Friday, July 13, 2012

"The Green Eyed Monster" Chapter Two: A Salty Entree

Category: South Park
Author: NoseBridgePinch
Fan Art: John-SP150
Rated T for swearing and immature fourth grade humor
Synopsis: Wendy gets kicked out of the girl's lunch table for being preachy, she decides to sit with Stan and his friends. Hilarity ensues.

Stan was enjoying a slice of pizza and tater tots, the only good thing left in the cafeteria after poor Chef had died. He had also been smirking with the other boys over a semi amusing story Kenny had been telling. "I seriously think we'd remember you reaching the top of the tree, waving to me and Kyle and slipping and hitting every branch on the way down. You'd have a million bruises or something."

"You wouldn't even survive a fall like that." Kyle said pointing a chicken nugget in Kenny's direction before dipping it in ketchup and popping it in his mouth.

Kenny slammed his fist onto the table, causing everyone's lunch trays to shake and his styrofoam cup filled with water to spill onto his bologna sandwich with no condiments. "That's the point you guys! I didn't survive that fall at all! I don't even know why I bother anymore."

Hmm so Kenny wasn't telling a disgusting story, just a ridiculous one. Wendy saw the half of the boys table that was facing her stop eating and stare. She saw Eric Cartman's chubby face give her a devilish grin, showing some of the food in his mouth. Yuck. Especially since she kissed that mouth before, but she could handle herself around him. What she hadn't counted on was Token Black sitting directly across from her boyfriend. Awkward.

Still, Stan had his back turned and hadn't noticed her. Oh well no turning back now. Wendy tried to remain poised and confident as she set her cute lunch box down and squeezed between Stan and Kyle. Stan looked up at her and almost choked on his pizza, quickly starting to cough. Kyle scooted away from her as far as the end of the lunch bench would hold him. She turned to give her boyfriend a smile. "Hey Stan, what's up?"

"Oooh here we go, she's come to break up with you again!" Cartman elbowed Token in the ribs. "Five bucks says he's the first to cry before her."

"I'm not having any of that." Token said more to the crab cake in front of him than Cartman himself.
Wendy glared at Cartman. "I'm not here to do that! Stan, are you okay?" She started patting him on the back.

"Then what are you doing here?" Asked Kenny.

"Yeah Wendy, you don't belong here. Go back to the girls table before you ruin our lunch with your whining and PMS." Cartman laughed again taking a bite of his double bacon cheeseburger.

"What! I came to see how my boyfriend and his friends are doing. I can sit here if I want, tell them Stan!"

"It's fine." Stan finally gasped between coughs, his eyes watering. Nice to know she still had that effect on him.

"You can't talk to me like that, fatass." Wendy retorted.

"Oh look the PMS is flaring up already. Do us a favor and get out of here before you ruin our lunch by making Stan puke all over the place."

Stan had finally regained his composure and glared at Cartman. "I haven't done that in at least six months, well not because of Wendy anyway."

"Stan's gotten much better as our relationship has gone on." Wendy said, still trying to maintain the upper hand to Cartman's immaturity.

"Yeah I'm sure he loves holding your pink purse filled with tampons while you're either beating up or making out with other boys."

Stan had seen a lot of fucked up shit in the last two years, but that was one memory that made him wish for a severe case of brain damage. "Cartman, shut the fuck up and stop bringing up stupid stuff before I kick your ass."

"We get it Stan, trying to look cool in front of your girlfriend. Sorry if I'm just pointing out what everyone is thinking anyway. If I don't say it who will?"

"No one was thinking of that." Stan looked at his lunch tray then at Cartman's food, maybe this would be the day his fat sometimes friend would finally choke to death like Kyle always wished for.

"By this point getting your ass kicked for saying stupid stuff you'd think he'd learn. Stop trying to ruin our lunch." Wendy looked at Stan again but noticed he was grumbling and dipping a tater tot awfully hard into a puddle of ketchup. Maybe she had made a mistake.

"I think you're the one ruining our lunch, Wendy." Cartman jeered.

"That's not true; you're the only one who has a problem with me being here. Right?" She looked at the other boys at the table, her eyes briefly meeting Token's before he looked away.

"Well it's just cramped with you here." Kyle said from his position perched on the edge of the bench.

"Why don't you switch to the other side of the table and sit by Cartman?" Wendy suggested while trying to make peace with Stan's best friend.

"Why don't you do that, Wendy." Kyle threw back at her.

"I wanted to sit next to Stan." Wendy scooted closer to Stan so her thigh was touching his. Stan shoved his lunch tray away and buried his face in his hands.

Butters poked his head over Stan's hunched over form. "But Wendy, Eric always sits at the end in case he has to jump up and shake the table and tell us about something."

Cartman could help but laugh at what he started as everyone else seemed to turn on Wendy. "Here we go, she's at the boy's table for five fucking seconds and she starts changing it to fit what she wants. Stan, keep your bitch in line."

Stan's head shot up again, forgetting his wish of Kyle's wish to come true. "Shut the fuck up, fatass. Let's just try to eat in peace."

"Let's." Wendy pulled out some apple slices out of her lunch bag and carefully took a bite out of one, trying not to draw any more attention to herself and Stan. She should've pulled him to the side and asked if he wanted to eat alone with her at their own table. But looking at the lunch room clock there was only fifteen more minutes until recess anyway.

She looked up again to see Cartman starting on a slice of cheesecake, his eyes going between her and Stan. Probably trying to see what else he could get away with. She didn't want to have to hit him again, but she'd do what was necessary. To his right and directly across from her Kenny was also staring, but grinning and waggling his eyebrows up and down. Wendy looked down again to make sure anything wasn't showing through her clothing. Nothing was of course; she was a very conservative dresser but still, what a pervert.

Finally the uncomfortable silence was broken by Jimmy. "You wanna hear a f-f-funny joke, W-W-Wendy?"

Well that was nice of Jimmy to attempt conversation with her when the rest of Stan's friends were glaring at her, carefully ignoring her or just blankly staring. Stan himself had been sitting very stiffly, eating his pizza very slowly and deliberately but relaxed a bit at Jimmy's ice breaker. Maybe things would be okay after all, she'd play along. "Sure, Jimmy, I'd love to hear one."

"What does a gay horse eat?"

The answer was sure to be stupid and offensive but Stan gave her an encouraging nod, she could take the bait. "What?"

"H-h-h-h-eeee. H-h-he-he-hee."

Wendy looked to Stan again who raised an eyebrow, "Just wait for it." He whispered to her.

"H-h-h-heeeeeeeey!" Jimmy stuttered in an effeminate voice.

Wendy politely chuckled. "Funny."

Jimmy gave her a crooked, braces filled grin. "Wanna hear another one W-w-w-Wendy?"

"No thank you." Wendy glanced at the lunch room clock again, eleven more minutes.

Everyone continued to eat in silence until Kenny jumped up again, his knee bumping the table causing it to shake once again. "Hey, Wendy, I have a great trick you can do. It'll be magical!"

"A magic trick? Sure." Maybe Kenny wasn't so bad if he was making an effort to be nice to her. Cartman still had that creepy grin on his face and Kyle was sullenly eating his chicken nuggets and looking in every direction but hers.

But Stan looked skeptical. "Kenny, what are you going to do?"

"Trust me Stan; you'll like this trick best of all. Does your phone have a video camera? You might want to whip it out."

On the opposite side of Token, Wendy could see Clyde get out his own phone. "Kenny, what are you going to make me do?"

"A simple magic trick! Okay, Wendy, baby. Close your eyes and pretend you're shaking salt into your mouth. If you do it fast enough you'll start to taste actual salt." Wendy hesitantly started to raise her hand but Stan grabbed it and slapped it palm down, now it was his turn to jump up at the table. "Kenny what the hell is wrong with you? That's my girlfriend, man!"

"That's why I thought you'd like it. A little preview of what's to come a few years from now."

Wendy was still confused what just happened other than Stan's right hand was still on top of hers while his left hand was hurling tater tots off his tray into Kenny's direction and cursing at him. It wasn't until she stopped staring at her boyfriend's neanderthalish behavior and looked past him at Butters on the other side of him. Eyes shut, mouth wide open with tongue out, vigorously shaking imaginary salt into his mouth, or looking like he was making a jerking off motion.

"I'm shaking as fast as I can fellas and still can't taste the salt. This trick doesn't work."

Clyde had been browsing through his phone looked up. "Shake harder, you'll taste something salty eventually."

Wendy could feel the blush travel from her neck all the way to her temples. "KENNY MCCORMICK THAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT!"

Kenny rolled his eyes and popped one of the tater tots Stan threw at him in his mouth. "No it's not. You didn't do it. Your knight in shining armor saved you, isn't that all you chicks want anyway?"

"You wouldn't know the first thing about what a real girl would want. They're just cardboard cut outs and pictures in magazines, objects for your lust. You're more sexist than Cartman is!"

Stan's hand on top of Wendy's squeezed tightly and Wendy felt her arm being pulled away from the table towards the cafeteria exit. "Stan what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to make as graceful of an exit as we can so I can keep just a shred of my dignity." He muttered through clenched teeth.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Stan, let me go." Wendy roughly shook her arm until she was free.
The two stood just outside the door leading out to the playground.

"I have to get my lunch box, excuse me." She tried to push past him but he blocked the entrance to the cafeteria.

"Wendy, for your own good do not go back in there."

"But my lunch box is important to me."

Stan took a deep breath. "I'll go back and get it. Just go out onto the playground and I'll meet you there. Okay?"

Maybe you should try backing down when you're reminded of something that hurts. Wendy hung her head down. "Okay." She said softly. Maybe she would have been better off going to the girl's bathroom to cry.

"One minute I swear." Stan left her at the door and marched back to his lunch table. Wendy's white lunch box still sat on the table; at least his friends hadn't done anything to it...yet. He would have to inspect it before he could give it back to her. He snatched it off the table as the other boys stared at him.

"Oh, you're back already." Kyle said flatly.

Stan raised his middle finger to the entire table. "Fuck you, Cartman for being an asshole. Fuck you, Kenny for being a perverted dick head. Fuck you, Butters for being really fucking stupid. Fuck you too, Kyle."

"Me? I didn't do anything to you or Wendy."

"Well you didn't help me either."

"How the hell am I supposed to help you with your girlfriend?"

"I don't know, but still, fuck you!" Stan turned on his heel and walked away.

"Damn dude. Too bad Craig's out sick. He and Stan could've had a flip off contest." Token observed as the entire table watched Stan slam the cafeteria door shut.

"With any luck she'll dump him after that. You're welcome, Kahl." Cartman said triumphantly.

"Why would that help me? If you wanted to do me a favor you'd make it so Stan would dump her."

"Ha, like that'll ever happen. Taking bets for when Stan starts wearing black again, any takers?"

"You are an asshole, Cartman." Kenny noted before he grabbed Stan's abandoned lunch tray for his leftover food.

"I have to applaud you Kenny. You were the one to get rid of her." Cartman nodded approvingly.

"I didn't want to get rid of her, man. Today was probably the best lunch I've ever had. I may take a cue from Wendy and sit at the girl's table from now on. She didn't understand the salt shaker trick, who knows what I could get away with? Are you in for tomorrow, Clyde?"

Instead of agreeing Clyde slammed down his phone and started to sob. "Bebe unfriended me on Facebook! She's never gonna take me back now!"

"Here we go, different person, same set of stupid problems. Girls are for fags." Cartman rolled his eyes as he finished off his cake.

Jimmy put his hand on his chin, deep in thought. "What I d-d-d-don't get is we're p-p-p-p-putting up with all this b-b-b-bayyy, b-b-b-b-bullshit while we're still in the fourth grade. We're not even getting p-p-p-p-ussy yet. B-b-b-believe me I've tried."

"Because." Kyle spoke up angrily. "These girls are our peers so when the time comes when they want to have sex with us you'll gain brownie points if you've been in a romantic relationship with them. If not you'll still have a better chance judging from extracurricular activities, social groups we frequent in and whatever car our parents decide to give us!"

"Do you wanna eat at the girl's table tomorrow, Kyle? I bet you could get the girls to unintentionally do some really freaky shit." Kenny smiled as he started on the pudding from Stan's tray.

"No Kenny, unlike you I have important things to worry about. Like the spelling test right after recess. Excuse me, I have to go study. For fuck's sake Clyde stop crying! Your dad owns a shoe store; you'll have a better chance of getting laid than any of us!" Kyle grabbed his notebook and stomped away from the table.

Token turned from patting Clyde on the shoulder who currently had his head buried in his arms and was sobbing quite loudly and messily. "If you want someone to go to the girl's table with you tomorrow, Kenny, I'll do it. My phone has an excellent video camera."

Jimmy raised his hand. "I-I-I'll go to."

Kenny rubbed his hands together, his grin mimicking the one Cartman usually had for Wendy or Kyle. "Excellent, we'll make quite an impression. We'll be equalizing the sexes or whatever. That's what Wendy wanted, right?"

"I'll go too you guys!" Cartman said excitedly.

"No, fatass." Kenny said, scraping the last of the pudding in the cup.

"Ay! Why the hell not?"

"Because us guys all hate you, if you're around the girls you'll only make it worse. No, fatass." Kenny said firmly.

Cartman narrowed his eyes, and then knocked over the soda on Stan's tray so it spilled all over the pizza and tater tots. "I'll still sit there tomorrow, Kinny. Whateva, I'll do what I want."


  1. Can't wait until you post the third chapter. That was my favorite one!

    1. The last chapter was everyone's favorite though I was super unsatisfied with it. This is my favorite chapter of the story since I think its really funny. Since everyone's romance obsessed they can take it as hawt implied Candy and Kendy :P (oh I guess Bunny too, I'm sorry about the last one)

  2. Damn, Kenny's awesome. Cartman and Wendy my favorite couple.