's so drunk he'll be more funny than actually good at football anyway."
"For my sake, I hope you're right; he's already made enough of an ass of himself."
"Come on, you guys, let's go to the back yard!" Stan called from the dining room.
"He's awfully bossy isn't he?"
"That's our little Stanny. Just say the name Wendy Testaburger enough times and he'll get so depressed he'll back down."
Stephanie shrugged and followed her cousin out the back door. Kenny held back as he watched Sharon bent over the oven, checking the turkey as Aunt Joanne chopped vegetables.
"My, Joanne, the oven's made the kitchen so hot I may have to go change into one of my workout tops."
Oh Godammit! Kenny tried to hold back at the sliding glass door but Stan was glaring at him from the backyard as he was trying to tie Sparky to his dog house.
After that morning's embarrassment, Uncle Dean seemed desperate to prove his masculinity to anyone he could. So far it was a group of fourth graders, seeing as Randy, Jimbo and Ned still weren't talking to him. He stood in the middle of the yard, grinning. "So, how will this work? Stan and me against Scarlett and Kenny?"
"No. I think Kenny should be your teammate. I wanna play with STEPHANIE."
Stephanie narrowed her eyes but said nothing as she went to stand next to Stan.
"Right, silly me, we can't have the two best players on the same team, that wouldn't be fair. Hey, sweetie, ever learn anything about football from The Lord of the Rings? Didn't think so. We'll need to teach her."
Stan smiled again, attempting to make peace again. "The Lord of the Rings is badass. I like it too!"
"I bet you only saw the stupid movie."
"Well yeah."
"Pathetic, any book you would get your hands on you'd try to eat, right?"
Stan looked away as Stephanie went to stand next to Kenny.
"Are we playing the stupid, overcomplicated version of football or the easy, fun version?" Kenny asked. All he really wanted to do was play a game, he didn't want any of the extra bullshit, but Stan's uncle seemed like the type to amp up every rule he could. He was the obsessive type, he could tell already.
"How about we let Stan pick?" Dean smiled, looking at his nephew with a grin. Stan rubbed his face as he thought, wondering how to play it,
"Oh, the easier version of course." He doubted Kenny or Stephanie knew the full game, and Stan only knew the rules as far as he could let himself care, and on a day-to-day basis, he simply did not. "Just two ends of the field there and there..." he specified different sides of the lawn, "The left one'll be you and Kenny, the right'll be me and Stephanie." Stan explained, "We'll toss the ball up, hit the end of the field, it's a touchdown. We don't have flags but... I think touch might be a little dangerous..." Stan didn't want to give his uncle any excuses to be grabbing anyone, "How about just a tag?"
"I think that works." Dean nodded, "Everybody ready?" No objections, "One, two, three... hike!" he tossed the ball out towards Kenny. Stephanie half-heartedly chased after it, clearly disinterested. Kenny grabbed the ball and quickly ran off with it towards Stan's side. Stan ran in hopes of tagging him - shit though, then he'd be overshadowing Stephanie, right? No, wait. He tagged Kenny and took the ball from him successfully,
"Steph!" He tossed the ball in her direction, hoping she could catch it and go for their side.
Stephanie shut her eyes as she held out her hands, her cousin's throw caused the football to go straight into her hands and smack her right on the fingers as it bounced off and went flying. "Ow! Goddammit!"
"Time out!" Kenny called as he rushed up to her as Stephanie stuck her fingers in her mouth. "Are you okay? Let me see."
"You broke my nail, Stanley!" Stephanie cried out as Kenny took her hand to examine it, the nail on her middle finger had bent back and broke and was bleeding slightly.
"Oh come on Scarlett, a broken nail is not an injury. Walk it off sweetie."
Stan stood gawking at what he just did when he meant to make Stephanie look good. "I'm so sorry Stephanie! I didn't mean to do it, Uncle Dean, I swear!"
"Oh don't mind her, she's just over dramatic. But damn, boy, you have quite an arm on you. Your father did say you were your school's quarterback?"
Stan was still unsure if he should try to help or would he be told to fuck off as Kenny held Stephanie's hand. "Oh yeah, well basically no one really cared or wanted to do it, I just sorta volunteered for it."
"I must say, keep that speed up and you could earn yourself a football scholarship one day. Get out of this town and make something of yourself. I did my undergraduate studies on an athletic scholarship."
"Of course you did." Stan sighed, finally realizing he was starting to feel lees drunk and therefore bad. Fear seemed to be a better sobriety remedy than coffee.
Across the field Kenny had Stephanie's hand in his as he whispered to her. "Come on, be brave, don't let your dad see you cry."
"Please Kenny, I don't want to play anymore. I just did it to shut Stanley and my dad up."
"Shh, shh, it's okay, let Kenny fix all of this. Just play along."
Stephanie nodded as Kenny patted her on the shoulder. "She's fine, guys. Time in. I think it's my ball, right?"
"Right, Kenny. I'm open, unless Stan can block it, right, champ?" Uncle Dean broke away from Stan as he got into position. Stan half-heartedly stood in front of his uncle, hands up ready to catch the ball if Uncle Dean missed it. Kenny gave one last glance to Stephanie before narrowing his eyes, aiming and throwing the ball directly into Stan's face. It made contact with a loud smacking sound as Stan toppled backwards into the snow with a heavy thud. "Who's being over dramatic now, Stan?"
He looked over at Stephanie again, who was trying to hide the smile on her face behind her hand with the broken nail. "Thank you, Kenny, he really deserved that."
"No problem. Happy Birthday, Stephanie."
Uncle Dean was bent over his nephew across the yard. "Goddamn, Kenny, he's out cold. Scarlett, go get your mom and Aunt Sharon."
Stephanie gave Kenny a hug, and then landed a small kiss right between his eyes, seeing as the rest of his face was covered by his hoodie. She pulled away with a blush on her cheeks. "Okay, Daddy." She said sweetly.
Kenny watched her walk away, he was good. Well from his view he could see her ass was as flat as her chest but still, a kiss. He was damn good. He had to figure out a way to pull down his hood quickly in case of surprises like that. Two down, two to go. He watched as Sharon and Joanne rushed out and Joanne gave a dramatic, bloodcurdling scream. The two younger Marsh women had been a snap, now he had bigger conquests, mountains to climb, if you will.
As for Stan, he'd live. He was lucky like that.
Rated T for swearing, violence, perversion on Kenny's part and underage drinking on Stan's part.
Synopsis: The Marsh family is having a reunion for the holiday. Stan's realitives are causing him a great deal of worry. In additon to dealing with his parents, sister, grandfather, Uncle Jimbo and Ned, Stan must also deal with his Uncle Dean, Aunt Joanne and cousin Stephanie. Hopefully Kenny can help ease things, right?
Stan's couldn't help but smile, even if he was nauseated. He laughed as he pushed himself back from the desk in his chair and whirled around slowly. Any faster and probably would blow chunks. Oh, the fun one can have alone by themselves in their room when mildly buzzed. No one in the house really wanted his company anyway. He stopped mid whirl in the chair, and frowned as he faced the pile of birthday gifts by the door. The skirt was on top. Uncle Dean said he was just like him when he was ten years old. It was bad enough Stan worried he'd be like his own dad when he grew up but given the choice he'd be his dad rather than his weird uncle.
His eyes scanned his bedroom, very boyish in every way, even though the walls were painted a hideous shade of purple. Left over from when his mom had had the brilliant idea to paint the living room that color. He remembered trying to protest but his mom putting her foot down, accepting no excuses and saying he should be grateful his parents would go through the trouble of repainting his room.
Being forced to have purple walls was one thing, but being given a pink skirt with the strong implication he should go out in public wearing it? That was just too much. He had to get rid of it. A month ago he would have passed it off to Wendy; she always liked frilly stuff like that. Who could he give it to now? Butters? Butters would probably like it but the teasing that poor dumbass would receive was way too cruel to put him through.
He couldn't think of many other options, but Stan's thoughts were interrupted by a knocking at his door, "Uh, dude, Stan, you in there?" Stan raised an eyebrow and sat up as Kenny poked his head into the doorway.
"Oh, it's my very good FRIEND Kenny. At least, I thought you were my good friend but with my sister around I'm nonexistent, not that I'm already used to that. God, you're even worse than that asshole, Butters." Kenny shook his head, "What? You think I'm kidding? You're a dick, dude. Just a total... dick. Fuck you, okay? Just... fuck you! Stop trying to take over my family! It's my family, not yours! You don't see me trying to go to your family and be all cool and likeable and stuff!" Stan said, jumping up and going over and poking Kenny in the chest, "Are you listening to me, man?"
Kenny rolled his eyes as he carefully closed Stan's bedroom door: he'd wanted to spend Thanksgiving with the Marshes to avoid this kind of stuff. Stan was lucky Kenny was used to dealing with drunk people. "Come on, Stan, you don't mean that. You're being assholish enough to get along with my family though. Come on, dude, why don't you sleep it off until dinner starts before you get in trouble?"
"Kenny, I know I've never told you this before but... you're a fuckin' dick, man. I mean it. You're a total dick. You're even worse than Cartman. All you do is just mooch off everyone and then you run off whenever we actually need help! Whenever we're on an adventure you just disappear. And people say I'm the pussy! Look at right now - you're just mooching off my family and my presents and our food and as soon as something goes wrong, you'll run off like the pussy you are!"
Kenny tried to keep his composure, even though Stan had just delivered one of the lowest of low blows for him, "You f- Godammit, Stan, you're so shit-faced drunk you're saying things you don't mean." Even though he was choosing his words carefully, one could definitely hear the anger in his tone. If he didn't know Stan was so drunk he could barely stand, he'd probably be ready to murder him about now, "Look, Stan, there are some things you just don't fucking understand and you need to accept that, okay? I would never, ever try to mooch off you. Maybe Kyle or Cartman but not you." The cynical part of Kenny's brain was screaming liar, liar, "I promise you, I won't run off before I help you work things out with Stephanie, okay? If I do, I will come right back here and try again, okay? Do you fucking hear me?"
Stan stumbled as he backed off Kenny. "You're right dude, you're better than me. That's why my family likes you so much."
"Come on, dude, it'll be okay. You should lie down." Kenny reached to grab Stan by the shoulder to lead him to his bed but Stan violently shrugged him off as he stepped away from him, falling backwards on top of his pile of birthday gifts. Kenny stood over his friend, hands on his hips. "You can't handle your liquor for shit."
"Why don't you just leave me alone, you're doing a better job than me fitting into my family so why don't you just take my place at Thanksgiving dinner and maybe forever? I don't like myself very much right now."
"What, are you trying to get yourself in trouble?" Kenny landed a small kick to Stan's side as his friend curled into a ball and groaned. "You don't want to be yourself? Fine. Be me for a bit and try sleeping on the floor. I'll be you and play with your sweet Kinect system in your warm, rat-free room with forty fucking boxes filled with Legos." Kenny grabbed the Kinect box sitting on the shelf and stomped over to the TV. He saw a Lego Star Wars X-Wing Fighter sitting on the shelf and picked it up, throwing it on top of Stan so little colorful pieces broke off and scattered around the drunken boy.
"Ow, asshole."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and play some fucking video games."
Stan sighed and got up, picking up the pieces of his shattered X-wing and trying to piece it back together without the instructions booklet, doing a mediocre job, "Dammit, Kenny, did you have to screw up my X-Wing? Everyone always screws up my Legos..."
"Yes, I did. Come on." Kenny said as he turned on the Xbox and began a game of Modern Warfare 3, "Get your drunken ass over here so we can play." Stan hobbled over, "You know how to play, right?"
"Of course I do." Stan got up as the game began, "So, uh, where was I? Oh right, what about that bitch, Alicia?"
"Stephanie."
"Vanessa."
"Stephanie."
"Charlie."
"Stephanie, Stan, her name is Stephanie." Kenny shook his head, "Anyway, yes I had a very nice talk with your cousin, she opened up to me after a while." Kenny fell silent. Stan waited for an answer, but none was coming so easily.
"So, what the hell happened? Did she say anything?" Kenny set up a two player, browsing through the various user profiles on Stan's Xbox, his eyes flicking to his friend who could barely hold his head up.
"I can use your gamer tag right, Stan? Since I get to be you now and all."
"Tell me about Sarah, Kenny!" Kenny laughed as he carefully slid Stan's Xbox controller out of his hands and started making up a new gamer profile for Stan, naming it 'PussyMarshMallow11'
"You'll feel like even more of an asshole when you find out why she hates you. Her name is Stephanie, you should remember it since its awfully similar to your name, the 'ST' sound and all."
"Stanley, Stephanie. Yeah makes sense, my sister is named Shelly. My family likes "S" names."
"Yeah, my family did that too, with K names. Your cousin doesn't like you because she's jealous of you." Kenny turned from adding a pink tutu to Stan's new avatar to see Stan had fallen back onto the carpet, his eyes shut. "Goddamn, you're a mess, pay attention! I'm trying to tell you something important! You hate your family and your life so much, meanwhile your Aunt and Uncle modelled their daughter's life to be as close to yours as they can possibly make it."
Stan's eyes flew open. "Huh, what do you mean? Why would anyone possibly want to live my life? Fighting celebrities, monsters and supernatural forces? Its hell, dude, you know as well as I do. Not to mention my dad's an idiot, my friends fight all the time... I mean come on... who would want to live like me?"
"She doesn't want to live like you. That's the problem. Her parents want you to be just like you. Their whole house is purple just like yours, and your aunt used to work as a receptionist just like your mom when she was in college, and they used to dress her up like a little boy when she was a baby. It's so fucked up."
Stan unsteadily pushed himself up and picked up his abandoned X Wing, trying to fit the pieces back together from memory. "They gave me a fucking skirt, trying to do that reverse gender bullshit on both of us. Goddammit."
"It's not just that. Stephanie seems to think her parents want you as their son. They really wanted a boy but had her instead, so they gave her a name similar to yours. All Stephanie hears is why can't she be more like her cousin and she tries to escape it by burying her nose in different fantasy books but of course it's not good enough for her parents."
"My dad is stupid, we at least have that in common, but I see what you mean."
"But I think the biggest gripe I got out of her was her parents came to celebrate your birthday a month late, tomorrow is her birthday and so far she's heard nothing about it from them. She's afraid they forgot. It wouldn't be the first time according to her."
Stan finally stopped fiddling with his Legos and looked up at Kenny in shock. "They can't do that! That's really shitty- they forgot about their own kid to favor me. We have to make it right, for her sake and mine."
"Well, what exactly are we supposed to do? Your aunt and uncle seem to love you no matter what you do. They try to justify every little thing. They'd probably hide the bodies in her basement if you were a serial killer." Kenny rolled his eyes.
"Well, we have to do something. The poor girl, what if we try talking to her again? I know more about her, maybe I can connect with her better now?"
"I doubt it. I'm telling you, dude, she hates you like Kyle hates Cartman. Talking to her won't do any good." Kenny insisted. Stan could be so thick sometimes, always talk, talk, talk. He longed to tell him talking didn't solve all the world's problems.
"We have to try, dude! What other options are there?" Kenny opened his mouth but Stan ignored him, "Come on, where is she right now? Where did you talk to her?"
"Oh, she's downstairs in the living room, watching television. Your dad's in his study, your mom and aunt are in the kitchen, I dunno where your Uncle Dean is and Uncle Jimbo and Ned are talking to Shelly about something out back. They seem to really like her now." Stan unsteadily got up and stumbled out of the room and began running down the stairs, "Hey, wait up, asshole!" Kenny chased after him.
"Stanley, I could use a hand in the kitchen." Sharon's voice came out as Stan passed the kitchen. He opened his mouth to reply but Kenny shook his head, leaving Stan to his mission as he went to join Stan's mother. Normally he'd protest but he was more concerned about his cousin, and his aunt was there so Kenny couldn't molest his mom, right? Stan entered the living room.
Stephanie was lying on the couch, her legs hanging over the arm rest and her head on a cushion, her copy of Lord of the Rings held up over her face. Stan hopped up onto the couch next to her. "Hey." She ignored him. "Hey!" No response. "Pay attention to me!"
"I think my mom would rather talk to you, I'm busy, Stanley." Oh she was going to play rough was she? Stan grabbed her book and threw it on the other side of the couch.
"Now you have to talk to me."
Stephanie finally looked at her cousin as she sat up."Ugh, you're like a mini version of Uncle Randy. What do you want?" She leaned forward getting a better look at him. "You're drunk aren't you? I'm telling."
Maybe honesty would work on her. Stan was sick of tip toeing around it; he leaned in to whisper to her. "Of course I'm drunk, how do you think I've been dealing with my family lately? I'm trying to help you."
"I seriously doubt you getting drunk would help me out. You look even more like your father when you can't see straight."
"Listen; think of me trying to help you as a gift. I thought people were supposed to get gifts on their birthdays."
"You knew! I thought I told Kenny that in confidence. I knew I shouldn't trust any friend of yours."
"Why didn't you want people to know tomorrow was your birthday?"
Stan watched as her frown softened. "It's not that I didn't want people not to know. I just wanted them to remember on their own. They certainly made a big deal over your birthday and it was over a month ago!"
"Believe me, dude; turning ten has not been pleasant. Why did you think I started drinking in the first place? I know how it is to be ignored and friendless and I'm trying to help you out so you can be more accepted in this family."
"I don't want to be accepted in this family since its obvious everyone is fucked up beyond reason. I'm going to continue to ignore you and everyone else here until this whole stupid holiday is over. Now give me my book back!"
"Stanley, are you and your cousin playing nicely?" came Uncle Dean's voice as he came up from the basement, closing the door behind him, "Hey, you know, I was thinking you kids and I could maybe play some football out back! Maybe your brother Kenny can join in, too?" Dean definitely didn't come over often enough.
"Sure, Uncle Dean, sounds good." Stan said, coming up with a simple plan. No, not the band, an idea: throw the game so Stephanie would succeed and look better than him. It could hypothetically impress his uncle, "Stephanie gets to play, too, right?"
"Well, uh, sure, if she wants to. She's never been into football." Stephanie rolled her eyes but didn't argue with either male family member, "I'll get outside, you go get your brother and meet me in the front yard and we'll toss around the pigskin, huh?" Dean told them before reaching the front door and going out.
"Charming, a football game." Stephanie said, "Another stupid obsession of the adult figures in my life. How pathetic. How about the family's star quarterback going out to play what he was bred for, huh?" she quipped.
"God, can you stop being such a Negative Nancy Debbie Downer? It's a game of football." Stan told her, the alcohol raising his annoyance a bit: he was desperate to get her to play with him. "Let's just get outside. HEY, KENNY! KENNY, COME ON!" It took a moment but Kenny finally showed up from the kitchen door. "Dude, the three of us are playing football with Uncle Dean."
"Why the hell did you sign me up? You know I suck at football! Besides, the soup is getting it all steamy, I think I could totally get away with-"
"Shut up, Kenny, we're going outside and you're coming with."
Stephanie remained firmly seated on the couch, crossing her arms. "Who the hell do you think you are, Stanley? You think Kenny and I will just go along just to show off your football skills? You're awfully bossy."
Stan suddenly had flashbacks to seeing this kind of behavior going on between Cartman and Kyle. Not that he and Kyle were all that different but Stan would try one of his old tricks on her. "I think you'd enjoy trying to play football with us. Maybe I'll fuck up big time and end up pissing everyone off and you wouldn't want to miss that."
"No."
Stephanie went to reach for her novel but Stan grabbed it and held it out of reach. "Play with us, or I'll rip out the last page...and eat it!"
"Oh my God, you are such a piece of shit, Stanley Marsh. That's a library book! My parents don't keep anything in their house besides non-fiction!"
"Smooth, Stan." Kenny rolled his eyes as he longingly peeked back into the kitchen just as Sharon was carefully taking the soup off the stove with some pot holders. He didn't need this.
"I'll do it, Stephanie." Stan held the book over his head threateningly as she jumped off the couch to try to reach it.
"Fine, if I play will you leave me alone the rest of my stay here?"
"How about the rest of the day? I want to make sure you have a really happy birthday tomorrow." He smiled as he handed her back her book as he walked through to the kitchen.
"Oh, I can't wait to see how you spectacularly fuck that up as well."
Kenny leaned over to whisper to Stephanie. "Don't worry; I'll make sure everything goes okay. He's so drunk he'll be more funny than actually good at football anyway."
"For my sake, I hope you're right; he's already made enough of an ass of himself."
"Come on, you guys, let's go to the back yard!" Stan called from the dining room.
"He's awfully bossy isn't he?"
"That's our little Stanny. Just say the name Wendy Testaburger enough times and he'll get so depressed he'll back down."
Stephanie shrugged and followed her cousin out the back door. Kenny held back as he watched Sharon bent over the oven, checking the turkey as Aunt Joanne chopped vegetables.
"My, Joanne, the oven's made the kitchen so hot I may have to go change into one of my workout tops."
Oh Godammit! Kenny tried to hold back at the sliding glass door but Stan was glaring at him from the backyard as he was trying to tie Sparky to his dog house.
After that morning's embarrassment, Uncle Dean seemed desperate to prove his masculinity to anyone he could. So far it was a group of fourth graders, seeing as Randy, Jimbo and Ned still weren't talking to him. He stood in the middle of the yard, grinning. "So, how will this work? Stan and me against Scarlett and Kenny?"
"No. I think Kenny should be your teammate. I wanna play with STEPHANIE."
Stephanie narrowed her eyes but said nothing as she went to stand next to Stan.
"Right, silly me, we can't have the two best players on the same team, that wouldn't be fair. Hey, sweetie, ever learn anything about football from The Lord of the Rings? Didn't think so. We'll need to teach her."
Stan smiled again, attempting to make peace again. "The Lord of the Rings is badass. I like it too!"
"I bet you only saw the stupid movie."
"Well yeah."
"Pathetic, any book you would get your hands on you'd try to eat, right?"
Stan looked away as Stephanie went to stand next to Kenny.
"Are we playing the stupid, overcomplicated version of football or the easy, fun version?" Kenny asked. All he really wanted to do was play a game, he didn't want any of the extra bullshit, but Stan's uncle seemed like the type to amp up every rule he could. He was the obsessive type, he could tell already.
"How about we let Stan pick?" Dean smiled, looking at his nephew with a grin. Stan rubbed his face as he thought, wondering how to play it,
"Oh, the easier version of course." He doubted Kenny or Stephanie knew the full game, and Stan only knew the rules as far as he could let himself care, and on a day-to-day basis, he simply did not. "Just two ends of the field there and there..." he specified different sides of the lawn, "The left one'll be you and Kenny, the right'll be me and Stephanie." Stan explained, "We'll toss the ball up, hit the end of the field, it's a touchdown. We don't have flags but... I think touch might be a little dangerous..." Stan didn't want to give his uncle any excuses to be grabbing anyone, "How about just a tag?"
"I think that works." Dean nodded, "Everybody ready?" No objections, "One, two, three... hike!" he tossed the ball out towards Kenny. Stephanie half-heartedly chased after it, clearly disinterested. Kenny grabbed the ball and quickly ran off with it towards Stan's side. Stan ran in hopes of tagging him - shit though, then he'd be overshadowing Stephanie, right? No, wait. He tagged Kenny and took the ball from him successfully,
"Steph!" He tossed the ball in her direction, hoping she could catch it and go for their side.
Stephanie shut her eyes as she held out her hands, her cousin's throw caused the football to go straight into her hands and smack her right on the fingers as it bounced off and went flying. "Ow! Goddammit!"
"Time out!" Kenny called as he rushed up to her as Stephanie stuck her fingers in her mouth. "Are you okay? Let me see."
"You broke my nail, Stanley!" Stephanie cried out as Kenny took her hand to examine it, the nail on her middle finger had bent back and broke and was bleeding slightly.
"Oh come on Scarlett, a broken nail is not an injury. Walk it off sweetie."
Stan stood gawking at what he just did when he meant to make Stephanie look good. "I'm so sorry Stephanie! I didn't mean to do it, Uncle Dean, I swear!"
"Oh don't mind her, she's just over dramatic. But damn, boy, you have quite an arm on you. Your father did say you were your school's quarterback?"
Stan was still unsure if he should try to help or would he be told to fuck off as Kenny held Stephanie's hand. "Oh yeah, well basically no one really cared or wanted to do it, I just sorta volunteered for it."
"I must say, keep that speed up and you could earn yourself a football scholarship one day. Get out of this town and make something of yourself. I did my undergraduate studies on an athletic scholarship."
"Of course you did." Stan sighed, finally realizing he was starting to feel lees drunk and therefore bad. Fear seemed to be a better sobriety remedy than coffee.
Across the field Kenny had Stephanie's hand in his as he whispered to her. "Come on, be brave, don't let your dad see you cry."
"Please Kenny, I don't want to play anymore. I just did it to shut Stanley and my dad up."
"Shh, shh, it's okay, let Kenny fix all of this. Just play along."
Stephanie nodded as Kenny patted her on the shoulder. "She's fine, guys. Time in. I think it's my ball, right?"
"Right, Kenny. I'm open, unless Stan can block it, right, champ?" Uncle Dean broke away from Stan as he got into position. Stan half-heartedly stood in front of his uncle, hands up ready to catch the ball if Uncle Dean missed it. Kenny gave one last glance to Stephanie before narrowing his eyes, aiming and throwing the ball directly into Stan's face. It made contact with a loud smacking sound as Stan toppled backwards into the snow with a heavy thud. "Who's being over dramatic now, Stan?"
He looked over at Stephanie again, who was trying to hide the smile on her face behind her hand with the broken nail. "Thank you, Kenny, he really deserved that."
"No problem. Happy Birthday, Stephanie."
Uncle Dean was bent over his nephew across the yard. "Goddamn, Kenny, he's out cold. Scarlett, go get your mom and Aunt Sharon."
Stephanie gave Kenny a hug, and then landed a small kiss right between his eyes, seeing as the rest of his face was covered by his hoodie. She pulled away with a blush on her cheeks. "Okay, Daddy." She said sweetly.
Kenny watched her walk away, he was good. Well from his view he could see her ass was as flat as her chest but still, a kiss. He was damn good. He had to figure out a way to pull down his hood quickly in case of surprises like that. Two down, two to go. He watched as Sharon and Joanne rushed out and Joanne gave a dramatic, bloodcurdling scream. The two younger Marsh women had been a snap, now he had bigger conquests, mountains to climb, if you will.
As for Stan, he'd live. He was lucky like that.
(groan)...now I'm the Nosebridgepincher...
ReplyDelete