Authors: John-SP150 and NoseBridgePinch
Fan Art: John-SP150
Rated T for swearing, violence, perversion on Kenny's part and underage drinking on Stan's part.
Synopsis: The Marsh family is having a reunion for the holiday. Stan's realitives are causing him a great deal of worry. In additon to dealing with his parents, sister, grandfather, Uncle Jimbo and Ned, Stan must also deal with his Uncle Dean, Aunt Joanne and cousin Stephanie. Hopefully Kenny can help ease things, right?
Note: This story is now 100% complete and posted on John's FFnet profile. Go comment on it!
Kyle continued to brush himself off as he got out of the car, "Wow, Marvin, I had no idea you were the leader of all Marklar. Sucks those stupid Pilgrims and Indians keep screwing with your planet though. But at least that wormhole means we can see you more often." Kyle noted, "Thanks for taking me riding through the galaxy though, by the way, even if we did get into a military dogfight... really need to find a way to change the radio station on there." Marvin shrugged.
"Zepronanner!" Ike caught up to his brother and his friend as their parents neared the Marsh family front door,
"Gerald, be very careful with that stuffing now, we don't want to lose it, you know how the stuffing prices have gone up this year." Sheila said sternly.
"Oh, relax, Sheila, the price didn't go up that much. It'll be fine." Gerald rolled his eyes, "It's just stuffing, anyhow. Randy made some didn't he?"
"Yes, but this is my mother's traditional family recipe, since the right to have stuffing was almost taken from us it would be a shame to waste all the effort into making it. Besides you remember the last time Randy and Sharon hosted a dinner party." Sheila gave her husband a knowing look, glancing down at the children following them, hoping they didn't pick up anything in her tone.
"Of course, dear." Gerald said automatically. "You just didn't have to make so much. Here Kyle, help your brother take this in."
Kyle said nothing as a bowl was placed in his hands, funny how his parents could be wrapped up in their own world that they would never believe the adventure he just had. Stan had been flaky all day, only answering his texts when the subject turned to his complaining about... something. Kenny and his football team not winning or something. Oh well, he'd be happy to hear Kyle's entire adventure in person.
"I swear to Abraham, Gerald, don't embarrass me today."
"Embarrass you, Sheila? What could I possibly do on Thanksgiving?"
"Don't the Marshes have a cat?" Sheila asked.
"Oh, so you're going to bring that up." Gerald rolled his eyes with frustration.
Kyle sighed, if he made his presence known his parents would stop, some new technique on not showing their marriage problems in front of three kids. "Dog, Ma, the marshes have a dog."
"Oh that's fine then, Bubbe. You're such a good boy; want to ring the door bell?"
"Fine." Kyle rolled his eyes like his father and reached up to ring the bell, annoyed his mother would switch her moods so easily between yelling at his dad to babying him. He was almost ten for fuck's sake.
The door opened and the Broflovski family was met with a very pissed off looking Stan, large bruise spread across his nose and eyes. "Happy Thanksgiving." Stan grumbled. The rest of the Broflovski family returned the greeting and shuffled past but Kyle held back. Stan looked like he needed him. Talking about his and Marvin's space adventure could wait.
"Damn, dude, Shelly got you again?"
"No, Kenny."
"What the hell? Kenny?" Kyle said, confused, "Dude, why's Kenny trying to beat you up? There's no way that was just an accident."
"Oh, he's after every female member of my family, and decided to try to impress my cousin who hates me by trying to kill me during a game of football." Stan replied bluntly, "What have you been up to?"
"We'll talk about that later. Dude, Kenny attacked you for your cousin? What, does she have big, um, a good figure or something? Why's Kenny after her so much?"
"Well, I was hoping we could cheer her up because her parents are psychos and using me like some kind of fucked-up chew toy." Stan shook his head, "They make me parents, Shelly, Grandpa, Jimbo and Ned look pretty cool in comparison, I swear to God.." he tried to nosebridgepinch, "Goddamnit, ow!"
"Sorry, dude, not sure if it'll cheer you up but have I got a story for you. Remember after we said goodbye and I took Marvin home? Turns out-" The doorbell interrupted Kyle.
"Hold on dude." Stan answered the door again to Liane and Eric Cartman. "Hi, Happy Thanksgiving." He said quickly.
Cartman took one look at Stan and busted out laughing.
"Oh my God, Stan, you look like so fucking stupid... Mom, are you seeing this? Mom? MOM!" Cartman tugged his mother down to look at Stan, "Doesn't Stan look stupid?" Cartman laughed quite loudly, not holding back. Liane laughed a few times as well, although half-heartedly.
"Hey Cartman, leave Stan alone, it's not his fault Kenny's being an asshole!"
"Pfft, Kenny did that? Wow Stan, you take karate lessons and the poorest kid in school can beat you up?" Cartman continued to laugh, "Maybe you should get a karate teacher who actually teaches fighting and not just wisdom-y bullshit!"
"We have the same karate teacher, fatass!" Stan said angrily. Liane opened her mouth, then closed it, since poopieskins had everything under control.
"Stan, the fact is Kenny beat you up, and you look even more like a pansy than usual." Cartman said, "God, this is even stupider than when your sister gives you a fucking bloody nose."
"Eric, watch your language, remember what Mr. Mackey said? You don't want to have to see a psychologist now, do you?" Liane put her hands on her hips.
"Ugh, fine, Mam. Lemme revise that..." Cartman cleared his throat; "God, this is even stupider than when your sister gives you a freakin' bloody nose." he turned to his mother, "Is that better?"
"Well... it'll do." Liane shrugged, "You run along, Poopsiekins and play nicely with your friends, okey-dokey?" she smiled, "Oh, um, Stanley, where do your parents want me to bring in the food? I tried to cook as much as I could to help out with the big feast for everyone; it's so generous of your parents to have so many families over!"
"In the kitchen, Mrs. Cartman." Stan pointed back past the living room.
Kyle gritted his teeth. How could Stan stay so cool when Kyle wanted to give that fat asshole a bloody nose himself? He frowned when he saw Stan lean into Cartman,
"Thank God you're here dude; I wanted to introduce you to someone. Keep it up, I need your help."
Liane went back to the car to get all of the food out of the back as the boys continued to talk, "I still can't believe you need my help. Who do you want to introduce me to? I already know your stupid family. The two gun lovers, your stupid dad, your mom and tits, your grandpa with no memory, your evil sister..."
"You haven't met Uncle Dean, Aunt Joanne or Cousin Stephanie yet." Stan said, "They're nightmares. My uncle is some kind of cross-dressing football-obsessive Historian, my aunt thinks she's my mother, and my cousin is some kind of cynical asshole... huh... but yeah!"
"Fine give me twenty dollars and I'll do it."
Stan's eyes shifted from Kyle whose mouth was open in shock to Cartman who was holding out his hand expectantly. He would never actually give into his sociopathic friend but this seemed as good as an opportunity as any. "Come up to my room, Fatass and I'll get it."
"Stan, I can't believe you'll actually do that. Cartman, why don't you just fuck off and leave Stan alone?"
"Oh, sorry if I'm offering my services to my friend. I know I'm worth a good price. Even Stan knows that."
"Yeah Kyle, I'm going along since I'm such a pussy, remember." Stan smirked as his friend as he headed up to his bedroom, a temper tantrum in front of Aunt Joanne and maybe she'd fuck off. "This way, guys!"
He opened his bedroom door to see his aunt had disappeared but had laid out what he assumed was clothing for him to wear for dinner, the same sweater his parents got him for the brief time the Marsh family converted to being Mormon and the slacks his mom got him to wear to church.
"Pft, Stan, you lay out your clothes in advance? Fag!" Cartman began to laugh again.
"Ugh, I thought my aunt would be up here, but she decided to finally fuck off. How convenient." Stan sighed, rubbing his nose again lightly, since a pinch would hurt it.
Kyle slapped Stan's hand away from his face. "Stop that, I know that's a habit of yours but you'll only irritate your injury more if you keep doing that."
"Goddamnit, Stan, stop wasting my time. Give me my money and show me your stupid relatives so I can get this over with and enjoy some fucking food." Cartman's time was valuable, and it was being wasted on lesser begins yet again.
This was working out better than expected, Stan just needed an audience. "Hey, hey, hold on Cartman. I need to find my aunt first, okay? Calm down." Stan crossed his arms. God was Cartman an impatient asshole sometimes.
"No, I will not calm down! Goddamnit, I am putting myself out for you, Stan, and so far, I am not getting any collateral, okay?"
"Just...follow me. You too, Kyle." Stan headed back into the hall, looking for his aunt.
"Ugh, fine." Cartman sighed, crossing his arms and following Stan reluctantly.
Stan almost tiptoed past Shelly and Stephanie's room and knocked softly on the guest room. He waited a few moments with his friends behind him; they must think he was acting crazy by now. "Come on, guys let's try the kitchen." Stan started down the stairs when his mom rushed by, a large brown stain all over her shirt and cooking apron, not surprisingly Kenny was right behind her.
"What the hell happened to your mom, Stan?" Cartman said, getting an eyeful.
Stan grabbed Kenny by the sleeve as he passed the group on the stairs and waited until his mom slammed her bedroom door shut before he confronted him. "Kenny, what did you do?"
"Absolutely nothing." Kenny swore, "Your mom was just distracted at the best possible time, but she spilled it on herself, honest! She just needs to pay better attention to what she's doing instead of cute fourth graders." When it came to boobs, Kenny was a master of manipulation.
"Yeah, it was all my mom's fault, of course. Kenny either stay with me and the rest of the group the rest of the day or just leave my house, I mean it."
Kenny crossed his arms, "I dunno, Stan, I don't benefit from this plan much. You're gonna need to put something in it for me."
"I already owe Cartman twenty bucks; I don't know what I could give you."
"Hmm... how about one of your mom's bras?" Kenny suggested, hopping with excitement. Kenny was a kid who knew what he wanted.
"Twenty dollars to Fatass, one of my mom's...ugh bras to you. Do you want something Kyle?" Stan started to raise his hand again for a nosebridgepinch, but Kyle slapped it down again.
"Don't give me anything; just stop doing that, okay?"
Stan put his arms down and pointed to his mom's closed bedroom door. "When she comes out, you have one minute in there and I don't want to see anything. Then after that we have a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner."
Kenny hugged Stan tightly, "Oh man, dude, you're the best bro a guy could ask for." Cartman began laughing his ass off, appropriately enough.
Stan rolled his eyes and pushed his friend off him. Sharon came out of her bedroom a moment later in a different shirt. "I've got to be more careful, you too, Kenny. You could have been severely burned." She smiled and patted the hooded boy on the head.
Stan wanted to puke at the smug smile on Kenny's face his friend hugged his mom around the waist but kept his own arms firmly at his sides remembering his promise to Kyle. "Don't you have to cook some more, Mom?"
"We're just about done, Stanley. I told you to keep an eye on the door when people arrive. You never listen." She scolded as Kenny let go and she headed downstairs.
"So now what?" Kyle asked, confused, wondering what all this strange suspense he'd seemed to have missed out on was building up towards.
"Kyle, you go downstairs and keep an eye on the adults, Starvin Marvin, and the door. Me and Cartman have to go look for Aunt Joanne... hey, maybe she's visiting Grandpa, he's barely left the guest room all day!" Stan suggested - the room was across from his parents' room, so he could keep a good eye out anyway. Kyle rolled his eyes,
"Fine, Stan." He walked downstairs with a small sigh.
"Fuck, we have to talk to your stupid grandpa, too? Goddamnit Stan, you're going to owe me big time for this one." Stan shushed him and approached the guest room, knocking,
"Grandpa? Grandpa, are you in there?"
"Billy, is that you? Billy?" he heard his Grandpa's voice and opened the door to see the old man watching television, "See that, Billy? That's Okinawa, I served there back in the fifties!" he said proudly.
"Grandpa, you were in the Royal Air Force, not a soldier, and you flew spitfires over Germany, you weren't on the Pacific front or anything. Besides, that's a Godzilla movie... and for the last time, it's Stan, dammit!" Cartman laughed at Stan's expense once again. "Oh my God, I'm starting to sound just like Uncle Dean... fuck."
"Billy, now what did I tell you about using language like that?" Grandpa said sternly, "Wait... really, what did I tell you? I can't remember... my head hurts..." Marvin Marsh rubbed his forehead in pain.
Stan was already well used to being constantly annoyed with his family but with his grandfather there was always the added bonus of guilt in the mix. He had no fight left in him when it came to his grandfather since as much as it bothered him to be called the wrong name or being asked to assist in suicide he'd always try to solve the problem objectively in his own way, since if he left it to his dad, well it would be way worse. Cartman following him wouldn't be much help either.
"Dinner's starting soon, Grandpa. It's Thanksgiving and we have company."
"Yeah, you can kill yourself afterwards, that way when you die we can call this your Last Supper." Cartman chuckled.
"Dude!" Stan elbowed his fat friend in the ribs. "You're not helping. You want to see if I can bring you anything Grandpa? I'll come get you when we start eating."
"Billy, if you really wanted to do me a favor you'd get your father's gun for Grandpa."
Stan sighed and changed the channel on his Grandpa's TV to the football game to hopefully get his mind off any wars he may have served in. He dragged Cartman out to the hall. "If you're going to do that kind of stuff do it to my Aunt Joanne. My Grandpa just has to get the idea in his head and he won't shut up about suicide for hours. I've had enough problems today."
"Oh relax, Stan, you pussy hippie, everything'll be fine, your Grandpa couldn't kill himself if he had the freakin' gun barrel in his mouth." Cartman laughed again, rolls of fat jiggling, "I doubt you even have a dumb Aunt Joanne - you're probably making it up to keep me from picking on your family."
"I wouldn't have a problem if you told Aunt Joanne to kill herself." Stan said, remembering the drama in the hall. He noticed from his view in the hall his parent's bedroom door was still closed. Oh goddammit, he almost forgot about Kenny. Stan pushed open the door to find his mother's underwear drawer wide open, a pile of panties and bras, all lacy and in every color of the rainbow, resting in the middle of the floor, looking like it had been rolled in. Kenny however had relocated himself to a window, still holding a couple bras in one hand. He must have had difficulty making a selection.
Stan squeezed his eyes shut and tried to count to ten in his mind. Just...his mom's underwear scattered all over the place, no boy ever wanted to see that. "What the fuck? I said one bra and one minute. You blew your chance. Just...fucking clean it up." as he turned to look away.
"Damn, dude, your mom has kinky taste in underwear. Who knew? She dresses so conservatively." Cartman smirked.
Stan punched Cartman in the shoulder and left the room. He could care less at this point if Kenny got in trouble or whatever comments Cartman had to say. His last cool friend was Kyle; he just needed to hang out with Kyle now.
"I was having trouble making a decision, fucking relax." Kenny replied as he quickly and neatly folded everything back in the drawer, except the last two bras, looking to Cartman, "Dude, Stan won't be any good advice here. Should I take the lacier dark blue one, or the skimpier pink one? The pink one's kind of boring but it shows more cleavage, but the dark blue one is so much lacier... Goddamnit, making choices is hard!"
"Kenny, you are such a fucking fag." Cartman shook his head, "Just pick one and let's go already, God."
"Damnit, one of you guys has to help me make a choice here." Kenny sounded like a whiny kid, albeit one in the world's greatest candy store, "Dark blue or pink?"
"Just take the one you'd rather jack it with you freakin' homo." Cartman crossed his arms. Kenny shrugged and tossed away the pink one, tucking the dark blue one away. "Fag."
Once Stan left the room, Kenny pocketed the pink bra as well, as well as a couple of other favorites from the drawer before closing it. Having a huge parka coat could have its benefits. He closed the drawer carefully. Phew. Just as he was about to leave he heard a shrill, loud scream and looked out the window.
Meanwhile, Stan poked his head into his Grandpa's room one last time to see he had dozed off. Good, he hadn't heard any of that. He continued down the stairs to find Kyle, Ike and Marvin sitting on the Marsh family couch with Cousin Stephanie. He looked down on them from midway down the stairs; if Stephanie hated him she'd probably hate Kyle as well.
"So you must be Stephanie. I'm Kyle Broflovski, I live down the street." Kyle introduced himself.
To get through today Stephanie had brought in the heavy duty reading, she had a hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with her today. It was her favorite and she'd need it to ignore everyone. Another one of her stupid cousin's friends was trying to talk nice to her, her eyes flicked up briefly to this new guy. Suddenly the writing of JK Rowling was lost on her, chocolate brown eyes, a few twisty auburn curls poking out from under a rather unique hat, a pearly white smile, and suddenly the book in her hands was meaningless, "Oh, um, hi..." she put a few fingers to her hair, blushing.
Kyle didn't understand why when he talked to girls his age their faces would flush and they never had anything interesting to say. Maybe she was hungry or maybe she needed glasses to be able to read her book properly. Kyle leaned across her lap to switch on the table lamp. "Is that better? Ooh, I like that book too, is it your first time reading it? How far in are you? Did you get to the part where Harry fights off the Dementors yet? Those things are so creepy!"
Stephanie regained her composure, she loved discussing books in depth with intelligent people, she never got to talk Harry Potter with a guy this cute before. "I'm almost done with it, actually. Second full read-through of the series. Barely had time to touch them since they ended a couple years back. Azkaban's definitely one of my favorites though. Sirius is a wonderful character."
"Yeah, everyone seems to like him." Of course the girls liked him, but still, Kyle still liked the character, "Shame he had to die though."
"Heh, watch who you say that in front of, you don't want to spoil it for anybody." Stephanie chuckled.
"Oh my brother, Ike reads them too; he's a genius you know. Hey Marvin do they have Harry Potter on Marklar?"
Stan was sitting down in the middle of the stairs, eavesdropping on the conversation. For the second time this weekend not being into Harry Potter was screwing him over once again.
Suddenly there were voices from outside: "Oh, and here we go again! Maybe if you could keep a fuckin' job, Stuart, I wouldn't berate you for being a lazy ass piece of shit in front of the kids!"
Kevin's voice piped in: "Hey, is this chocolate or dog shit?"
"Kevin, don't eat that you stupid dumbass." Stuart reprimanded his son before turning back to his wife, "Oh, it's my fault you're an ugly skank now?"
"I ain't no ugly skank! Fer your information, you're lucky I even married your sorry ass to begin with!"
"Oh, can the crap you stupid bitch!" Stuart called out, "All you care about is money, you know that? That's all it is with you!"
"If all I cared about was money, I'd have married some dumb hack, not some dumb hick!" The sound of a slap, "Now how about you just ring the fuckin' doorbell?"
"Why don't you make Karen do it? It's not like she's useful for much else!"
"And there you go, bringing the kids into it! D'you know how fuckin' low that is? You're so terrible at fightin' you have to use the kids like fuckin' pawns!"
Finally there was a knock and then came horribly off-key singing that sounded less like singing and more like a mentally retarded child trying to string words together, "Ding dong, let us in, ding dong, let us in. Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving! Can we eat now?"
"...awh, do we have to answer that?" asked Uncle Dean, "I don't like where this is going at all."
"It's only polite." Sheila Broflovski said, snatching the key from Sharon's hand, "Let me get that for you, Sharon dear." Despite her husband's silent protest at seeing his ex-best friend, Sheila moved forward and unlocked the door, "Stuart, um, and family, Happy Thanksgiving, we're so glad to see you!"
Suddenly all was forgotten between the parents, "Oh, hi Sheila. We brought over a few cans of creamed corn and some Pabst Blue Ribbon... we didn't have much around the house, heh." Stuart explained.
"I was gonna cook some stew but then I forgot the stove's been broken since 'ninety seven." Carol explained, "Besides, we don't have a can opener."
"I-I told ya if we pressed the ringy thing they'd let us in, it always works!" Kevin shook his fists with glee and grinned, "Hiya Mr. Marsh, Mrs. Marsh, Mr. Broslofski, Mrs. Broflowski, Mrs. Playboy Lady, uh... I don't know any adults else here... dang... oh, hiya, poofball hat kid! Hiya, Canadian kid! Hiya, Russian sombrero kid! Hiya, fat kid, and 'course hiya Shelly!"
"Kevin, shut the hell up." Stuart commanded his son, rolling his eyes. Goddamnit.
"Oh, is that little Karen? Awh, the poor little dear, she's adorable. Why don't you bring her around more often?" Sharon said as she noticed the little girl at her parents' feet, holding tightly onto a doll.
"Oh, don't mind her, she's shy." Carol explained.
Stan got up to greet the new guests since answering the door had always been his job when he was practically pushed out of the way and knocked against the banister as Kenny hurried by to greet his family.
"Mom, Dad, Karen, Kevin!" Kenny stopped and greeted, "I was wondering when you'd finally get your asses over here." he replied with an almost shocking amount of cheer. Kenny usually showed distaste for his family, but maybe he was just in a really good mood. He scooped up his little sister in his arms and she nuzzled into his jacket, hugging him tightly. Stuart patted his son on the head proudly,
"Been having fun with your Uncle Jimbo's family?" Stuart said with a chuckle. It seemed the entire McCormick family had accepted Jimbo into their fold. Kenny nodded,
"Yeah, it's been totally awesome." Kenny replied, "I got to try all sorts of food you guys probably haven't had since... um... what year was the Peanut Guy elected President?"
"Mm, Jimmy Carter beat Gerald R. Ford in the 1976 Presidential Election." Ned reported from the sidelines.
"Yeah, since then!" Kevin shook his fists, hugging on to his siblings. Stuart and Carol actually smiled at each other,
"Ain't that jus' the sweetest dang thing, Stu?" Carol smiled. Stuart put an arm around her with a nod, "The kids are all bondin' like real siblings, like me and my sisters way back in the day..."
He got back up to be knocked down again as Cartman stood behind him and laughed, Stan's face was now pressed against the banister and he had a damn good view of Stephanie and Kyle looking like they were having a goddamn ball.
"What are you jealous or something?" He heard Cartman above him.
Rule number one, never tell Cartman what you're really feeling, especially when he can use it against you later. "Nah this feels good on my face, see?"
"Whatever, I'm getting bored and your Xbox controller was dead. Do something entertaining until your dad gets too drunk or we can eat or they start the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special so I can see how they fucked it up this year."
"Cartman, shut the fuck up." Stan started to get up when Aunt Joanne walked through the group at the front door with a bag of groceries in her hand. She dropped them immediately into Sharon's arms and walked up the stairs.
"My goodness, Stanley. Did you fall again? Sharon, why weren't you watching him?"
Sharon was halfway into the kitchen when she immediately turned around marching towards the stairs again. Not again. "No, no Aunt Joanne, it feels good on my face, I told Fatass that already."
Sharon stopped and saw her son seemed to have it under control and went back into the kitchen.
"Stanley, don't you know making fun of another child's physical appearance is very psychologically damaging? Your friend can have mistrust and food issues his entire adult life."
"Yeah and I'm not fat I'm big boned anyway. Does the wood feel good against your broken nose Stan? Let me help you." Cartman smacked Stan in the back of the head causing his face to rub against the banister. Stan would probably jump up and shove Cartman down the stairs and Aunt Joanne after him but this was good, Aunt Joanne would probably hate this.
"Oh that's good, help little Stanley. He doesn't know any better. What's your name young man?"
"Eric Theodore Cartman, Ma'am."
"Oh I've heard a lot about you, Stanley said he was your best friend."
Cartman put on his best smirk, "Oh, hello there, Ma'am, you must be Stan's Aunt Joanne!" he said politely, before his voice returned to normal, "'sup bitch? You aren't Jewish by any chance are you? I've heard so much about you, but Stan always leave out such important information." Cartman shook his head, "How old are you? You look like... I dunno, fifties? Say, how much do you weigh? I bet it's a lot." Cartman gave Stan a wink to show he was being a true asshole. Stan would facepalm if his face wasn't pressed up against the wood and Aunt Joanne's eyes widened.
"Eric, exactly how close are you and Stanley?"
"Oh, we're best buddies. We've been through everything together." Cartman grinned fakely, "I mean, pft, like uh, we flooded Beavertown, that was cool! And we did a music video together, and this one time, in the third grade, he was super cool and told his girlfriend to make out with me! Did I mention the time we pretended my ass was his mam's tits?" Stan contemplated suicide for several moments as Joanne covered her mouth,
"Stanley, Eric, I didn't... I..." Joanne got on her knees and put her hands on Cartman's shoulders, "Eric, look, it's... perfectly okay to be... having these kinds of feelings. There's nothing wrong with it, no matter what anyone tells you. It's perfectly natural to have feelings for your best friend, okay? I had feelings for my best friend in college and now I married him." Stan was ready to murder his aunt now, "And if anyone tries to tell you to go to hell or anything like that, just remember, a lot of famous and talented people were gay."
"Pft, like who?" Cartman crossed his arms.
"Leonardo Da Vinci, Freddie Mercury... um... Neil Patrick Harris." Joanne stood up, "I think I've made my point clear."
Stan finally pulled himself up and was stuck between Joanne and Cartman. "Aunt Joanne I am not gay, especially for someone like Cartman."
"You're standing awfully close to him and you body language says otherwise."
Stan gagged and promptly shoved Cartman away from him and walked back up to his room. He better not get too close to Kyle because god knows what mental gymnastics Aunt Joanne would come up with to pair them.
"Eh! What was that for you pussy! I was trying to help you!"
"It's okay Eric, unrequited love is a subject I have an interest in if you ever wanted to discuss it before the day is through. Or you can make an appointment at my office in Denver."
"You're not the first to tell me I need psychological help but it's not my fault. It's Stan's. He said he'd give me twenty bucks and now he's not! I should go tell my mam on him."
Joanne turned around and called out to her husband. "Dean give this boy some money to make up for our nephew's bad behavior!"
Uncle Dean came up and pulled out his wallet. "Would $50 cover it young man?"
Cartman held out his hand. "I'm a tad psychologically damaged from my unrequested love. Better make it $100."
Stan rushed into his room, slamming the door behind him. He stood still for a bit, feeling the blood rush to his ears as he gritted his teeth. He jumped onto his unmade bed and threw the clothes laid out for him onto the floor, punching his pillow before throwing that on the floor as well, the blankets were next and he was about to go for the sheets when he heard his door open and Kenny was there with his entire family behind him, all of them looking extremely confused.
"Um are we interrupting something here? Making a love nest for you and fatass?"
'Shut up, Kenny. What the hell are you and your family doing in my room?"
"We were told there wasn't enough room at the table so we're supposed to eat in here." Stuart explained, "We just wanted to get a feel for the place, y'know?"
"It's nicer than eating on that crappy wooden table at home!" Kenny grinned, pushing past Stan and flopping on his bed. Kevin joined him, jumping up and down on the bed and grinning. Karen went up and took a pillow, "Hey what's that for?"
"I thought I'd try to make a fort." Karen suggested, "Um, that's okay, right?" her heart quickly sank down.
"Hey, hey, no, there's toys for you, Kare." Kenny hopped off the bed and went towards the pile of toys from Aunt Joanne and Uncle Dean, including the pony, and the Barbie, and the skirt, "See?"
"Ooh, a pony! I always wanted a pony!" Karen hugged it tightly, smiling. Kenny patted her on the back. Stuart and Carol, meanwhile, were hypnotically staring at the bed.
"My, that bed is... awful bouncy..." Carol said quietly. She and Stuart exchanged looks for a moment. "Wonder how much weight it can hold..." she winked at him. Kevin hopped off the bed,
"Hey, poofball hat kid, ain't your sister that Shelly Marsh girl?" Kevin said.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, you are not going to hit on my sister." Stan crossed his arms, "Larry's dead, Amir's states away, and Skyler was a paedophile. My sister's had enough trouble, okay?"
"God, sorry, I asked... hey, is that her skirt?" Kevin ran over by Karen and pulled out the skirt, "Man, heheh, she'd look awful purdy in this one." he grinned.
"Dude, let's get her to try it on." Kenny smirked, "'cause you know what I got?" he pulled out the Polaroid camera and shook it in Kevin's face, the older brother snatching it, "Hey, wow, you got some pictures of a super hot chick earlier... but her boobs are kinda saggy."
Stuart and Carol sat on the bed, Stan getting off it immediately as he saw Kenny's father put an arm around his wife and pull her close. Someone needed to remind Stan to burn his sheets later.
Stan backed into a corner of his own bedroom as Kenny's parents started kissing on his bed; Karen grabbed the toys and followed her brothers out into the hall. He almost tripped on a box near the front of his door and noticed a fresh case of beer. Pabst Blue Ribbon? Sounded fancy. Out of options and sanity he grabbed a can and decided he wouldn't feel like a total alcoholic if he at least gave some to Grandpa as well.
Better solution that his father's gun, for both of them.
Kyle continued to brush himself off as he got out of the car, "Wow, Marvin, I had no idea you were the leader of all Marklar. Sucks those stupid Pilgrims and Indians keep screwing with your planet though. But at least that wormhole means we can see you more often." Kyle noted, "Thanks for taking me riding through the galaxy though, by the way, even if we did get into a military dogfight... really need to find a way to change the radio station on there." Marvin shrugged.
"Zepronanner!" Ike caught up to his brother and his friend as their parents neared the Marsh family front door,
"Gerald, be very careful with that stuffing now, we don't want to lose it, you know how the stuffing prices have gone up this year." Sheila said sternly.
"Oh, relax, Sheila, the price didn't go up that much. It'll be fine." Gerald rolled his eyes, "It's just stuffing, anyhow. Randy made some didn't he?"
"Yes, but this is my mother's traditional family recipe, since the right to have stuffing was almost taken from us it would be a shame to waste all the effort into making it. Besides you remember the last time Randy and Sharon hosted a dinner party." Sheila gave her husband a knowing look, glancing down at the children following them, hoping they didn't pick up anything in her tone.
"Of course, dear." Gerald said automatically. "You just didn't have to make so much. Here Kyle, help your brother take this in."
Kyle said nothing as a bowl was placed in his hands, funny how his parents could be wrapped up in their own world that they would never believe the adventure he just had. Stan had been flaky all day, only answering his texts when the subject turned to his complaining about... something. Kenny and his football team not winning or something. Oh well, he'd be happy to hear Kyle's entire adventure in person.
"I swear to Abraham, Gerald, don't embarrass me today."
"Embarrass you, Sheila? What could I possibly do on Thanksgiving?"
"Don't the Marshes have a cat?" Sheila asked.
"Oh, so you're going to bring that up." Gerald rolled his eyes with frustration.
Kyle sighed, if he made his presence known his parents would stop, some new technique on not showing their marriage problems in front of three kids. "Dog, Ma, the marshes have a dog."
"Oh that's fine then, Bubbe. You're such a good boy; want to ring the door bell?"
"Fine." Kyle rolled his eyes like his father and reached up to ring the bell, annoyed his mother would switch her moods so easily between yelling at his dad to babying him. He was almost ten for fuck's sake.
The door opened and the Broflovski family was met with a very pissed off looking Stan, large bruise spread across his nose and eyes. "Happy Thanksgiving." Stan grumbled. The rest of the Broflovski family returned the greeting and shuffled past but Kyle held back. Stan looked like he needed him. Talking about his and Marvin's space adventure could wait.
"Damn, dude, Shelly got you again?"
"No, Kenny."
"What the hell? Kenny?" Kyle said, confused, "Dude, why's Kenny trying to beat you up? There's no way that was just an accident."
"Oh, he's after every female member of my family, and decided to try to impress my cousin who hates me by trying to kill me during a game of football." Stan replied bluntly, "What have you been up to?"
"We'll talk about that later. Dude, Kenny attacked you for your cousin? What, does she have big, um, a good figure or something? Why's Kenny after her so much?"
"Well, I was hoping we could cheer her up because her parents are psychos and using me like some kind of fucked-up chew toy." Stan shook his head, "They make me parents, Shelly, Grandpa, Jimbo and Ned look pretty cool in comparison, I swear to God.." he tried to nosebridgepinch, "Goddamnit, ow!"
"Sorry, dude, not sure if it'll cheer you up but have I got a story for you. Remember after we said goodbye and I took Marvin home? Turns out-" The doorbell interrupted Kyle.
"Hold on dude." Stan answered the door again to Liane and Eric Cartman. "Hi, Happy Thanksgiving." He said quickly.
Cartman took one look at Stan and busted out laughing.
"Oh my God, Stan, you look like so fucking stupid... Mom, are you seeing this? Mom? MOM!" Cartman tugged his mother down to look at Stan, "Doesn't Stan look stupid?" Cartman laughed quite loudly, not holding back. Liane laughed a few times as well, although half-heartedly.
"Hey Cartman, leave Stan alone, it's not his fault Kenny's being an asshole!"
"Pfft, Kenny did that? Wow Stan, you take karate lessons and the poorest kid in school can beat you up?" Cartman continued to laugh, "Maybe you should get a karate teacher who actually teaches fighting and not just wisdom-y bullshit!"
"We have the same karate teacher, fatass!" Stan said angrily. Liane opened her mouth, then closed it, since poopieskins had everything under control.
"Stan, the fact is Kenny beat you up, and you look even more like a pansy than usual." Cartman said, "God, this is even stupider than when your sister gives you a fucking bloody nose."
"Eric, watch your language, remember what Mr. Mackey said? You don't want to have to see a psychologist now, do you?" Liane put her hands on her hips.
"Ugh, fine, Mam. Lemme revise that..." Cartman cleared his throat; "God, this is even stupider than when your sister gives you a freakin' bloody nose." he turned to his mother, "Is that better?"
"Well... it'll do." Liane shrugged, "You run along, Poopsiekins and play nicely with your friends, okey-dokey?" she smiled, "Oh, um, Stanley, where do your parents want me to bring in the food? I tried to cook as much as I could to help out with the big feast for everyone; it's so generous of your parents to have so many families over!"
"In the kitchen, Mrs. Cartman." Stan pointed back past the living room.
Kyle gritted his teeth. How could Stan stay so cool when Kyle wanted to give that fat asshole a bloody nose himself? He frowned when he saw Stan lean into Cartman,
"Thank God you're here dude; I wanted to introduce you to someone. Keep it up, I need your help."
Liane went back to the car to get all of the food out of the back as the boys continued to talk, "I still can't believe you need my help. Who do you want to introduce me to? I already know your stupid family. The two gun lovers, your stupid dad, your mom and tits, your grandpa with no memory, your evil sister..."
"You haven't met Uncle Dean, Aunt Joanne or Cousin Stephanie yet." Stan said, "They're nightmares. My uncle is some kind of cross-dressing football-obsessive Historian, my aunt thinks she's my mother, and my cousin is some kind of cynical asshole... huh... but yeah!"
"Fine give me twenty dollars and I'll do it."
Stan's eyes shifted from Kyle whose mouth was open in shock to Cartman who was holding out his hand expectantly. He would never actually give into his sociopathic friend but this seemed as good as an opportunity as any. "Come up to my room, Fatass and I'll get it."
"Stan, I can't believe you'll actually do that. Cartman, why don't you just fuck off and leave Stan alone?"
"Oh, sorry if I'm offering my services to my friend. I know I'm worth a good price. Even Stan knows that."
"Yeah Kyle, I'm going along since I'm such a pussy, remember." Stan smirked as his friend as he headed up to his bedroom, a temper tantrum in front of Aunt Joanne and maybe she'd fuck off. "This way, guys!"
He opened his bedroom door to see his aunt had disappeared but had laid out what he assumed was clothing for him to wear for dinner, the same sweater his parents got him for the brief time the Marsh family converted to being Mormon and the slacks his mom got him to wear to church.
"Pft, Stan, you lay out your clothes in advance? Fag!" Cartman began to laugh again.
"Ugh, I thought my aunt would be up here, but she decided to finally fuck off. How convenient." Stan sighed, rubbing his nose again lightly, since a pinch would hurt it.
Kyle slapped Stan's hand away from his face. "Stop that, I know that's a habit of yours but you'll only irritate your injury more if you keep doing that."
"Goddamnit, Stan, stop wasting my time. Give me my money and show me your stupid relatives so I can get this over with and enjoy some fucking food." Cartman's time was valuable, and it was being wasted on lesser begins yet again.
This was working out better than expected, Stan just needed an audience. "Hey, hey, hold on Cartman. I need to find my aunt first, okay? Calm down." Stan crossed his arms. God was Cartman an impatient asshole sometimes.
"No, I will not calm down! Goddamnit, I am putting myself out for you, Stan, and so far, I am not getting any collateral, okay?"
"Just...follow me. You too, Kyle." Stan headed back into the hall, looking for his aunt.
"Ugh, fine." Cartman sighed, crossing his arms and following Stan reluctantly.
Stan almost tiptoed past Shelly and Stephanie's room and knocked softly on the guest room. He waited a few moments with his friends behind him; they must think he was acting crazy by now. "Come on, guys let's try the kitchen." Stan started down the stairs when his mom rushed by, a large brown stain all over her shirt and cooking apron, not surprisingly Kenny was right behind her.
"What the hell happened to your mom, Stan?" Cartman said, getting an eyeful.
Stan grabbed Kenny by the sleeve as he passed the group on the stairs and waited until his mom slammed her bedroom door shut before he confronted him. "Kenny, what did you do?"
"Absolutely nothing." Kenny swore, "Your mom was just distracted at the best possible time, but she spilled it on herself, honest! She just needs to pay better attention to what she's doing instead of cute fourth graders." When it came to boobs, Kenny was a master of manipulation.
"Yeah, it was all my mom's fault, of course. Kenny either stay with me and the rest of the group the rest of the day or just leave my house, I mean it."
Kenny crossed his arms, "I dunno, Stan, I don't benefit from this plan much. You're gonna need to put something in it for me."
"I already owe Cartman twenty bucks; I don't know what I could give you."
"Hmm... how about one of your mom's bras?" Kenny suggested, hopping with excitement. Kenny was a kid who knew what he wanted.
"Twenty dollars to Fatass, one of my mom's...ugh bras to you. Do you want something Kyle?" Stan started to raise his hand again for a nosebridgepinch, but Kyle slapped it down again.
"Don't give me anything; just stop doing that, okay?"
Stan put his arms down and pointed to his mom's closed bedroom door. "When she comes out, you have one minute in there and I don't want to see anything. Then after that we have a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner."
Kenny hugged Stan tightly, "Oh man, dude, you're the best bro a guy could ask for." Cartman began laughing his ass off, appropriately enough.
Stan rolled his eyes and pushed his friend off him. Sharon came out of her bedroom a moment later in a different shirt. "I've got to be more careful, you too, Kenny. You could have been severely burned." She smiled and patted the hooded boy on the head.
Stan wanted to puke at the smug smile on Kenny's face his friend hugged his mom around the waist but kept his own arms firmly at his sides remembering his promise to Kyle. "Don't you have to cook some more, Mom?"
"We're just about done, Stanley. I told you to keep an eye on the door when people arrive. You never listen." She scolded as Kenny let go and she headed downstairs.
"So now what?" Kyle asked, confused, wondering what all this strange suspense he'd seemed to have missed out on was building up towards.
"Kyle, you go downstairs and keep an eye on the adults, Starvin Marvin, and the door. Me and Cartman have to go look for Aunt Joanne... hey, maybe she's visiting Grandpa, he's barely left the guest room all day!" Stan suggested - the room was across from his parents' room, so he could keep a good eye out anyway. Kyle rolled his eyes,
"Fine, Stan." He walked downstairs with a small sigh.
"Fuck, we have to talk to your stupid grandpa, too? Goddamnit Stan, you're going to owe me big time for this one." Stan shushed him and approached the guest room, knocking,
"Grandpa? Grandpa, are you in there?"
"Billy, is that you? Billy?" he heard his Grandpa's voice and opened the door to see the old man watching television, "See that, Billy? That's Okinawa, I served there back in the fifties!" he said proudly.
"Grandpa, you were in the Royal Air Force, not a soldier, and you flew spitfires over Germany, you weren't on the Pacific front or anything. Besides, that's a Godzilla movie... and for the last time, it's Stan, dammit!" Cartman laughed at Stan's expense once again. "Oh my God, I'm starting to sound just like Uncle Dean... fuck."
"Billy, now what did I tell you about using language like that?" Grandpa said sternly, "Wait... really, what did I tell you? I can't remember... my head hurts..." Marvin Marsh rubbed his forehead in pain.
Stan was already well used to being constantly annoyed with his family but with his grandfather there was always the added bonus of guilt in the mix. He had no fight left in him when it came to his grandfather since as much as it bothered him to be called the wrong name or being asked to assist in suicide he'd always try to solve the problem objectively in his own way, since if he left it to his dad, well it would be way worse. Cartman following him wouldn't be much help either.
"Dinner's starting soon, Grandpa. It's Thanksgiving and we have company."
"Yeah, you can kill yourself afterwards, that way when you die we can call this your Last Supper." Cartman chuckled.
"Dude!" Stan elbowed his fat friend in the ribs. "You're not helping. You want to see if I can bring you anything Grandpa? I'll come get you when we start eating."
"Billy, if you really wanted to do me a favor you'd get your father's gun for Grandpa."
Stan sighed and changed the channel on his Grandpa's TV to the football game to hopefully get his mind off any wars he may have served in. He dragged Cartman out to the hall. "If you're going to do that kind of stuff do it to my Aunt Joanne. My Grandpa just has to get the idea in his head and he won't shut up about suicide for hours. I've had enough problems today."
"Oh relax, Stan, you pussy hippie, everything'll be fine, your Grandpa couldn't kill himself if he had the freakin' gun barrel in his mouth." Cartman laughed again, rolls of fat jiggling, "I doubt you even have a dumb Aunt Joanne - you're probably making it up to keep me from picking on your family."
"I wouldn't have a problem if you told Aunt Joanne to kill herself." Stan said, remembering the drama in the hall. He noticed from his view in the hall his parent's bedroom door was still closed. Oh goddammit, he almost forgot about Kenny. Stan pushed open the door to find his mother's underwear drawer wide open, a pile of panties and bras, all lacy and in every color of the rainbow, resting in the middle of the floor, looking like it had been rolled in. Kenny however had relocated himself to a window, still holding a couple bras in one hand. He must have had difficulty making a selection.
Stan squeezed his eyes shut and tried to count to ten in his mind. Just...his mom's underwear scattered all over the place, no boy ever wanted to see that. "What the fuck? I said one bra and one minute. You blew your chance. Just...fucking clean it up." as he turned to look away.
"Damn, dude, your mom has kinky taste in underwear. Who knew? She dresses so conservatively." Cartman smirked.
Stan punched Cartman in the shoulder and left the room. He could care less at this point if Kenny got in trouble or whatever comments Cartman had to say. His last cool friend was Kyle; he just needed to hang out with Kyle now.
"I was having trouble making a decision, fucking relax." Kenny replied as he quickly and neatly folded everything back in the drawer, except the last two bras, looking to Cartman, "Dude, Stan won't be any good advice here. Should I take the lacier dark blue one, or the skimpier pink one? The pink one's kind of boring but it shows more cleavage, but the dark blue one is so much lacier... Goddamnit, making choices is hard!"
"Kenny, you are such a fucking fag." Cartman shook his head, "Just pick one and let's go already, God."
"Damnit, one of you guys has to help me make a choice here." Kenny sounded like a whiny kid, albeit one in the world's greatest candy store, "Dark blue or pink?"
"Just take the one you'd rather jack it with you freakin' homo." Cartman crossed his arms. Kenny shrugged and tossed away the pink one, tucking the dark blue one away. "Fag."
Once Stan left the room, Kenny pocketed the pink bra as well, as well as a couple of other favorites from the drawer before closing it. Having a huge parka coat could have its benefits. He closed the drawer carefully. Phew. Just as he was about to leave he heard a shrill, loud scream and looked out the window.
Meanwhile, Stan poked his head into his Grandpa's room one last time to see he had dozed off. Good, he hadn't heard any of that. He continued down the stairs to find Kyle, Ike and Marvin sitting on the Marsh family couch with Cousin Stephanie. He looked down on them from midway down the stairs; if Stephanie hated him she'd probably hate Kyle as well.
"So you must be Stephanie. I'm Kyle Broflovski, I live down the street." Kyle introduced himself.
To get through today Stephanie had brought in the heavy duty reading, she had a hardback copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with her today. It was her favorite and she'd need it to ignore everyone. Another one of her stupid cousin's friends was trying to talk nice to her, her eyes flicked up briefly to this new guy. Suddenly the writing of JK Rowling was lost on her, chocolate brown eyes, a few twisty auburn curls poking out from under a rather unique hat, a pearly white smile, and suddenly the book in her hands was meaningless, "Oh, um, hi..." she put a few fingers to her hair, blushing.
Kyle didn't understand why when he talked to girls his age their faces would flush and they never had anything interesting to say. Maybe she was hungry or maybe she needed glasses to be able to read her book properly. Kyle leaned across her lap to switch on the table lamp. "Is that better? Ooh, I like that book too, is it your first time reading it? How far in are you? Did you get to the part where Harry fights off the Dementors yet? Those things are so creepy!"
Stephanie regained her composure, she loved discussing books in depth with intelligent people, she never got to talk Harry Potter with a guy this cute before. "I'm almost done with it, actually. Second full read-through of the series. Barely had time to touch them since they ended a couple years back. Azkaban's definitely one of my favorites though. Sirius is a wonderful character."
"Yeah, everyone seems to like him." Of course the girls liked him, but still, Kyle still liked the character, "Shame he had to die though."
"Heh, watch who you say that in front of, you don't want to spoil it for anybody." Stephanie chuckled.
"Oh my brother, Ike reads them too; he's a genius you know. Hey Marvin do they have Harry Potter on Marklar?"
Stan was sitting down in the middle of the stairs, eavesdropping on the conversation. For the second time this weekend not being into Harry Potter was screwing him over once again.
Suddenly there were voices from outside: "Oh, and here we go again! Maybe if you could keep a fuckin' job, Stuart, I wouldn't berate you for being a lazy ass piece of shit in front of the kids!"
Kevin's voice piped in: "Hey, is this chocolate or dog shit?"
"Kevin, don't eat that you stupid dumbass." Stuart reprimanded his son before turning back to his wife, "Oh, it's my fault you're an ugly skank now?"
"I ain't no ugly skank! Fer your information, you're lucky I even married your sorry ass to begin with!"
"Oh, can the crap you stupid bitch!" Stuart called out, "All you care about is money, you know that? That's all it is with you!"
"If all I cared about was money, I'd have married some dumb hack, not some dumb hick!" The sound of a slap, "Now how about you just ring the fuckin' doorbell?"
"Why don't you make Karen do it? It's not like she's useful for much else!"
"And there you go, bringing the kids into it! D'you know how fuckin' low that is? You're so terrible at fightin' you have to use the kids like fuckin' pawns!"
Finally there was a knock and then came horribly off-key singing that sounded less like singing and more like a mentally retarded child trying to string words together, "Ding dong, let us in, ding dong, let us in. Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving! Can we eat now?"
"...awh, do we have to answer that?" asked Uncle Dean, "I don't like where this is going at all."
"It's only polite." Sheila Broflovski said, snatching the key from Sharon's hand, "Let me get that for you, Sharon dear." Despite her husband's silent protest at seeing his ex-best friend, Sheila moved forward and unlocked the door, "Stuart, um, and family, Happy Thanksgiving, we're so glad to see you!"
Suddenly all was forgotten between the parents, "Oh, hi Sheila. We brought over a few cans of creamed corn and some Pabst Blue Ribbon... we didn't have much around the house, heh." Stuart explained.
"I was gonna cook some stew but then I forgot the stove's been broken since 'ninety seven." Carol explained, "Besides, we don't have a can opener."
"I-I told ya if we pressed the ringy thing they'd let us in, it always works!" Kevin shook his fists with glee and grinned, "Hiya Mr. Marsh, Mrs. Marsh, Mr. Broslofski, Mrs. Broflowski, Mrs. Playboy Lady, uh... I don't know any adults else here... dang... oh, hiya, poofball hat kid! Hiya, Canadian kid! Hiya, Russian sombrero kid! Hiya, fat kid, and 'course hiya Shelly!"
"Kevin, shut the hell up." Stuart commanded his son, rolling his eyes. Goddamnit.
"Oh, is that little Karen? Awh, the poor little dear, she's adorable. Why don't you bring her around more often?" Sharon said as she noticed the little girl at her parents' feet, holding tightly onto a doll.
"Oh, don't mind her, she's shy." Carol explained.
Stan got up to greet the new guests since answering the door had always been his job when he was practically pushed out of the way and knocked against the banister as Kenny hurried by to greet his family.
"Mom, Dad, Karen, Kevin!" Kenny stopped and greeted, "I was wondering when you'd finally get your asses over here." he replied with an almost shocking amount of cheer. Kenny usually showed distaste for his family, but maybe he was just in a really good mood. He scooped up his little sister in his arms and she nuzzled into his jacket, hugging him tightly. Stuart patted his son on the head proudly,
"Been having fun with your Uncle Jimbo's family?" Stuart said with a chuckle. It seemed the entire McCormick family had accepted Jimbo into their fold. Kenny nodded,
"Yeah, it's been totally awesome." Kenny replied, "I got to try all sorts of food you guys probably haven't had since... um... what year was the Peanut Guy elected President?"
"Mm, Jimmy Carter beat Gerald R. Ford in the 1976 Presidential Election." Ned reported from the sidelines.
"Yeah, since then!" Kevin shook his fists, hugging on to his siblings. Stuart and Carol actually smiled at each other,
"Ain't that jus' the sweetest dang thing, Stu?" Carol smiled. Stuart put an arm around her with a nod, "The kids are all bondin' like real siblings, like me and my sisters way back in the day..."
He got back up to be knocked down again as Cartman stood behind him and laughed, Stan's face was now pressed against the banister and he had a damn good view of Stephanie and Kyle looking like they were having a goddamn ball.
"What are you jealous or something?" He heard Cartman above him.
Rule number one, never tell Cartman what you're really feeling, especially when he can use it against you later. "Nah this feels good on my face, see?"
"Whatever, I'm getting bored and your Xbox controller was dead. Do something entertaining until your dad gets too drunk or we can eat or they start the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special so I can see how they fucked it up this year."
"Cartman, shut the fuck up." Stan started to get up when Aunt Joanne walked through the group at the front door with a bag of groceries in her hand. She dropped them immediately into Sharon's arms and walked up the stairs.
"My goodness, Stanley. Did you fall again? Sharon, why weren't you watching him?"
Sharon was halfway into the kitchen when she immediately turned around marching towards the stairs again. Not again. "No, no Aunt Joanne, it feels good on my face, I told Fatass that already."
Sharon stopped and saw her son seemed to have it under control and went back into the kitchen.
"Stanley, don't you know making fun of another child's physical appearance is very psychologically damaging? Your friend can have mistrust and food issues his entire adult life."
"Yeah and I'm not fat I'm big boned anyway. Does the wood feel good against your broken nose Stan? Let me help you." Cartman smacked Stan in the back of the head causing his face to rub against the banister. Stan would probably jump up and shove Cartman down the stairs and Aunt Joanne after him but this was good, Aunt Joanne would probably hate this.
"Oh that's good, help little Stanley. He doesn't know any better. What's your name young man?"
"Eric Theodore Cartman, Ma'am."
"Oh I've heard a lot about you, Stanley said he was your best friend."
Cartman put on his best smirk, "Oh, hello there, Ma'am, you must be Stan's Aunt Joanne!" he said politely, before his voice returned to normal, "'sup bitch? You aren't Jewish by any chance are you? I've heard so much about you, but Stan always leave out such important information." Cartman shook his head, "How old are you? You look like... I dunno, fifties? Say, how much do you weigh? I bet it's a lot." Cartman gave Stan a wink to show he was being a true asshole. Stan would facepalm if his face wasn't pressed up against the wood and Aunt Joanne's eyes widened.
"Eric, exactly how close are you and Stanley?"
"Oh, we're best buddies. We've been through everything together." Cartman grinned fakely, "I mean, pft, like uh, we flooded Beavertown, that was cool! And we did a music video together, and this one time, in the third grade, he was super cool and told his girlfriend to make out with me! Did I mention the time we pretended my ass was his mam's tits?" Stan contemplated suicide for several moments as Joanne covered her mouth,
"Stanley, Eric, I didn't... I..." Joanne got on her knees and put her hands on Cartman's shoulders, "Eric, look, it's... perfectly okay to be... having these kinds of feelings. There's nothing wrong with it, no matter what anyone tells you. It's perfectly natural to have feelings for your best friend, okay? I had feelings for my best friend in college and now I married him." Stan was ready to murder his aunt now, "And if anyone tries to tell you to go to hell or anything like that, just remember, a lot of famous and talented people were gay."
"Pft, like who?" Cartman crossed his arms.
"Leonardo Da Vinci, Freddie Mercury... um... Neil Patrick Harris." Joanne stood up, "I think I've made my point clear."
Stan finally pulled himself up and was stuck between Joanne and Cartman. "Aunt Joanne I am not gay, especially for someone like Cartman."
"You're standing awfully close to him and you body language says otherwise."
Stan gagged and promptly shoved Cartman away from him and walked back up to his room. He better not get too close to Kyle because god knows what mental gymnastics Aunt Joanne would come up with to pair them.
"Eh! What was that for you pussy! I was trying to help you!"
"It's okay Eric, unrequited love is a subject I have an interest in if you ever wanted to discuss it before the day is through. Or you can make an appointment at my office in Denver."
"You're not the first to tell me I need psychological help but it's not my fault. It's Stan's. He said he'd give me twenty bucks and now he's not! I should go tell my mam on him."
Joanne turned around and called out to her husband. "Dean give this boy some money to make up for our nephew's bad behavior!"
Uncle Dean came up and pulled out his wallet. "Would $50 cover it young man?"
Cartman held out his hand. "I'm a tad psychologically damaged from my unrequested love. Better make it $100."
Stan rushed into his room, slamming the door behind him. He stood still for a bit, feeling the blood rush to his ears as he gritted his teeth. He jumped onto his unmade bed and threw the clothes laid out for him onto the floor, punching his pillow before throwing that on the floor as well, the blankets were next and he was about to go for the sheets when he heard his door open and Kenny was there with his entire family behind him, all of them looking extremely confused.
"Um are we interrupting something here? Making a love nest for you and fatass?"
'Shut up, Kenny. What the hell are you and your family doing in my room?"
"We were told there wasn't enough room at the table so we're supposed to eat in here." Stuart explained, "We just wanted to get a feel for the place, y'know?"
"It's nicer than eating on that crappy wooden table at home!" Kenny grinned, pushing past Stan and flopping on his bed. Kevin joined him, jumping up and down on the bed and grinning. Karen went up and took a pillow, "Hey what's that for?"
"I thought I'd try to make a fort." Karen suggested, "Um, that's okay, right?" her heart quickly sank down.
"Hey, hey, no, there's toys for you, Kare." Kenny hopped off the bed and went towards the pile of toys from Aunt Joanne and Uncle Dean, including the pony, and the Barbie, and the skirt, "See?"
"Ooh, a pony! I always wanted a pony!" Karen hugged it tightly, smiling. Kenny patted her on the back. Stuart and Carol, meanwhile, were hypnotically staring at the bed.
"My, that bed is... awful bouncy..." Carol said quietly. She and Stuart exchanged looks for a moment. "Wonder how much weight it can hold..." she winked at him. Kevin hopped off the bed,
"Hey, poofball hat kid, ain't your sister that Shelly Marsh girl?" Kevin said.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, you are not going to hit on my sister." Stan crossed his arms, "Larry's dead, Amir's states away, and Skyler was a paedophile. My sister's had enough trouble, okay?"
"God, sorry, I asked... hey, is that her skirt?" Kevin ran over by Karen and pulled out the skirt, "Man, heheh, she'd look awful purdy in this one." he grinned.
"Dude, let's get her to try it on." Kenny smirked, "'cause you know what I got?" he pulled out the Polaroid camera and shook it in Kevin's face, the older brother snatching it, "Hey, wow, you got some pictures of a super hot chick earlier... but her boobs are kinda saggy."
Stuart and Carol sat on the bed, Stan getting off it immediately as he saw Kenny's father put an arm around his wife and pull her close. Someone needed to remind Stan to burn his sheets later.
Stan backed into a corner of his own bedroom as Kenny's parents started kissing on his bed; Karen grabbed the toys and followed her brothers out into the hall. He almost tripped on a box near the front of his door and noticed a fresh case of beer. Pabst Blue Ribbon? Sounded fancy. Out of options and sanity he grabbed a can and decided he wouldn't feel like a total alcoholic if he at least gave some to Grandpa as well.
Better solution that his father's gun, for both of them.
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