Friday, April 20, 2012

"Cartman Rising" Chapter 9: Seduction

 South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, some sexuality, and just Cartman in general

The beginning of our reign went fairly smoothly. The Mexicans spent the next few months constructing proper roads and buildings throughout the country, as well as generally improving the living standard. We considered it of the utmost importance that our new Kingdom not be an eyesore to the rest of the world.

Each member of the Brotherhood was given important tasks to oversee. Ike had the duty of teaching all the Mexicans to speak English. Of everyone in the Brotherhood, only Wendy, Ike, and I knew any Spanish at all, and I was the only who could speak it fluently. That might have given me an advantage over the others, but speaking Spanish always gave me a headache, so it was up to the Mexicans to learn English. Ike was the best suited for this because our main target in this endeavor was to educate the children, and we felt that he could relate to them the best, since he was only thirteen. I must admit, he was very good at it, but I guess Kyle always did say that his brother was a genius.

Kenny was given the job of inspecting all of the construction that the Mexicans were doing, to make sure that everything was up to safety code. Kenny was surprised that I chose this job for him, but it turned out he was extremely capable. He was able to spot potential hazards within seconds of entering a building, and he was always very thorough; he was inspecting buildings even faster than the Mexicans were building them. And that's fast.

Butters had the important job of appearing alongside the other members of the Brotherhood, while they went about their assigned tasks. The people all loved him, and that was good. But we needed the people to love us, too, not just him. So whenever one of us went about on our official business, Butters was always present—not in charge, mind you, but simply there—so as to reinforce the idea that Butters was simply part of our group. Eventually, the people would learn to love the six of us equally.

Assigning tasks to Craig was becoming a problem. He quickly proved himself too indifferent or simply too incompetent to be relied on to do anything right. We couldn't afford for the Mexicans to see us as anything but superior, so whenever Craig slipped up, we had to quickly move him to another position. But a week later, we'd have to move him again, and it was really starting to piss me off. If the problem wasn't resolved soon, people might start to notice, and we couldn't afford for that to happen.

Wendy, being the most skilled leader other than myself, was the grand overseer of all this. She coordinated, she planned, she prepared, and she acted. It was clear that she knew all about ruling a country. Not that I didn't, but she had more experience than I did; she said, "It's just like running a school…only bigger." I helped her with this job, which consisted mostly of keeping Craig out of her hair so she could get more important things done.

In addition to babysitting Craig, I had turned my attention back to punishing my old friends for their betrayal. The next people on my list were the handicapped kids—Jimmy and Timmy. God, how I hated those guys. Jimmy always thought he was so funny, but no one had the heart to tell him that his stand-up comedy sucked (I mean yeah, he had a good stage presence, but his jokes were awful). And since people told him he was funny, he always tried to make lame jokes whenever he was around us. He also couldn't stand people being more funny than he was. Like the time I wrote the funniest joke ever (you've all heard of the Fishsticks joke, right? Well, I came up with it, but that motherfucking cripple tried to make like it was all his idea).

Timmy was worse; he was even more self-absorbed than Jimmy was. He literally never talked about anyone or anything other than himself. And people call me narcissistic…

No doubt about it. Those two would have to be dealt with. I contacted Ike and Butters.

Ike was annoyed that I needed him again to carry out my end of the bargain. However, I promised him that this was the last time I asked him for help on this; I just needed him to hack his way into the Special Olympics' official website. I also told him to break into the South Park police database; I would be able to make use of that later. But for now, I would just make some changes to the entertainment for the Special Olympics' closing ceremony. Then I asked Butters for two of his hookers to use for the mission. Sally and Tammy would do nicely, I thought. Then I made the rest of the arrangements.

Confident that Wendy and the others would be able to take care of things while I was gone, I set off for the Special Olympics to observe my handiwork. My personal presence wasn't necessary for the plan to work, but where's the fun in revenge if you can't watch?

"And the winner of the 200 meter swim…Jimmy Valmer!"

Jimmy walked up to the stage and graciously accepted the trophy. "Th-thank you, hon-honorab-ble j-judges." Then he walked back down to his seat. The last award having been given, the audience and athletes sat back and enjoyed the evening's entertainment: a concert by the hit band, "Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld."

Their lead singer began the first song: "Ahem…Timmmmmeh timmeh timmeh! Livin' a livin' a liven' a lie, timmeh! Timmeh tim timmeh, tim tim…!"

Jimmy spotted me, and came to pick out a seat next to me. "Well h-hey, Eric. What d-did you th-think of the com…the com-p…the comp-etition this year?"

I nodded absently. "Not too shabby, Jimmy."

"Personally, I thought that Juan José did f-f-fantastic in the hurdles, didn't you?" Jimmy added.


He gave me a funny look. "Juan José? The representative from your country?"

Oh yeah, the cover story. I had decided that my reason for being here would be to accompany our athlete as Mexico's official ambassador. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any handicapped runners on such short notice, so we took along Juan José to play our athlete. After we broke his legs and gave him a concussion (you know, to make him mentally handicapped). He hadn't done quite as well as I had hoped, but he made a good alibi.

"Oh yeah, he didn't do too bad. I personally thought he choked in the 100 meter dash, but he definitely made us proud," I said.

Jimmy apparently didn't catch my lapse. "I say, it's g-good to see Tim-Tim singing again. What a co-coincidence that, even though he st-stopped par-p-participating in the Olympics, he sh-should be playing at our cl-closing ceremony?"

I smiled. "Yes. It sure is."

As Timmy finished his last song, the audience stood up and cheered. Timmy bowed, and rolled his way off of the stage. Jimmy congratulated him: "Ex-exc…excelllll…good job, Tim-Tim!"

"Yeah, well done, Timmy," I said.

"Hellloooo, boys…" A smooth voice came from behind us. We turned around and saw two attractive women walk up, dressed in beautiful eveningwear.

"Well, h-hi there," said Jimmy, immediately drawn in by the girls' figures.

"These look like the men of the hour," said the taller of the two women.

"Oh, not me," I said. "I'm just a lowly ambassador."

Suddenly, Jimmy squinted at the shorter girl. "Say, don't I kn-know you?" Crap, I had forgotten how well integrated Jimmy was into the nightlife. "Sally D-Darson, right? One of B-Butters St-Stotch's girls," he guessed.

Fortunately, Sally was a quick thinker. "I was, but then Butters went off to go rule Mexico, and left me out of a job," she lied. "But its ok; being a whore is not as much fun as people think."

"I can imagine," I added. So, Jimmy recognized Sally, but it could be worse. Did Jimmy know Sally, or did Jimmy know Sally?

"What's so much greater than working on the streets is meeting famous people from your own home town," Sally said. "Like a star athlete."

"Or a talented rock star," Tammy added. Timmy blushed. "Aw, Timmeh."

"W-well, we're not really f-famous. We—" Jimmy started to say, but then he noticed the look Timmy was giving him and corrected himself. "Actually, we're qui-quite the sh-sh-shit."

"Timmeh," Timmy crooned, taking Tammy's hand and kissing it.

"Oh, go on, darling," Tammy breathed. I decided that it was time to make my exit.

"Well, I have no intention of being a fifth wheel," I announced. "I'll catch up with you guys later."

"S-see you, Eric," said Jimmy. But both of them were too distracted to actually look at me.

Over the next few hours, I made the arrangements to transport Juan José, Tammy, and Sally back to Mexico the next morning. I would be staying in the country for a few more days; I had some other business to take care of.

As for Jimmy and Timmy, everything appeared to be going according to plan.

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