Thursday, April 19, 2012

"Cartman Rising" Chapter 3: Enemy

 South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, some sexuality, and just Cartman in general

4:01 p.m.

I walked down into my basement. I had told my mom to send everyone down there, so they should all be gathered there already.

Sure enough, there they all were. Craig and Kenny both had their feet propped up on the table. Tweek was fidgeting in his chair. Jimmy leaned on his crutches, while Timmy sat in his wheelchair, staring off into space. Stan and Wendy were sitting in adjacent chairs, holding hands. Kevin had his eyes glued on the Nintendo DS in his hands. Clyde looked bored, and was struggling to keep his eyes open, while Butters looked forward, eager to learn. Kyle's 13-year-old adopted brother, Ike Broflovski, seemed nervous, and I guess that was understandable; everyone in the room was at least four years older than him. Speaking of Kyle, he and Token were at the far end of the table, staring at me, and letting me know in no uncertain terms that their time here was time better spent somewhere else.

"Well, everyone, thank you for coming. I promise that I will make it worth your while," I began. Kyle looked doubtful, but said nothing.

"Here we are: Senior year (except for Ike, of course). Our last year together. We've all grown up together, and seen the world, and in less than a year, we will have all gone our separate ways. Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?"

"No," Craig interjected with his nasally voice. A fair number of people glared at him, so I knew that at least some of them wanted to hear what I had to say.

"My friends, I think that it is a shame that we must part," I continued. "College is no place for us. College is for people who want to have blue collar jobs, and boring lives. Those people are just cogs in the machine. But we, my friends, we can rise above it."

I looked at my audience. Some of them looked interested, and some of them just looked bored. But my eyes were fixed on Kyle. I needed to get him to speak, and I haven't pushed him far enough yet.

"I mean, look at us; we've saved the world! We saved it from Trapper Keeper. We've saved it from Saddam Hussein. We've saved it from New Jersey (no thanks to Kyle). We've saved the world from Cthulhu. We've saved it from—"

"Actually, Cartman," Kyle interrupted, "we saved the world from Cthulhu. You were trying to help Cthulhu destroy the world, and you killed lots of Jews and hippies and Justin Bieber along the way."

"Like anybody gives a crap about Justin Beiber," I spat. That's right, Kyle. You can't let me win, so you'll point out anything you can to discredit me. "But that's not important. The important thing is…they owe us. They owe us the world, and why? Because we've saved it for them, time and again.

"But will they let us have it? No, and why? I'll tell you why: because of Jewish greed." Kyle's eyes narrowed; he was going to blow soon. I went on. "The Jews in high places won't let us have what's rightfully ours, because then they'd lose all their money. The Jews control the colleges; we pay them ridiculous amounts of money for them to hand us a piece of paper and tell us to start working from the bottom up. And if we prove our way to the top by any other means, they just—"

"Oh, SHUT UP, FATASS!" Kyle finally yelled. He stood up and stared at me in disgust, too angry to let me continue uninterrupted.

I kept calm. After all, I had expected this. "Is something the matter, Kyle?"

"Yes, there is!" the Jew spluttered. "I didn't come here to listen to you spew a bunch of hate speech towards my people!"

"Well, then why did you come here, Kyle? Was it to let me know you weren't like the other Jews, and that you also wanted what was rightfully ours? Or was it because you knew I had discovered your people's secret, and were determined to prevent me from revealing it at any cost?"

"No!" he shouted. "Everything you've said is completely untrue!"

I turned to the rest of the gang. "See? He continues to deny it, but the facts are in front of all of you. We pay them to go to college, and we get hardly anything to show for it. And the worst part of it is…he'll get a good job, because he's a Jew, and Jews all believe in favoritism."

"No, fatass, I'll get the best job, because I'm smarter than you," Kyle said.

"Nuh uh," I said. "Remember all those times I got you all out of trouble?"

"Half of the time it was you that got us into trouble in the first place," said Kyle. Stan and a few others nodded in agreement. He was gaining support. I had to throw in all my chips.

"Is it right that the Jews are on top and getting all the benefits? No. In fact, it's contrary to the spirit of capitalism and freedom. People who work their way to the top have earned the right to be there. But the Jews just hoard all the money and cheat their way up. What worse, because of them, we've been denied our rightful due."

Kyle finally exploded. "You know what? Fuck it! I don't care! You go on with your delusional ranting, but I'm out!" He stood up, and tugged at his brother's arm. "Come on, Ike, we're leaving."

Ike didn't move. Kyle blankly stared at his Canadian sibling, and for a moment, I was worried he might decide to stay. But then he turned on his heels and marched up the stairs.

Good: he's finally gone. Now we can really get down to business.

"What I'm proposing is very simple, gentlemen. We are going to take over the world!"

Very surprised stares met my announcement. A few of them rolled their eyes, like they had expected me to say something like that, but the rest of them looked shocked. I went on. "You've seen this world, it's all gone to shit! The people who are actually running this place don't know what to do with it. But we do, and we've proved it, since we've shown time and time again that we're willing to put the good of the world above our own desires.

"But you heard Kyle; the Jews don't want to lose their power and their precious gold. He refused to admit it, but the truth was written all over his face; he was scared that we discovered his secret. The Jews are our enemy; they'll stop at nothing to prevent us from getting what's ours."

There were a few moments of silence, then Stan pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. "Cartman, you are so full of shit."

"Am I?" I asked. No one met my gaze, not even Stan. "I'm going to step out of this room, and I'll come back in in five minutes. In that time, you all have a choice to make. You can choose to join me, and I'll make sure that the world will remember our names. Fame, glory, power, and riches can all be yours. Or you can side with the Jews, and follow Kyle out the door. The choice is yours, but just remember; whoever is not with us is against us."

With that, I made my exit, and left them to choose their sides.

Those of you who watch that documentary series about me (what's it called…South Park?) might wonder why I hang around Kyle all the time if I hate him so much. The answer is simple: you have to always remember who your opposition is (all those who are reading with the intention of following in my footsteps, be sure to remember this point).

Some people go through their whole childhood not knowing their opposition, and thus are always lost when they become adults. I'm lucky, because Kyle is the epitome of everything that I must overcome, and so he always served as a constant reminder of my struggles. His Jewish nature causes him to selfishly hoard everything he has, and to always want more. Some people say that I'm selfish, but it's not the same; I always use what I have to trade and gain, in the spirit of capitalism and free enterprise. This is completely different from the common Jew's pack rat tendencies. Kyle's Jersey blood causes him to think he's better than everyone else, and to immediately reject any evidence to the contrary; in short, he'll never recognize how wrong he is. People say I do that, but I always keep an open mind about who I am and what I can do. I know that I'm not the skinniest person in the world; I just get aggravated when people call me fat, because it's malicious, and people who are mean just for the sake of being mean really piss me off (when I make someone suffer, I always have a reason). Finally, Kyle's red hair signifies that his soulless nature, that he is simply a zombie without mercy or compassion that consumes everything in his path. He is the Triple J: Jewish, Jersey, and Jinger (I know that's not how it's spelled, but it might as well be), and if you look closely, JJJ looks a lot like 666. Kyle is the Evil One, the Scourge of the Earth.

Now, you might say, if he's that evil, why did I invite him to take over the world? Well, I didn't. I simply needed him to illustrate to the others who we were up against. Like all radical leaders throughout history, my suggestions were met with skepticism. I needed Kyle to be there so that they could all see how necessary the steps I was taking were, so they could all clearly see my opposition. Kyle listened to my proposals, and as I predicted, he violently opposed them, and stormed off. We both made our intentions clear; all the others have to do was make their decision.

Unfortunately, many of the others had been poisoned by Kyle's Jewish lies over the years. In their case, my proposal would fall on deaf ears. I had about four people in mind who would do the right thing and follow my lead, but the rest of them would be either too stupid, too indifferent, or too Jewish to take my words to heart. Which was too bad; it would be all that much worse for them in the end.

Well, five minutes are up. I better go see who's still here.

No comments:

Post a Comment