South Park fanfiction.
"And so they set off to seek out the evil Cthulhu, hoping that he would have the answers they so desperately wanted. In a flash, Mint-Berry Crunch encased his friends in a protective berry bubble, and dove beneath the waves—"
"Bradley," I said, groaning, "You don't have to narrate."
"Oh, sorry, Kenny," Bradley said. Stan snickered a little, but he was just as annoyed with Bradley's monologue as I was.
We were underwater, near the hole that DP had drilled into another dimension. As he said, Bradley had encased us in a…berry bubble so we could breathe. Pink energy shot from Bradley's finger, and reopened the portal. Immediately, a swarm of terrifying creatures tried to escape into our dimension, but Mint-Berry Crunch fought them off.
"Back, you foul spawn! We are here to see Cthulhu!"
Eventually the monsters retreated, and we crossed the portal into R'lyeh. It was…well, just as I remembered: too fucked up to describe. The only difference was that a giant, tentacle creature sat sleeping in front of what we had assumed to be a palace. It was the Death Lord Cthulhu himself.
Now was the time for answers at last.
Bradley shot a stream of berries at Cthulhu's face to wake him up. "Kenny wishes to speak with you!"
Cthulhu stirred. In my mind I heard his voice, "Who disturbs my slumber? Is that you, Bob? I told you that—" Then he glanced down and noticed the three of us. "You?"
"Yes, Cthulhu," I said. Compared to his monstrous size, I felt small and insignificant, but I wasn't afraid of him. Just nervous about my request. "I…need your help."
He raised a massive eyebrow. "And why should I help you? You interrupted my reign of darkness, and he (referring to Bradley, of course) sent me back to this place."
"I beg of you…a favor, then."
"In exchange for what?"
What, indeed? What was it worth to bring Kyle back? "Anything," I said at last. I wanted my friend back more than anything else right now.
"Would you give me your soul?"
"Yes," I answered without hesitation. Stan and Bradley looked at me; obviously, they didn't think I would go that far. I didn't think it mattered; my own soul probably wasn't worth that much, and as far as I was concerned, Cthulhu already had it.
"Then I shall hear your request," Cthulhu sneered.
"My friend, Kyle, was killed tonight," I began. "I want you to bring him back to life."
Cthulhu looked at me with genuine confusion on his alien face. "Was this…Kyle…an immortal, like yourself?"
I shook my head. "No." Was he an idiot? If Kyle was immortal, I wouldn't be here.
"I cannot help you. He belongs to Satan now. When a mortal goes to Hell, he cannot come back."
I took a deep breath and went to Plan B. "Then can you make him an immortal, like me? So that he can come back?" This truly was the last resort. I had been serious when I said I didn't want to force this curse on anybody, not even someone as bad as Cartman. I didn't make this request lightly, but it looked like we had no other choice.
Cthulhu said, "I cannot grant immortality to anyone. That is not in my power."
I blinked. "Wait, what you mean, 'not in your power?'"
"Once a mortal, always a mortal," Cthulhu said, "I have great powers. I can fly. I can strike humans down with lightning. I can even banish my enemies to a dark oblivion. But granting immortality? I cannot do that."
"But—but you gave me immortality, didn't you? The cult leader prayed over me, and asked you to keep me safe from harm? And then you did—you kept preventing me from dying."
Cthulhu stared at me for several seconds, before saying, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in all my existence." I tried to protest, but he went on. "Don't you think that other families ask deities to keep their children safe? Why then do they still die? Your parents may have asked for my blessing, but they are no different from countless others who did so, to say nothing of the Christians, Hindus, and Muslims who pray for their children. Whatever it is that makes you special, it has nothing to do with me; the fact that your family briefly joined my cult is merely a coincidence. Your curse makes you so unique, that I cannot imagine anyone else like you existing in the world. Given that, it's almost impossible that your condition could be the result of any prayer to any god."
I choked a bit. "So…you had nothing to do with my power?"
I looked down at the ground. Why did I feel like crying? The last thing I wanted was to be connected to this creature; I should have been happy about this. It also meant that it wasn't my parents' fault either, so any guilt that they were harboring at themselves could be washed away.
But…again…I had just come so close to the truth that I could practically taste it, only to have it snatched from me at the last minute. Instead of progressing on my road to discovery, I had just taken a huge step backwards. By this point I had forgotten all about Kyle; all my theories built up from the past five years had just been torn down.
I turned to Stan and Bradley, who looked confused by what had happened. "Come on, guys. We're leaving."
"Already?" Bradley asked.
"Wait! What about Kyle?" Stan asked.
I got up in Stan's face and yelled, "He's gone! There's nothing we can do! You'll just have to get over it!" It was a little bit harsher than I meant to be, but I didn't really care at the moment.
Then I heard Cthulhu. "Leaving? You aren't going anywhere!"
"You can't help us. I don't owe you anything."
"You still promised me your soul!" Cthulhu reached out to snatch the three of us, but Bradley summoned a mint and berry storm, blinding the evil god.
"Sorry, Cthulhu," he announced, "but I'm still stronger than you. Our business here is finished, so we'll be on our way now."
We met no further resistance on the way back to our dimension.