South Park fanfiction
Rated T for language, some sexuality, and just Cartman in general
True to my word, I began work the very next day. The first thing I did was order that there be free Wi-Fi everywhere, eliminating internet dead spots. Then I pressured Netflix and other online video companies into buying out all DVD distribution companies, and completely taking over the home video market. Now everyone could stream any movie on the internet. That alone made lots of people happy (except for Obama, who didn't get the DVDs I promised him), especially when I told them they could get cash for their old movies when they turned them in.
After that, I worked on granting government support to certain companies, in the hopes of creating monopolies. Within a few days, 20th Century Fox and Warner Bros. had both become absorbed by Paramount, which became an umbrella company for the entire movie industry. Now, all the best minds in the moviemaking business were in the same place; good things were sure to happen. I did the same thing with other businesses, like the food industry. And then I was able to start working on the bigger stuff, like balancing the budget and fixing the healthcare issue.
Now, you might ask, isn't the government influencing businesses against the spirit of capitalism, which I had so dutifully upheld? Well, yes. But that was all things that could be fixed later. Right now, I wanted people to be happy, and right now, the public was thrilled at how convenient everything was, and how quickly everything was getting done. People may be wary of big government, but there's no denying that big government gets results.
In response to the Canadians' demands that Ike be freed, I informed them that I would drop the majority of Ike's charges, and reduce his sentence to one month, in return for their surrender. They considered this to be a little unfair, but once I told them I could destabilize their economy by having the whole country boycott Terrence and Phillip, they had little choice but to agree. It was an empty threat, I know, but they had much more to lose than I did. So Canada became the 52nd "state" (we hadn't yet decided on what to rename the U.S., so we let it stick for the moment).
And, of course, I sent Bebe some of the shoes I had promised her.
With the population appeased. I turned my attention to Kyle's last two followers in South Park: the hyper-caffeinated Tweek Tweak, and the Star Wars loving Kevin Stoley. My vengeance was nearly complete.
Now that I and the rest of the Brotherhood were ruling the United States, I was in a much better position to deal with my former friends. I didn't even have to resort to underhanded tactics anymore; I could do whatever the hell I wanted. I could even declare Judaism to be illegal (but I wouldn't do that yet; Kyle deserved better).
But anyway, I thought about how I could deal with Kevin and Tweek. Well…Kevin always watches Star Wars, and Tweek always drinks coffee. So I decided to try a little experiment; let's see how well each of them deal with a little…shift in their routine.
Since all the coffee was now distributed under the Starbucks brand, I informed their CEO to not make any shipments to South Park for a little while. Then, I decreed that Star Wars would be unavailable to watch on Netflix for four weeks, in honor of "Star Trek Month." There was some public irritation about this, to which I replied. "I'm your ruler. Humor me."
True to form, it turned out that Kevin had not turned in his Star Wars DVDs, so I sent the police in to confiscate them, and give the Stoleys their trade-in fee, reminding them that the DVDs were now illegal. Kevin had not taken that well.
Having been so productive in my first few days as ruler, I decided to embark on a tour of my new empire. I invited Wendy to come along, since we hadn't really done anything romantic since we had begun ruling Mexico. So Wendy and I went to tour the country, leaving Kenny and Butters to keep an eye on things while we were gone.
Over the next few days, we visited Mount Rushmore, Niagara Falls, Las Vegas, and various other scenic locations. Most of them were romantic locations, but if not, we made them romantic (if you know what I mean). Especially the Grand Canyon; that was a good one.
The last stop on our trip was South Park itself. It seemed only fitting to grace our old neighbors with our presence (and to see how Kevin and Tweek were doing, of course). We had left as children. Now, we had returned as conquerors. The whole town hosted a huge parade in our honor. Wendy and I shook more hands that day than we had ever shaken in our lives. Plenty of people, most of all Mr. Garrison and Mayor McDaniels, tried to suck up to us and say they'd always known we were destined for greatness, and other such bullshit. One thing of note: Kyle was nowhere to be seen during the whole celebration. As the parade passed the Broflovski house, I glimpsed the Jew in the window, cowering from me, having finally recognized how thoroughly he had lost. Don't worry, Kyle; you still have some time before I break you completely. Enjoy it while you can.
In between rounds of sex, Wendy and I took a coffee break at the local Starbucks (formerly Tweak's Coffee). Although we both had hot chocolate, since there was no coffee to be found anywhere in South Park.
"It's so strange to be back here," Wendy admitted. "Especially with everyone looking at me with so much respect. It's…it's…"
"Awesome?" I suggested.
She smiled. "Exactly." Then, to drive the point home, she called out, "Waiter! More hot chocolate!" Tweek, who was working this shift, came over and took her cup. He looked pale and tired, like he was having trouble staying awake. I had never seen the jittery guy like that before.
"Although, Eric, I'm not sure why you decided to end our romantic getaway here," she said, getting back to our conversation. "After all, this was the town my ex-boyfriend cheated on me in."
"This town has potential for great memories," I said. "But you have to look to the future, not the past."
"That's a reassuring thought, Eric. But I'm not sure how even sex can make me think of this town as romantic anymore."
"Well, Wendy, there's more to romance than just sex," I reminded her.
She grinned. "Oh really? What did you have in mind?"
And in a move I had rehearsed countless times in the mirror, I reached into my pocket and got down on one knee. Wendy realized what was coming, and gasped.
"This," I began. "From the moment I first kissed you, I knew that we were destined to be together forever. I love you, and I want us to follow our destiny. Through thick and thin, joy and sorrow, glory and despair, I want you to be by my side."
Wendy was definitely excited, but I could tell that there was something on her mind. I guessed she was wondering why I had made this move now. We were already practically married; there was no doubt we would remain faithful to each other for the rest of our lives. What was there to be gained by making it official?
I gave her the answer. "Wendy Testaburger," I asked, pulling the diamond ring out of my pocket, "will you marry me, and become the queen of my new empire?"
Wendy had known from the beginning that we both longed to rule the world ourselves, and not share it with anyone. If we were forever united as one, than we were already the effective rulers of the country, making up two fourths of the Brotherhood. Literally nothing could be done without our approval, and although Butters and Kenny could unite in opposition of us, there was nothing they could really do to stop us.
Wendy understood the significance of my gesture. "I will," she answered, smiling.
Then, God sent us a sign of good fortune. Tweek stumbled into the room, carrying Wendy's hot chocolate. "Can't…go…on…much…longer…" he gasped. Then, he fainted, spilling the hot chocolate all over the floor and himself.
"I'm not paying for that," I informed the manager, pointing to the spill as the employees called 911.
Tweek was taken to the hospital. The doctors spent several hours examining him before giving the news to his family. As a concerned ruler, I was present as well.
It turned out that Tweek was in caffeine withdrawal. That much was obvious just from seeing him in Starbuck's, but I had not pictured it being this bad. Tweek's parents always gave him coffee, so he always got back on his caffeine high before it could wear off. He had literally had caffeine in his system nonstop for over ten years; after three days of being unable to drink coffee, it had finally all been flushed out…and caused every organ in his body to shut down. Tweek had crashed so hard that he was in a coma, and was unlikely to come out of it for a long time.
Even pumping pure caffeine into his system wouldn't do any good, the doctors told us. They would just have to wait until his body adjusted to normal, and that could take years.
Drat. I had predicted Kevin would break first.
It turned out I was pretty close. The next day, Kevin Stoley was caught buying a black market DVD player and a copy of Star Wars Episode III. Needless to say, I told the police that I would handle his disciplinary action.
"You couldn't even wait until the end of Star Trek month?" I asked him. "Tsk tsk tsk."
Kevin struggled against the restraints on his wrists. "I…needed…Star Wars."
"I can see that," I said. "And this whole incident has taught me that perhaps I am a little too controlling. Therefore, I'm going to make DVDs legal again. Dealing with all the crime that they cause is too much of a headache."
Kevin's eyes brightened. "So…I'm okay?"
"Oh no," I informed him. "As wrong as I may have been, it doesn't change the fact that you broke the law. And lawbreakers must be punished."
Kevin shook with fear.
"However," I went on, "it wouldn't be right for me to punish you. Clearly, you need treatment, not a fine or a prison sentence."
"Treatment?" Kevin asked. He seemed to have lost the ability to form coherent sentences.
"Yes. You're obviously suffering from an unhealthy addiction. We need to take care of that. I don't know if you heard, but Tweek's coffee addiction finally caught up with him. And trust me, you don't want that to happen to you."
I snapped my fingers. The two guards brought the device into the room. Despite Kevin's protests, they immobilized his head and pried his eyes open, to make sure he wouldn't look away from the TV monitor in front of him. "What are you going to do?" Kevin wailed.
I slid a copy of Star Trek: The Motion Picture into the DVD player. "We're going to start your therapy immediately."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
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