Category: South Park
Fan Art: John-SP150
Rated T for swearing, violence, being surrounded by idiots, hawt Wendy/everyone, gratuitous ways to insert song lyrics that no one really cared about, inside jokes that no one gets but John, and my disgusting fangirling of course.
Synopsis: How many puns can you make off the name Stan Marsh? It becomes the game of the day for the boys of South Park Elementary. Stan The Man does not count, apparently.
A hand shot out from under the thick comforter and felt along the side table, slapping down on the snooze button. A shock of black hair peeked out from under the warmth of the blankets. Five more minutes and he'd get up.
Twenty minutes later, Stan peeked out from under the blankets again. Fuck. He threw the covers back over his head, and contemplated for a full thirty seconds telling his mom he was too sick to go to school. It wouldn't be that far from the truth. If he curled up enough under the blankets he could probably feel his stomach turning in on itself. But two years later, he had used the faking sick due to nausea enough times no one took it seriously anymore.
With almost inhuman effort, Stan threw off his blankets and sat up. He clasped his arms around himself; didn't anyone turn on the heaters in the mornings around here? The clock said 7:22am and if Stan wasn't out the door in three minutes he'd be stuck walking to school. Dealing with a bumpy bus ride while hungover would be barely tolerable, but walking to school hung over would be impossible. He'd pass out on the side of the road and probably suffer some kind of horrible hypothermia that may or may not lead to a 40,000+ word adventure. But faking sick with being hungover wouldn't fly either. Stan hadn't tried that one yet, but his dad never seemed to get away with it.
No time for a shower, Stan quickly changed and threw on his jacket and hat. Passing by his desk, he grabbed the report he and Kyle had due today off the printer and shoved it into his backpack. He flew down the stairs, only stopping briefly to grab a bottled water from the fridge, before tearing out the front door.
Stan turned the corner that lead to the bus stop, just in time to see the last of the students get on and the doors shut. No. He ran as fast as he could to catch up and slapped the sides of the bus and shouted for them to stop. He saw Kyle's green hat poke out of the window. The bus stopped and the doors opened.
Stan dragged himself onto the bus and gratefully slumped down next to Kyle. "Thanks, dude."
"No problem. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Stan looked away and took a swig from his water bottle. "The question is, are you okay?"
Now it was Kyle's turn to look away. "Yes."
"Are sure, because yesterday was-"
"Just drop it, Stan. Seriously." Kyle said through clenched teeth.
"Okay." Stan took another drink, hoping the water would hydrate him and not come back up. He didn't want to pry, since Kyle was being super sensitive right now. He didn't want to bring up the subject of Kyle almost dying yesterday. Not that close calls weren't out of the ordinary for the boys, but Kyle had been yanked out of harm's way and been shielded by the fat body of Eric Cartman. Maybe Stan was feeling a bit sensitive as well. Not for the homoeroticism, since only an idiot would draw that conclusion, but hearing the fight afterwards. It was no wonder Stan decided to help himself to the bar after the chaos was over. They had had their most recent adventure in Ireland after all.
Now he was feeling the after effects. Stan licked his lips, his whole body felt so dry. He'd try the water again, but decided against it. If he threw up on the floor of the bus maybe they'd let him go home early, but then he'd never hear the end of it, until someone else did something stupid.
Fourth grade alcoholic problems.
Another fourth grade problem, other than deciding if Eric Cartman would actually grow up to be gay (Kyle said no, Stan said maybe, Kenny said shut up and let's talk about gay ladies instead, who's in for Bebe?) Was homework.
Saving the world was not taken into consideration when stuff was due on Monday. All of the boys held varying GPA's. Kyle's was the best and Cartman's was the worst. Stan was in the middle, his rightful place, though he had been resenting it lately. Due to their adventures twice a week, Kyle now had a B+ and Cartman would probably have to repeat the fourth grade. Stan had his own C haunting him. He wanted to move up with Kyle, not be left behind with Cartman.
Kyle had been tired, or emotionally scarred from yesterday. Stan told him to go home and sleep, he'd take care of their homework. If Kyle thought too hard about it, Stan knew it could turn ugly. An outburst of rage, or more rare, but possibly scarier, a crippling bout of depression.
Stan would try to help by distracting him. He opened his back pack and pulled out his folder. "Here's our homework."
Kyle's eyes flicked from the window as he accepted it. "Oh thanks, knew you could do it." Kyle looked at the paper. Instead of his facial expression turning angry or sad, he looked confused. "You forgot to run this through spell check or something?"
"No I did. I thought I did. What's wrong with it?"" Both boys had done the work in a notebook but it had been Stan's to type.
"Well for one thing you forgot to capitalize your last name, and added a D at the end of your first name. This report was done by Kyle Broflovski and Stand marsh."
Kenny was sitting in the seat across from Stan and Kyle, eavesdropping on their conversation. He was trying to get information on what happened on their third part of their Irish adventure, he missed due to circumstances out of his control. He had to butt in though. "Stan Marsh. Stand marsh. Stand in a marsh. Who the fuck would want to stand in a marsh? What the hell is a marsh anyway?"
Stan put his hand on his chin, thinking for a moment. "I really don't know. I never gave it much thought. A swamp or something?"
"Somebody Google it!" Kenny said.
"No you guys don't have to." Stan's hand reaching from his chin to the middle of his face.
It was too late because Kyle had whipped out his iPhone. "According to Wikipedia, a marsh is a type of wetland that is dominated by herbaceous rather than woody plant species. Marshes can often be found at the edges of lakes and streams. They are often dominated by grasses, rushes or reeds."
Butters was behind Stan and Kyle. He got up and poked his head over the seat. "I wouldn't like standing in a marsh, fellas. You'd probably get all wet and stinky."
Stan briefly had the image in his mind of him standing in a marsh with Butters, before shoving Butters' head in the swampy water.
Stan sighed and put his hands firmly in his lap. "My first name isn't that bad."
"Well I've never known anyone under forty named Stanley." Kenny said, shrugging. "Besides you of course."
Cartman hadn't cared about the conversation until he heard the right pitch in Stan's voice that he was getting annoyed, then he had the opportunity to strike. "Haha, Stan has an old man's name! A creepy old man's name."
"Come on, there has to be someone cool named Stan. Well someone else. Look up my first name." Stan said, pointing to Kyle again.
"The first result is the Eminem song. I have it on my phone." Kyle pulled up his MP3 player program and turned the song on. "Tea's gone cold and I wonder why, I got out of bed at all..."
"Goddamn you Kyle, and your love for hip hop." Stan sighed, annoyed how the song kept repeating his name.
"You have to branch out from just stuff you hear on Guitar Hero." Kyle shrugged.
"That's a creepy song." Kenny noted.
"Well Stan's a creepy name." Cartman laughed.
Kevin Stoley poked his head up from the back seat in front of the boys. "You've never heard of someone being called a Stan? It's a term used for an obsessive fanatic."
"Oh how do you know that?" Stan snapped.
"My sister calls me a Star Wars Stan." Kevin said quickly before sitting back down again.
"Kevin, goddammit. Fine I have the same name as a slightly creepy song. What else comes up in Google?"
Kyle shut off the song and pulled up his Google search again. "Oh, you won't like this."
"Nothing can be worse than that stupid song."
"Well next hit in Google is you."
"Yeah, Stan Marsh."
"Because no one else would have a name as stupid as Stan Marsh." Cartman laughed.
"Remember that bullying video and later the ziplining video? This news article is about your jacking it in San Diego scandal." Kyle held up two fingers. "Twice."
"Ugh, no more. I don't want to see what else is stupid about my name." Stan held his head in his hands, this wasn't helping his headache.
Kyle put a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Come on, it's not all bad. We can call you Stan the man."
Stan looked up; glad Kyle was always there for him. "I guess you could."
"That doesn't count." Cartman butted in. "Stan is one of the easiest names to rhyme."
"Yeah!" Butters said excitedly. "Stan, man, can."
"It's like a scientific fact." Cartman continued.
"Ran, ban, tan, fan, plan, van.." Butters listed off.
Stan held his hands up. "Okay we get it. Can you guys shut up?"
Butters stopped rhyming. It was a real shame Stan was singled out, though his name was as silly as Butters' own name. But he could help out by changing the subject. "That school project we're doin' sure will be neato, huh?"
"What project?" Kenny asked.
"The one where we stick marshmallows together with tooth picks to make something real neat and sciency. My mom bought me marshmallows and everything." Butters opened his back pack and presented the jumbo bag of marshmallows.
Cartman grabbed the bag and ripped it open, taking a handful for himself. "This is great, Butters. There weren't enough marshmallows in my Lucky Charms this morning."
Butters put his head down. "Aw, Eric. Those were for school."
"It's a jumbo bag, Butters; you'll have plenty left over. Anyone else want some?" Cartman held out the bag. Stan and Kyle frowned at him, but Kenny took a handful.
Butters regained his smile and perked his head up again. "You're right; it is an awfully big bag. So make sure to eat only half of them, okey-doky?"
"Whatever." Cartman turned to sit down; this conversation no longer interested him.
Butters watched Cartman steal his project supplies and Stan crossing his arms grumbling to himself as he finished off his water. Finally Butters piped up again. "You know what else is real funny about the last name Marsh?"
"Oh god." Stan face palmed.
Cartman turned back to the group, a smile on his face. "Go on Butters, I'd love to hear it."
"It kinda sounds like marshmallow." Butters let out a little giggle.
Cartman burst out laughing with his mouth full. "Stan Marshmallow. That's perfect."
"Well your name sounds like butterscotch." Stan shot back.
"Then you two deserve each other. Two sweet dessert names to show off what pussies you are." Cartman stood up on his seat and cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hey everyone, we're calling Stan, Marshmallow from now on."
The bag of marshmallows had dropped on the floor as Butters bent down to pick them up. The bus hit a bump causing Butters to smack his head on the metal bottom of the seat. He cringed looked up expectantly for someone to make fun of him.
Instead Cartman patted Butters on the back. "This is the best thing you've ever come up with. You might be on your way to impressing me one day."
"Neato!" Butters smiled as he rubbed his head. He started a trend. This was his first step to being accepted if he could keep being super creative.
The bus finally arrived at school. The other kids were chanting "Marshmallow Marshmallow" as Stan had his hand over his face as he got off the bus.
Butters had to remain being popular with the guys. He felt kinda bad for poor Stan but he had Kyle to comfort him and stuff. Butters had a new goal today. To keep being one of the fellas, he had to top himself with a better pun off Stan's name.
Butters put his thinking cap on, as he hugged the bag of marshmallows to his chest. He looked up to see the bus was now completely empty, and the school bell was ringing. Oh hamburgers! He didn't want to be left behind and end up at the smelly place where they kept the school busses. Last time he did that his parents had grounded him.