South Park fanfiction.
Screw Hell, and its gravelly roads. I've barely been walking 10 minutes, and my bare feet are already sore and scraped. Why couldn't people be damned for all eternity in some sunny place, with plenty of soft grass?
"Hey, Kenny," a voice behind me says. It's Damien.
"Hi. You're looking well," I say, although I'm not sure why I said it. He's wearing his usual black, with an upside-down cross around his neck. I don't even think I've ever seen him wear anything else. I'm not moving in any particular direction at the moment, so I start walking with him.
"Thank you," he says. "Looks like you made it here okay."
"Well…it didn't quite go according to plan."
Damien cringed. "Yeah, Cartman was telling me about that. That sure sucks."
Yeah, you think? "Has he told anyone else?"
"I don't think so," Damien says. "He's just been fuming about it to me. But Stan has noticed that he's mad about something, and if he keeps asking Cartman about it, he'll eventually find out."
That was the last thing I wanted to happen. It was one thing for Cartman to know I had raped his crush; it would be another thing entirely for Stan to know I had raped his longtime girlfriend. Cartman may hold grudges more easily, but Stan holds them more seriously.
"Well, since Wendy won't remember, there's not a whole lot Cartman can do," I say hopefully. "Stan might believe him, but it'll be a lot easier for him to ignore it, because it will be like it never happened."
"Perhaps," Damien mutters. After a few more moments of silence, I finally ask him where we're going.
"Well, since it's the weekend," he answers, "I was just going to hang out with my friend for a while."
Before I can ask who he means, I hear someone call out," Hello, Damien. Nice of you to be so prompt and—well, if it isn't Kenny! Jolly good to see you again, isn't it?"
Another old acquaintance, Phillip Pirrup—otherwise known as Pip—comes running up. He gives us both a polite bow. Pip sure is nice to everyone, but it's quite literally a fatal flaw—he was crushed to death when he politely asked Barbra Streisand to leave South Park alone.
"Hello, Pip," says Damien. "How is she?"
"She's still in shock, I'm afraid," Pip replies. He and Damien look at me expectantly, and I suddenly realize who they're talking about.
I find her huddled inside a warehouse. She's curled up in a corner, shaking. "Can I talk to her?" I ask.
"Certainly," Pip replies. "Though, do be gentle. She's feeling very scared at the moment. I can't say I blame her very much. I remember when I arrived here; I was jolly terrified at first. But once I realized that my friend Damien would be here, it made me quite happy, yes it certainly…"
As Pip goes on, I throw a sideways glance Damien's way, and he nods in agreement. Pip's nice all right, but I had forgotten how much of an annoying pain in the ass he could be.
I slowly walk up to the girl, careful not to startle her. "Lizzy…?"
She whips around towards me. Lizzy's face is haggard and dirty; she looks like she hasn't slept or moved in days, and down here it could have easily felt like years. She had been stuck down here, clinging to a faint hope that she would be able to go back to her family. But that hope seemed to be fading.
She will go back. I swear it.
"Lizzy…it's me…Kenny…" I whisper.
"Kenny?" Her voice is shaking more than she is.
"That's right," I say. I reach out a hand to her, but she doesn't take it.
"Why…why am I still here?" she sobs.
"I…" I try to think of how best to word this. "I think we made a mistake in thinking that you were immortal. I pulled that stunt on TV, and you thought you might be immortal too, and I was so eager for someone I could go crying to that I didn't consider that we could be wrong. You killed yourself, thinking that you would be back soon, and it's all my fault." I can't help myself; I start crying, too. I've really fucked up.
She looks at me, her eyes widening as the truth sinks in. "So…I'm stuck here forever…?"
"No, Lizzy," I say firmly, gripping her shoulders in resolution. "No, you won't be stuck here forever, because I'm going to help you out of here. I'll get you home, even if I have to stay here in your place."
"And just how are you going to do that?" Damien walks up behind me. "Offering yourself to Dad to take her place isn't going to work; he knows that you'll have to leave here as soon as your credit runs out, and there isn't really anything he can do about that. Please tell me you had another plan in mind."
Gee, it sure would have been nice of him to mention this doubt before we had gone through this whole scheme. I bite my lip, and mouth "I don't" to him. Then I turn back to Lizzy and say, "That's a promise; I WILL get you out of here."
She nods. "I believe you." The she tries to stand up, but stumbles; she's still weak. Damien quickly sends Pip to go get some HKFC for her (Hell's Kentucky Fried Chicken, one of the advantages of Colonial Sanders being dead).
"But, if I'm not immortal," Lizzy asks, "then how did I remember your curse?"
"Well," I explain, "I did find out that other certain people can remember me, but only in very specific circumstances." I pause; this is going to be a tough question. "Lizzy…have you ever killed anyone?"
She immediately begins to say the word "No," but then she stops herself and thinks about it for a moment. "Why…why does that matter?"
"Because the only people who have remembered me so far have been other immortals, people who have committed murder, and to a lesser extent, people who have had a traumatic experience."
Could she really be a murderer?
Lizzy stares at her feet. "Back in third grade, we got a new teacher. She was a very pretty woman, and all you boys became infatuated with her. You were all fighting over her, and I knew that as long as she was there, me and the other girls would have no chance of getting your attention. She said she was a lesbian, but that was just her way of hiding the fact that she was an evil, seductive BITCH, who just wanted to steal you boys away from us!"
I remember her; she was pretty hot, as I recall. Ms…Ellen, I think. Wait, hadn't Wendy mentioned Ms. Ellen?
"What did you do to her?" I ask.
"Well, me and some of the other girls concocted a plan to have her framed for some crime, taken away by Arabs, and shot into the center of the sun."
"Wait, what?" I never found out why Ms. Ellen left and Mr. Garrison came back (why, God, why). Kyle had always acted like he knew, but he had refused to talk about it. "You actually did that!"
"Oh, yeah." Considering how broken up she was only moments ago, it's amazing that she's telling me all this without batting an eye; she must have REALLY hated Ms. Ellen. "Of course, once the other girls found we were serious, most of them left, until there were only two of us left to carry out the plan. But it still worked out okay."
I swallow; I have a bad feeling I know where this is going. "And, who was the other girl?"
"The class president, Wendy Testaburger."
Which meant that Wendy was also guilty of murder. Which meant that she would remember everything. Shit. So that's three people who would hate me when I got back.
Pip comes back with the HKFC, and Lizzy starts eating eagerly to recover her strength. I walk over to Damien. "So you and Pip have been keeping an eye on her?" I ask.
"Yes. I thought I would be helpful, so I asked Pip to find your girlfriend for you…"
You know, I've misjudged Damien.
"…a small pity gesture, since I'm sure that your quest won't work, despite how noble it is."
…I take that back; that son of a bitch (with Damien, it's not an insult; it's a fact) just learned well from his Dad.
"Well," I sigh, "I guess now all I have to do is find Kyle. Unless you know where he is, of course," I add sarcastically.
To my surprise, he grins. "Actually, I do."